Chapter 3

Chapter 3

Somewhere in the dark, I thought I heard Julian saying my name, over and over, his voice shaking.

“Clara, stay with me. Don’t you want to see the kids? I’ll let you see Ava and Noah, okay?”

“Please. Wake up…”

I must have imagined it.

I moved my arm, pulled at the wound, and gasped.

“Don’t move.” Eleanor pressed me back down, her face full of worry. “You’ve been through so much. I’ll make sure Julian makes it up to you.”

“I don’t want him to make anything up to me.” My voice sounded like tearing cloth. “If he really wants to give me something, he can sign the divorce papers.”

She sighed. “You know Julian. He won’t sign willingly… Leave it with me.”

“Sign what?”

Julian walked in. When he saw I was awake, his eyes lit up, and he leaned over and grabbed my hand. “How are you feeling? Does anything hurt?”

His hair was a mess, and there were dark circles under his eyes. Nothing like his usual composure.

I pulled my hand away. “I’m fine.”

“I didn’t push you in front of that knife on purpose. I panicked… What do you want? Let me make it up to you. Please don’t be angry with me.”

“You don’t have to explain.” I cut him off. “I know where I stand.”

That why I’d asked before I blacked out had been pure reflex.

I’d known the answer for a long time.

He seemed rattled. Usually, when I’d been wronged, I’d fight with him, and when I was losing the argument, I’d bring up the children. This time, he’d personally shoved me in front of a knife, and I didn’t say a thing.

“Where you stand is as my wife. Julian Ashford’s wife.” He softened his voice. “You saved Serena this time. Stop fighting with her from now on, and I’m sure she’ll make an effort with you.”

I pulled the blanket over my head.

For the next few days, he never left my bedside. He did everything himself, even washed my underthings by hand. Jewelry and gifts poured into the hospital room in an endless stream, all for one smile from me.

Even before Theo was born, back when we were happiest, he’d never been this attentive.

For a moment, I almost believed he still loved me.

Until the day I was discharged, and Serena knelt in front of me, pulling Theo down beside her.

I backed away like I’d seen a ghost. “What are you doing? Setting me up again? Serena, you already have most of this family in your hands. Why can’t you leave me alone?”

Something vicious flashed in her eyes. “As long as you’re around, my children could be taken back at any moment. If you want someone to blame, blame yourself for not knowing your place. Why couldn’t you just die in the delivery room?”

It was so absurd I almost laughed. Julian’s whole world revolved around her. How could he ever take the children away from her?

I turned to go, but she grabbed my hand and wouldn’t let go. In the struggle, my nails left a few bloody scratches across her cheek.

“What’s going on here?”

A gleam of triumph lit Serena’s eyes. She covered her face, and the tears came on cue. “Julian, don’t be angry with Clara. She didn’t mean it…”

Theo shouted, “She did mean it! Uncle Julian, she made Mom kneel and then she hit her!”

I stared at Theo in shock.

It was one thing for Serena to frame me. But to use my own son to put the knife in?

Julian narrowed his eyes, looking tired. “Clara, I thought you’d grown up. You’re as willful as ever. Go to the chapel and kneel there until you’ve thought about what you did.”

…

In front of the old chapel on the east side of the estate, I looked him straight in the face. “I didn’t touch her.”

“I know.” He sighed. “I can see through a trick that clumsy. But she runs this house, and the whole staff is watching. I can’t humiliate her in front of them. Just put up with it. Sit in there for a little while. Be good. I’ll make it up to you.”

Make it up to you.

When he took my three children, he said he’d make it up to me. When he helped Serena torment me, he said he’d make it up to me. When he sent me to Pinecrest, he said it then too.

“Can’t you take my side just once? Just one time?”

His face darkened. “Do as you’re told.”

I closed my eyes and laughed at myself. Why did I keep hoping?

I didn’t look at him again. I walked inside, and the door locked behind me.

The chapel was dim, lit only by a few candles burning down to stubs on the altar. I knelt on the cold kneeler, and after a while I started to drift off.

I don’t know how much time passed before the door swung open and several heavyset maids walked in.

“Mr. Ashford’s orders. Since you used your nails on Mrs. Ashford, your nails are coming off.”

My eyes flew open. “That’s not possible! Let me out—I want to hear him say it to my face!”

“Sorry, ma’am.”

They pinned me to the floor. The one in charge took out a pair of pliers, clamped them onto one of my nails, and yanked.

“Aaah—!”

Pain like nothing I’d ever known. I had never screamed like that in my life.

She didn’t even blink. She moved on to the next one.

I passed out from the pain and woke up from the pain. Ten fingers, one by one, until every one of them was slick with blood.

When they were gone, there was nothing left in the chapel but the smell of blood, and me.

I couldn’t just lie there. A doctor. I had to find a doctor…

I dragged myself across the stone floor, my raw fingertips scraping the ground with every pull, leaving long streaks of blood behind me. On willpower alone, I stumbled my way back to the west wing.

Before I reached the door, I heard voices I knew.

“Julian, you know I’m not really infertile. I just didn’t want to have anyone else’s baby. If you wanted to, I could give you a child that’s truly ours…”

“Don’t be ridiculous.” Julian’s voice was cool. “Childbirth is brutal, and you don’t get pregnant as easily as Clara does. Why put yourself through it? Besides… the only children I want are Clara’s.”

Serena laughed softly. “Don’t say things you don’t mean. I know you did it for me. You drugged Clara back then for my sake, so I could marry Edward. I just hate that you’re stuck spending your life with a woman you don’t love…”

“Clara’s fine. Spending my life with her isn’t the worst thing.” He paused. “Seven years ago she was too clingy, so I dug a little hole for the Whitmores. I only meant to make her back off. I never thought it would kill her parents. That’s on me. I have to take responsibility for it.”

Thunder cracked overhead, and the rain came down in sheets.

I stood outside the door, my mind completely blank. I stumbled backward and stepped into a puddle.

He was the one who drugged me.

He was the one who drove my parents to their deaths.

I had loved this man for half my life.

And half my life had been one big joke.