State Of Grace

Zoe’s Point of View

Sometimes, living in your own skin can feel like wearing clothes that don't fit properly—tight in some places, loose in others, uncomfortable even though they're familiar. The strangeness comes from the silence of the questions we don't know how to ask, and the weight of expectations we don't always choose to carry. It's as if the world spins at a pace that doesn't match ours, and we're always slightly out of step.

But it's curious how, when life pushes us out of our comfort zone — into situations we would never choose for ourselves — something opens up. Discomfort is a crack, and light enters through cracks. It is in this space of rupture that we sometimes discover parts of ourselves that were dormant: a strength that seemed unattainable, a sensitivity that was hidden behind haste, a courage that is only born in the face of fear.

Feeling strange within yourself can be the first step toward rediscovering yourself in a more authentic way. Because perhaps it is not about going back to what you were before, but about allowing yourself to shed your skin, recognize yourself in new ways, and accept that “finding yourself” is not a fixed destination, but a continuous process — made up of falls, detours, and unexpected discoveries.

I woke up feeling an unusual warmth around my body. Still half dazed from sleep, I felt the weight of something on my waist. Gradually, I began to realize that Cole was pressed against my body, hugging me as he slept. Last night, when we went to bed, he was determined to sleep on the floor, but I couldn't allow that after everything he had already done for me. So I insisted that the bed was big enough for both of us, and we lay down on either side, leaving a good space between us. Now, when I woke up, I realized that our bodies had met in the middle of the bed, and we were spooning, hugging each other in the most natural way possible.

I felt strange sleeping so intimately with another man who wasn't James, my boyfriend. I tried to move, trying to get away, but that only made Cole tighten his arms around me, as if he knew I was trying to get away and was preventing it, even though he was fast asleep.

I sighed, feeling even more confused. It was incredibly comfortable to be like this with Cole. I felt safe, perhaps even more than I should, and that made me feel guilty. After all, I had a boyfriend. Even though the situation was desperate and I thought I might never return to my normal life, I still had to be faithful to James. I needed to try to work things out, maybe talk to him when I was safe.

With everything that was going on, I didn't allow myself to think too much about the people I left behind. But now, thinking about James, my heart ached. He must have heard about the accident, and with my disappearance, he must be imagining the worst. I promised myself that as soon as I was safe, away from Albert, I would call James and tell him everything that was going on. Then we would decide together the future of our relationship. Until then, I needed to control my confused and youthful feelings towards Cole.

He was a good man, he was helping me so much, but he would hardly have any interest in me as a woman. He probably saw me as a sister, like Taylor, after all, we were almost the same age.

I felt Cole stir slightly behind me, and his embrace loosened a little. I took the opportunity to slowly move away, trying not to wake him. He muttered something inaudible, but didn't wake up. I turned in bed, looking at him. His face looked so peaceful as he slept. There was something so vulnerable and yet so strong about him. I watched him for a few moments, trying to calm my thoughts.

I decided to get out of bed; I needed some air. I walked quietly to the bedroom window. I looked outside, seeing the well-kept garden of Cole's mother, Lily, and the flowers swaying gently in the morning breeze. Lily's house had a welcoming aura, despite the obvious tension between her and Cole.

I wanted to believe that somehow we could find a little peace there, even if only temporarily.

Still sleepy, I went to the bathroom, brushed my teeth, and put on a pair of shorts over the oversized shirt Cole had bought for me at a department store. I walked through the quiet house until I reached the kitchen, where I found Lily drinking a cup of tea.

“Good morning, Zoe,” Lily said with a warm smile.

“Good morning,” I replied, returning the smile shyly.

She encouraged me to go to the table and sit down. “Would you like some coffee?”

“Please,” I replied promptly.

When I had my normal life, I couldn't function without a large cup of coffee. As Lily filled my cup, she looked over her shoulder and asked casually.

“How did you and Cole sleep?”

“Fine,” I replied, feeling my cheeks flush as I remembered waking up with Cole holding me.

I accepted the cup of coffee, thanking her, and took a small sip. Lily placed a plate of scrambled eggs and bacon in front of me, smiling kindly.

“I hope you like it,” she said.

“It's great, thank you,” I replied, taking a bite.

Lily watched me intently.

“Can I ask you how you met Cole?” She quickly apologized, explaining, “I know you've noticed that things aren't so good between us, but contrary to what Cole thinks, I love him and want to know about his life.”

I felt a little sorry for her.

Cole hated his mother, but all I saw was a woman trying to win back her son. With a sigh, I ran my hands through my hair, trying to fix it a little nervously. I wanted to tell Lily more about Cole, but talking about us meant lying to her, and I really didn't want to do that.

“I met him in a bad situation,” I began, choosing my words carefully.

“And Cole has been my salvation ever since.”

Lily smiled sadly.

“Cole has always had a giant heart. Even as a child, he was always helping everyone.”

“I can see that,” I replied sincerely. “You raised a good person, Lily.”

Lily sighed.

"I can't take credit for that. The person Cole is, he owes to his father. He may not have been a good husband, but he was a good father. Unlike me, who was a terrible mother to him and Taylor.“

I nodded, not knowing what to say. The sadness in Lily's eyes was evident, but before I could think of something comforting to say, I heard the front door open and a male voice shout, ”Mom!"

