Chapter 4

Chapter 4

I stood in the rain, laughing and crying at the same time, until Eleanor heard me.

She had me dragged inside and dried my hair with a towel herself. “What’s gotten into you? You had a baby three weeks ago and you’re standing out in the rain? Do you want to die? And your hands—who did this?!”

My eyes were empty. My voice was so thin she could barely hear it. “Eleanor, I want to go home.”

She went stiff. Then she understood.

She called a doctor to bandage my hands, then set a document on the table. “The divorce papers. I slipped them into a stack of trust documents. Julian signed without reading. Leave in a few days. Go as far as you can.”

For the first time, a little light came back into my eyes. I thanked her, curled up, and fell asleep.

The next day, I’d barely made it back to the west wing when Theo’s nanny, Helen, came running up in a panic. “It’s Theo—he’s burning up, and Mrs. Ashford won’t let anyone call a doctor!”

As much as he’d hurt me, I couldn’t help it.

He was my son.

I ran into Theo’s room and scooped him up. He was barely conscious. I touched his forehead. He was frighteningly hot.

“He needs a hospital, now.” I turned for the door, and found it blocked.

Serena strolled in. “Going somewhere?”

I couldn’t stop myself from shaking, but I made myself say it. “His fever has to come down right now! If something happens to him, you’ll be the one answering for it!”

“Boys run fevers. And even if he burned himself up, no one would blame me.”

I knew she was right. Julian indulged her. Nothing she did would ever be punished.

I dropped to my knees with a thud. “Serena, I’m begging you. Let Theo go. Take it out on me.”

She smiled, slow and cruel. “Such a devoted mother. No wonder the little brat never warmed up to me. Fine, you can go. Kneel, and knock your head on the floor. A hundred times. Count them out loud.”

I clenched my bandaged hands.

“Do it!”

A single tear slid down my face. I bent forward and brought my forehead down against the marble.

“One.”

“Two.”

My forehead went red, then purple, then swelled into one big welt.

“Ninety-nine.”

“One hundred.”

She snorted and finally stepped aside.

It was still raining. Serena had given orders: no one was to give me an umbrella, and no one was to give me car keys.

I had no choice but to run out into the storm with my burning-hot son in my arms. I don’t know how long I ran before I finally flagged down a car and got him into the ER.

They put him on an IV. A long time later, his lashes fluttered, and he opened his eyes.

He saw me, soaked to the skin, and froze.

I braced myself for him to start cursing me again. Instead he asked, very quietly, “Did you save me?”

I twisted my wet sleeve in my hands. “Mm.”

“Thank you.” He kept his head down, hard, so I wouldn’t see his eyes turning red. After a long pause, he asked, his voice thick, “They say… you’re my real mom. Is that true?”

“…Yes.”

My heart started racing.

Could I actually hear him call me Mom before I left? If Serena was hurting him, if he wanted to, I’d find a way to take him with me…

“Why are you my mom?” He burst into tears. “Why did you have to show up? It’s because of you that Mom doesn’t love me! I hate you!”

“Mom says Dad’s going to die soon, and then she has to marry Uncle Julian. Please, please let her have Uncle Julian. Then she won’t hit me anymore! Then she’ll love me!”

I went still.

The heart in my chest, the one that had still been warm a moment ago, turned cold, a little at a time.

“All right.”

He blinked. “Really?”

“If you call me Mom one time, then yes. Really.”

He sniffled, unsure whether to believe me. “Mom… you’ll really go away?”

Seven years. And finally, I heard him call me Mom.

I crouched down and wiped his tears, wearing a smile that looked worse than crying. “Yes. Mom will go.”

…

When I got back to the house, it was dead quiet.

Julian was sitting on the big sofa in the living room, legs crossed, his eyes dark and heavy. “Where have you been?”

“Theo had a fever. I took him to the hospital.”

He laughed, furious. “We don’t have a family doctor? And even if he needed a hospital, Theo is Serena’s son. Who said you could take him anywhere? You really can’t let go of those kids, can you? I told you, we can have more.”

Maybe the fear and the rage had been held down for too long. It came out before I could stop it. “I don’t want more!”

“What did you say?”

“I said I don’t want any more children. I don’t want to keep handing my babies to Serena.” Once the first part was out, the rest came easier. “I’m a person! I’m not a breeding machine!”

His eyes went cold. He stood up, and his shadow fell over me completely.

And in that moment, I remembered the guards at Pinecrest.

The one time I tried to escape, they stood over me exactly like that, raised their batons, and brought them down on my bones.

I screamed, wrapped my arms around my head, and dropped into a crouch. “Don’t hit me! Please don’t hit me! It hurts!”

Julian’s face turned terrifying. And then, unbelievably, he laughed. “You think I’m going to hit you? Fine, Clara. Have it your way. Marcus, take my wife outside and teach her how to speak to me.”

Marcus, his bodyguard, hauled me out to the pool and shoved me in.

The water was freezing.

At Pinecrest, the orderlies’ favorite trick was to hold my head under water, then call the male patients over to stand around and watch, and laugh.

After that, all I had to do was see a pool and my whole body would lock up.

“No… I’m sorry… please let me out…”

Marcus ignored me. He grabbed a fistful of my hair and pushed me under.

I fought with everything I had. It made no difference. Just as I was about to black out, he dragged me up for one breath.

And then he pushed me under again.

Over and over.

Through the haze, I heard him on the phone with Julian. “Sir, she doesn’t look good. Should I stop?”

The voice on the other end was still hot with anger. “Keep going. Serena’s right. She needs to learn.”

And I went under again.

Starved of oxygen, my brain started showing me things.

My mother, holding me, laughing. “You like Julian that much? Then when you grow up, why don’t you marry him?”

Julian at our wedding, bending to kiss me. “Let them say what they want. I believe you.”

Theo running into Serena’s arms, glaring at me with loathing. “You’re not my mom!”

And last of all, my parents, their faces covered in blood.

“Why are you with the man who killed us? Why are you with our murderer?”

I’m not! I’m not!

I screamed without a sound at the bottom of the pool, and my hands and feet finally went slack.

The water poured into my throat, and the world went completely black.