Chapter 176

“Iris.”

There’s a hand on my shoulder, giving me a soft shake.

Drowsy, my eyes slowly open and I frown, confused, looking around.

But when I see who it is, I sigh, and press my eyes shut again, and turn over in the bed. “Go away, Christian.”

“Iris,” he says again, sterner this time, a sigh on his voice. “Come on, wake up. I know you didn’t eat anything and we have to talk.”

“How do you know I didn’t eat anything,” I mutter, pissed and wishing I was asleep again – a state in which I wasn’t so mad, where I didn’t have to think of the crap realities of this life.

“Because,” he says, a little humor in his voice now. “Frankie said you took a plate upstairs. And I saw – and smelled – that plate all over the floor a little further down the hallway.”

Something about how he says this makes me spin in an instant, sitting up to glare into his grey-blue eyes. “None of this is funny, Christian,” I snap, immediately livid that he would dare to make a joke about this. “I spent this entire fucking day packing off your devastated sister-in-law while you ignored me, after –“

“You’re right,” Christian says, his face falling as he reaches out to cup my cheek in his hand. “You’re right, Iris. I’m sorry – I shouldn’t have tried to joke. It’s – none of it is funny.”

I go still, not pulling away from him but not leaning into his touch as I usually would.

“Please,” Christian says, his eyes drifting over my face for a second before he drops his hand, gesturing towards the plate of food on the bedside table. “Please eat, baby. I can’t stand the thought of you going to bed without supper.”

I glance once at the food, my stomach turning at the thought of the congealed gravy over the meat, the cold green beans, and turn my attention back to Christian. “I’m not hungry. Let’s move on to the second part.”

He hesitates for a second but then sighs, pulling himself fully up onto the bed and sitting evenly across from me. “Fine, Iris. If that’s what you want.”

I just square my shoulders and blink at him, giving him the floor. Letting him know with my silence that I certainly don’t have anything to say right now – that he’s the one who has a great deal of explaining to do.

“It’s not what you think, Iris,” Christian murmurs, looking at me pleadingly.

“So, she wasn’t offering to perform sexual services there on her knees in exchange for your favor and continued support?”

Christian hesitates and looks away from me, running an awkward hand through his dark hair. “Okay, so it’s partially what you think.”

I gasp, appalled – because, I mean, a huge part of me was hoping that when Christian insisted that I was wrong in my interpretation that I was really wrong.

But this!?

“Christian!” I gasp, leaning forward and giving him a shove – hard – on the shoulder. “What the fuck!?”

“Iris!” he protests, stern, knocking my hand away and frowning at him. “I didn’t accept – I was never going to!”

“I’m not living in a house with a girl down the hall who is offering to blow you! I –“

“Iris!” he says again, leaning forward to take my face in his hands as gently as he can. “Please! Let me explain!” I rip my face away, horrified and appalled, not wanting his touch.

He sighs, hard, and drops his head, shaking it, gathering his words.

“Well?” I say, crossing my arms and glaring hard at the top of his head, wondering what the hell he could possibly say that’s going to fix any of this.

“Iris, you’re…look.” He sighs and raises his head again, meeting my eyes. “Lucy did something really stupid today, but it’s not a move that’s entirely unprecedented – or unexpected.”

My eyebrows fly up nearly to my hairline – because is he saying that – has he – did he and Lucy before – were they –

“Stop that train of thought,” he says, pointing a finger at me and holding my gaze seriously. “You are letting your imagination run away with you. Just…hear me out, okay?”

I clench my teeth but let my shoulders sag a little bit because…god, this is exhausting. I just…need to know. Need him to make this better.

“In this world,” Christian says softly, “a woman in a family needs…a tie to the family to be within it, to be protected by it. She can either be born into the family – in which case she’s always cared for. Or, she can be the mother of children in the family, like Giana. A girl like Lucy, though…” his word fade off and he shrugs.

I stay still, still looking hard at him, waiting for this to get better.

“Lucy is well aware,” Christian continues, “that when she lost Tony, she lost her tie to this family. If she wants to stay under our protection she…needs a new one. Her offer to me – to become…a woman whose company I…enjoy…”

I roll my eyes at the euphemism and Christian’s shoulders slump a little as he admits, tacitly, that he’s dancing around it a bit.

“Fine,” he says, holding a hand up, “my mistress, my girlfriend. Whatever you want to call her. It’s not unprecedented, Iris – a lot of mob bosses – most of them, honestly – have girls on the side. Even girls down the hall, like Lucy is now.”

My mouth falls open at this news, horrified at the idea.

“But I was never going to say yes,” Christian says softly, reaching out for me.

Again, I flinch away.

“You were touching her, Christian,” I snap, shaking my head and frowning at him. “Stroking her hair like you were considering it, had even said yes –“

“I was not!”

“You were!” I shout, appalled that he’d lie about it, my mouth open as I stare into his face.

“Okay,” he says, raising his hands defensively, realizing he’s on hazy ground. “Let’s be perfectly clear here. I did touch her hair –“

My eyes fly wide at the admittance and I sit up stark straight.

“But!” he continues, likewise leaning forward, eager to defend himself. “There was nothing like…sensual, or contractual, about it! I was just trying to comfort her, Iris! This poor girl drops to her knees in front of me – my dead brother’s girlfriend – offering me all kinds of desperate things – I fucking felt sorry for her!”

“Well then you should have offered her a hand up,” I snarl through my teeth, leaning forward to hold his gaze evenly. “You don’t gaze down into her do-me eyes and pet her softly like she belongs there on her knees. God, Christian!” I lean back away from him, shaking my head, unblinking as I stare at my husband. “I…do I even know who you are!?”

“Iris,” he sighs, shaking his head, his eyes scared and a little desperate. “You’re right – I did the wrong thing – but – fuck, can’t you give me a little credit here? I said no! I may have…comforted her wrong, but nothing happened! Nothing was going to – is going to! Ever!”

I soften a little, my mind turning, wondering if I’m being too harsh.

Christian leans forward, slipping his hand around mine, squeezing it as he begs. “Please, Iris. I love you – I’m so in love with you. I made a mistake but please give me some credit – I would never betray you like that!”

I look up into his face then, my mouth starting to wobble a little, tears forming in my eyes. Tears of relief, and exhaustion, and love, and…god, I don’t know what.

“Daisy,” he murmurs, moving fast to gather me in his arms and pull me close to his chest. “I’m so sorry, darling. You’ve…you’ve really been through it these past couple days, and it’s all my fault, and I’m so sorry.”

I lean against my husbands chest, curling against him, crying into the fabric of his shirt. Christian just holds me tight, rocking me softly, whispering warm sweet things until I calm down a bit.

I look up into his face then, and he looks back down at me, and I know that I forgive him. Of course I do.

But…

I also know that I can’t live like this.

“Is it over, Chrisitan?” I whisper, desperate for him to say yes. “Is it…done? All the horribleness? The violence, the blood? The killing, and the…the other stuff? Can we please, please just start our life – our real life?”

“Yes, Iris,” Christian whispers, softly stroking my cheek. “It’s done. I promise it’s done. I promise.”

And so I turn my head inward and press my face to his chest, sagging in relief at his words.

But even as I finally start to truly relax against him…

I wonder if he’s lying to me.

Or if that’s a promise that he can ever keep.