Lily quickly changed her expression to a happier one and turned back around.

“I'm in the kitchen,” she said, turning to me. “This is my other son, Josh.”

I looked at the door as a man entered. He was handsome, with blond hair and bright green eyes. His smile was charming, and he appeared to be the same age as me, in his early twenties. Josh approached his mother, kissing and hugging her across the counter.

“I miss you, Mom,” he said, looking at her fondly.

“I miss you too, sweetheart. I miss you all the time,” she said with a smile, then she introduced him to me. “Josh, this is Zoe. Your brother's girlfriend.”

“Nice to meet you, Zoe,” Josh said, extending his hand. “I came here to meet Cole, but I'm happy to meet someone so beautiful.”

Blushing, I gave a youthful giggle.

“Thank you,” I replied shyly. “It's a pleasure to meet you.”

At that moment, I heard a growl coming from the door. Cole was there, with a huge frown and clearly annoyed. Lily, with a bright, joyful look, walked up to him. It seemed like she was trying to bring her two sons together. She pulled him by the hand and, holding Josh's with the other, tried to make the introduction with the enthusiasm that only she could muster.

“Cole, this is Josh, your brother,” Lily said, almost jumping with joy, her face turning from her older son to her younger son. “And Josh, this is Cole, your older brother.”

Josh and Cole looked at each other with palpable coldness. Cole extended his hand to Josh, who shook it with a nod. The conversation between them was dry and brief.

“Josh, nice to meet you,” said Cole, his voice emotionless.

“It's a pleasure, man,” replied Josh, in an equally restrained tone.

Lily, undeterred by her sons' lack of enthusiasm, continued to beam with joy. Cole, in a different mood from his mother, broke away from Lily and approached me. His arm wrapped possessively around my shoulders, and his lips touched my forehead as I lifted my head to look at him.

“Good morning,” he said softly.

I smiled, feeling a wave of comfort at his touch, despite all the tension in the air.

Lily was unfazed by Cole's coldness. With the same enthusiasm, she announced:

"I spoke to Richard last night, and knowing that Josh is home and Cole is visiting, I thought it would be great to prepare a special dinner for all of us tonight. I'm so excited to get the family together!“

She continued, her eyes sparkling:

”Octavia, my other daughter, was at a friend's house yesterday, which is why you didn't see her, and she's at school now, but she'll be home later. Richard gets home at six, so we'll all be here for dinner,“ she said, then looked directly at Cole. ”If that's not too much for you, Cole."

I felt Cole's body stiffen as Lily talked about her plans. Before he could voice his displeasure, I stepped in, trying to smooth things over.

“We'd love to,” I said, forcing a smile as I felt Cole's fingers dig into my skin. I looked at him, watching his face soften a little, and then turned my eyes back to Lily, who was smiling. Josh, on the other hand, looked as uncomfortable as Cole. He finally broke the silence. He took his eyes off Cole and looked at Lily. “I’m going to my room to drop off my backpack and take a shower. I came straight from my college dorm and haven’t showered yet.”

He spoke to his mother, then looked at me. “It was nice to meet you, Zoe. See you later,” he said, glancing briefly at Cole before leaving the kitchen.

Lily watched Josh until he disappeared down the hall. I wanted to break the tense silence that remained after he left, so I stepped forward.

“Lily, I don't want to ask too much, but I don't have any appropriate clothes for dinner. I left Seattle in a hurry and didn't have time to pack anything, and everything your son bought me looks like something a teenage skateboarder would wear,” I said, trying to sound casual but feeling a twinge of embarrassment.

“Hey!” Cole protested indignantly, but Lily let out a small laugh.

“Of course I’ll get you something,” Lily said with a warm smile. “We can look at something of mine or even Octavia’s later.”

I felt a smile form on my face when I heard that. “Thank you,” I replied, relieved.

As Lily was about to say something, Cole turned back to me. “I'm going out for a few hours, but I'll be back as soon as possible,” he said.

Lily approached Cole and asked,

“Son, don't you want to eat something before you leave?”

Cole shook his head and replied,

“No, thank you, I'm not hungry.”

He leaned over to kiss me on the forehead, his expression clearly showing his concern about having to leave me at his mother's house.

Trying to reassure him, I said,

“It'll be fine, Cole. Don't worry, I'll be okay here.”

He nodded slowly, still visibly uncomfortable, and then turned to leave the kitchen.

“I'll be fine,” I said softly again as he turned at the kitchen doorway.

He nodded, still reluctant, and left. Just as she had done with Josh, Lily watched Cole until he was out of sight, then let out a long sigh when it was just the two of us in the kitchen.

Finally, looking at me, she murmured a thank you.

“Thank you for accepting dinner. I know Cole wasn't too excited about it.”

I smiled understandingly.

“I understand, and I'm glad to be here. Let's do our best to make it a good evening.”

Lily smiled back, the tension in the air seeming a little lighter now. With a sense of relief, I sighed, trying to prepare myself for what the evening would bring.