Chapter 121

Jack was waiting for me when I got home. I walked through the front door, not even bothering to sneak back in. He was sitting in the living room alone, the blue light from the TV screen washing across his tense face. It wasn’t tense with anger, though, but fear. His eyes were blown wide, and he jumped up the minute the door closed behind me.

“Celeste,” he said, his voice nearly panicked. I gave him a wide-eyed stare in return. I was expecting a lecture, not this.

“Jack? Did something happen?”

He took a few steps toward me and grabbed my arm. His grip wasn’t too hard, but just enough that it had me uneasy. “Where were you? What happened?” He seemed to take in my disheveled hair and tear-streaked face.

“I went out with Matt.”

“What happened?” he demanded, his voice wavering a little. The look on his face was still one of panic rather than anger. It made my muscles instantly tense. Why was he acting like this? It was so out of character for him.

“I was upset. We just went somewhere to talk.”

“And that’s all that happened?”

I sighed and tried to yank my arm free. His grip on me tightened. “Let go of me.”

“Answer the question.” I was one second away from using force to get him off me. I didn’t care that he was bigger and stronger than me. I was suddenly very willing to try. He must have noticed the defiant look in my eyes because he dropped my arm. “Please Celeste.”

I frowned. He genuinely looked like he might get down on his knees and beg me for an answer. “Jesus Jack, that’s all that happened. We talked.”

“You didn’t have sex?”

I shook my head.

“You promise?”

“Yes, I promise. Why are you freaking out about this so much? So, what if I had? Everyone else my age is doing it, including you. Why would it be such a problem if I did?”

“It’s just not for you,” he said, his eyes dropping to the floor. Some of the tension seemed to go out of him. He must have believed me then. “Not until you’re twenty.”

“And that’s when you’ll finally tell me the truth, right?”

He nodded, still not looking at me.

“Honestly, Jack, I’m not sure if I can wait that long.”

His gaze flew to my face. “Wait for the truth, or for the other thing?” He couldn’t seem to bring himself to say it again.

“Both.”

That panicked look stole over his face again. “Please, Celeste. I know I’ve been an asshole, and you want to have your own life, but you have to wait. It won’t be forever. This won’t be like this forever.” He gestured between us, and I swallowed hard. His words still ran in a loop through my head. My only family didn’t love me.

I shook my head.

“Please,” he repeated. “I’ve said and done some horrible things, but I’ve always had a reason. A good reason.”

“How am I supposed to believe you if you won’t tell me what that reason is?”

He ran a shaky hand through his hair. “Everything I’ve done has been to protect you. I’ve had to do things I’m not proud of to accomplish that,” he revealed. “But please, don’t forget your promise. Things will be different when you’re older.”

“I haven’t forgotten,” I murmured, thinking back to the car. I could have slept with Matt, but I pushed him away. Partly because I wasn’t ready, but also because of Jack and the promise I made to him.

I just wasn’t sure how long I could go on doing that.

“Just, please trust me.”

“I’m trying, Jack,” I said, taking a step away from him. “Trust me, I am. You don’t make it easy, though.”

He hung his head. “I know.”

“You can’t keep me on a leash. There needs to be a compromise.”

He gave me a baleful look. “Compromise?”

“You can’t stop me from seeing Matt. If I want to go out with him, I will. I don’t need a chaperone either. You’re going to have to trust me to keep my promise all on my own.”

He pondered it for a moment, biting at his lip in a familiar gesture. Most of the time, I didn’t see the resemblance between us, but we shared some mannerisms.

“Alright, fine,” he said. “But you also have to continue doing your duties here and your schoolwork. And see you friends every once in a while.”

“I wasn’t planning on being one of those girls.”

He gave me a questioning look.

“That forgets about everything else just because she has a boyfriend.”

He muttered something under his breath that I didn’t catch, but I was almost certain that the word ‘boyfriend’ set him off.

“I’m going to bed,” I said, not liking his angry expression. After all this, I wasn’t going to stick around for a lecture or an insult fest.

I jogged upstairs before he could respond, slamming my bedroom door shut behind me. I had a few texts from Matt asking me how everything went with Jack, and I sent him a few messages to reassure him that everything was fine.

Lunch date again? I asked.

Looking forward to it ;) he responded immediately.

I smiled and shrugged off my winter coat. I left it in a heap on the floor and fell onto my bed, smiling down at my phone as Matt started typing another message.

A part of me felt a twinge of regret as I lay there, thinking about how it felt to have Matt’s hands on me. My blood heated, and I shifted my legs. I wanted more. This whole promise to Jack was a major inconvenience. How could I wait until I was twenty to have sex? That was years away, and Matt was here now.

We loved each other. We’d both finally admitted it. It was only natural that our relationship would become more physical as time went on.

I’m sorry I ran away tonight, I typed. Then I deleted it. There was no point in apologizing again. He was clearly fine with it. I was the one with sudden regrets.

I fell asleep to the memory of Matt’s hands on me. He was in my dreams the rest of the night, kissing me and touching me. When I woke up the next morning, I had more regrets than ever. I wanted him, and I trusted him. After everything, I knew he wasn’t going to do something to hurt me again.

I believed him when he said he loved me.

And I wanted to be with him. I just couldn’t tell Jack. Whatever his reasons for the promise, I couldn’t imagine there were life or death stakes attached. I didn’t know why he wanted me to wait until I was twenty, but I had to imagine that if it were truly serious, he would tell me the reason behind it.

It was something to think about, anyway.

I jumped up and started getting ready for school, despite being up way earlier than I usually was. I wanted to look good for my lunch date with Matt.

Morning, Matt texted me.

I smiled to myself. Good morning, I replied.

Maybe Jack just didn’t want it to happen with Matt. They used to be friends, and I could understand why that might be weird for him. I just couldn’t let my brother's reservations stop me from living my life anymore.