Chapter 5 I care for you

Miri pov

I had heard Roran demand things from people. I had heard Roran command people to do things. I had heard him grumble and growl and speak in that voice that made my stomach feel weird.. I had never heard Roran say please. Not even once.

It sounded like Roran was scared.

"Okay " I said softly. "I will go.. I am coming back tomorrow.. I am bringing Roran breakfast."

"I do not eat breakfast, " Roran said.

"Then I will bring Roran lunch " I said.

"I do not—" Roran started to say.

"Supper. Dessert. A snack. I do not care what Roran calls it. I am bringing Roran food and Roran is going to eat it and we are going to figure this out " I said. I walked toward the door then stopped with my hand on the frame. "Because that is what people do when they care about each other. They show up. They bring food. They do not let each other fall alone."

I did not wait for Roran's response. I did not need to. I had seen the way Roran looked at me the way Roran's hand had moved toward mine before Roran caught himself. I had felt the tension in Roran's arm when I touched Roran, the way Roran's muscles had gone tight and loose all at once.

Roran felt it too.

Whatever it was.

That scared me almost as much as the cracks in Rorans skin.

---

In the morning, I arrived at the smithy with a basket full of Mrs. Biddletons best sourdough, a pot of honey and a small jar of herbal tea. Persephone had insisted on coming with me even though I told Persephone that a sourdough starter had no business at a blacksmiths forge.

"I support " Persephone said. "You need support. You are about to do something."

"I am not going to do anything, " I said.

"You are going to see Roran. In Roran's forge. Without witnesses " Persephone said.

"I will have you, " I said.

"I am a sourdough starter, " Persephone said.

"You are very judgmental for a sourdough starter " I said.

"I learned from the best, " Persephone said.

I knocked on the door and waited. No answer. I knocked again. Still nothing.

"Roran?" I called, pushing the door open. "I said I was coming back. I brought—"

I stopped.

The forge was cold.

Not just cool,. Cold. The kind of cold that came from hours without fire. The tools were over the floor, the anvil was overturned and in the corner curled into a ball with his tail around his nose was Cinder.

Cinder looked up when I entered and even Cinder seemed sad. Cinder's eyes were dull, Cinders fur was not shiny and when Cinder tried to wag his tail a few weak sparks came out.

"Cinder, " I said. I set down my basket. Walked to Cinder kneeling on the cold stone floor. "Where is Roran? Where is Roran?"

Cinder. Looked toward the back of the smithy. There was a door hidden behind a curtain of leather and chainmail.

I stood up. I walked toward it.

"Miri, " Persephone said. Persephone was worried. "Do not go. You do not know what is there."

"I know Roran is there, " I said.

"You do not know that, " Persephone said.

"Yes I do, " I said. I pushed aside the curtain.

The room beyond was small. It was a bedroom with a cot, a wooden chest and a single window that looked out onto the river.. On the cot lying in a tangle of blankets with his face turned toward the wall was Roran.

Roran was shivering.

Not from the cold. The room was warm enough. This was something. Rorans whole body trembled, Rorans shoulders shaking beneath the blanket Roran's breath coming in short gasps.

"Roran, " I said. I walked to the cot. Sat down on the edge. "Roran, look at me."

"Go away, " Roran said. His voice was a whisper, rough and broken. "Please. Just go away."

"No, " I said. I reached out as I touched his shoulder.

Roran flinched.

I pulled my hand back.

"Sorry " I said. "I did not mean to—"

"It is not you, " Roran said. "The promise. It is getting worse."

"I can see that, " I said. "The cracks are everywhere now."

"Then you know why you should leave, " Roran said.

"I know why I should, " I said. "I am not going to."

Roran made a sound that might have been a laugh or a sob. "You are impossible, " Roran said.

"So I have been told, " I said. I looked around the room at the walls and the single blanket and the absence of anything that suggested comfort or care. "When did you last eat, Roran?"

Roran was quiet for a moment. "I do not remember, " Roran said.

"That is what I thought, " I said. I stood up, walked back to the room and got my basket. When I returned I had the bread, the honey and the tea. "Sit up Roran."

"I cannot, " Roran said.

"You can and you will or I will pour this honey on your head " I said.

Roran looked at me then looked at me and something changed in Roran's expression. Confusion, maybe.. Wonder. Like Roran could not believe I was still there, still pushing, still refusing to leave.

"Why?" Roran asked.

"Why what?" I asked.

"Why do you care? I am a client. A difficult one. I knocked you into a puddle. Did not help you up. I have been rude and dismissive.” He started to say.

"And you feed cats, " I interrupted.

Roran blinked. "What?"

"You feed cats, " I said. "Behind the smithy. I saw the bowls. Three of them all chipped, all clean. You leave water out for them too." I tore off a piece of bread. Handed it to Roran. "That is not something a terrible person does."

"It is not something a good person does either, " Roran said. "It is just... Something."

"It is something, " I said. ". You repaired the millers cart last week. Did not charge him, said it was nothing."

"You have been watching me, " Roran said.

"I have been observing you " I said. "There is a difference."

"What difference?" Roran asked.

"Watching implies interest, " I said. "Observing implies professionalism."

Roran took a bite of bread, chewing slowly. The honey I had spread on it glistened on Roran's lips. I had to look away.

"You are strange, " Roran said finally.

"Thank you, " I said.

"It was not a compliment, " Roran said.

"I am choosing to take it as one, " I said. I poured the tea into a tin cup I found on the windowsill. Handed it to him. "Drink. It will help with the shaking."

"How do you know?" Roran asked.

"Widow Hempstills recipe " I said. "She swears by it."

"She is not fae, " Roran said.

"No, but she has been married to one for forty years, " I said. "I figure she knows a thing or two." I watched Roran take a sip, watched Roran's throat move as Roran swallowed, and watched the way Roran's shoulders relaxed slightly as the warmth spread through Roran. "Better Roran?"

"Marginally " Roran said.

"I will take it, " I said.

We sat in silence for a while. The only sounds are the crackle of Cinders sparks from the main room and the distant rush of the river outside the window. The light shifted as the morning wore on the shadows growing shorter the dust motes dancing in the sunbeams.

Slowly almost without meaning to I found myself leaning closer to Roran.

Not touching. Not quite.. Close enough that I could feel the cold radiating from Roran's skin, the strange wrongness of a fae who was supposed to burn but had gone almost as cold as ice.

“The Winter Court”  I asked in a lower voice. “Is that where the cold comes from?”

“Yes,” he answered..

“Master Harlow told me about the frost. About what happens to people who break promises to the Winter Court.”

“I am not breaking my promise,” he said.

“You are failing to keep it,” I replied. “To the Winter Court, it is the thing.”

He put down the cup, his hands shaking. “I  know," he said.

“Then we need to find you a wife,” I told him. “Not a perfect wife. Not someone you love. Just someone who is willing to say the words and sign the contract.”

“Anyone?” he asked.

“Yes,” I said.

He turned to look at me. The way he looked at me made my breath catch. Now when he is not what he used to be he is beautiful. Not like the boys from the village who proposed to me.. In a sharp and dangerous way like something wild.

“Anyone?” he asked again.

The word hung in the air between us. It meant a lot.

I thought about Bryony, the girl from Thornhollow who needs a husband to save her from Silas Vane. I thought about how practical it would be, how easy.

When I tried to say it the words would not come out.

Because when I looked at Roran at the cracks in his skin and the light, in his eyes and the way he held his tea cup I realized I did not want to find him someone

I wanted to find him a wife and that wife should be me.

And that was impossible.