Chapter 131

“None of this is your fault,” Matt assured me. Unfortunately, his kind words didn’t do much to get me out of my own head. I couldn’t help but blame myself for everything that happened with Alyx. I never should have trusted him.

“Then why does it feel like it?” I said, my voice small.

“You can’t blame yourself for any of this.” Matt took my hand and gave it a gentle squeeze. I couldn’t bring myself to hold his hand back, but he didn’t let go. “What happened with Alyx wasn’t your fault.”

I turned my face away, a tear tracking its way down my cheek. God, I was tired of crying all the time. When would I catch a break?

The silence stretched between us, and even though I knew Matt was waiting for me to say more, I couldn’t bring myself to. “Celeste?” Matt murmured. It took me a few more minutes to get my emotions under control. When I turned to face him again, my eyes were dry.

He gave me a sad look.

“I never should have trusted him,” I repeated. “He said it was my fault. Maybe he was right. No one’s going to believe that he forced himself on me.”

“Fuck what everyone else believes,” Matt said, his tone stern. He cupped my face in hands, making me to look at him. I met his stormy eyes. “None of this is your fault. None of it! He deserves all the blame.”

“But–”

He shook his head. “Don’t put this on your shoulders. You’re the victim here, not him.” I noticed then that his hands were shaking slightly.

I leaned my cheek into one of his hands, another tear slipping free. He wiped it away with his finger.

“Thank you,” I breathed.

When I opened my eyes, he was looking at me like I’d broken his heart. He quickly smoothed his expression, but I could see it in his eyes. The fact that I was hurt was killing him. The tension suddenly went out of my shoulders. I was safe in here with Matt. He believed me. I knew I shouldn’t need another person’s validation, but it still felt good to have his.

“I love you,” he said, his hands still shaking.

I leaned across the council and kissed him. His hands slid back into my hair, and he kissed me back with gentle lips. I dragged my hands up his broad shoulders.

He pulled away long before I was ready. “You’re missing class,” he said.

“I don’t care. I just want to be with you.”

He nodded, toying with a single strand of my hair. He gazed into my eyes for a moment, then turned to peer around at the parking lot. “Do you want to get out of here?”

“Yes.”

“Where to?”

“Can we just hang out at your place?”

He gave me a soft smile. “Of course.”

I returned the smile and leaned back in my seat. As long as I had Matt, things would be okay. No matter what, he’d protect me.

~

It was well past eleven by the time I got home.

When I walked in, the first thing I noticed was the silence of the house. A pang went through me at the thought of my brother sitting in the dark alone.

I wandered into the family room, and sure enough, Jack was reclining on the sofa with a beer bottle in his hand. A stack of empty bottles littered the table beside him. His bloodshot eyes met mine as I wandered into the room, and he leaned forward to mute the hockey game he was watching.

“Jesus, Jack!” I exclaimed once I turned on the nearby lamp and got a good look at his face. He had a vicious bruise along the side of face, and a black eye. His lip was swollen and split along the side.

“It’s nothing,” he said, slurring slightly. He took another long drink from his beer.

“It’s not nothing.” I sat down in the chair across from him. A part of me knew I shouldn’t care so much, but I couldn’t help myself. Even after everything that had happened, he was still my brother. I loved him, even if he didn’t feel the same way.

He waved me off. “I would do it again.”

“I should thank you, I guess.”

He shook his head. “Don’t thank me. It’s my job to protect you. I’m just sorry it took so long for me to notice he was bothering you.”

I sighed and looked away from him. “Jack, I don’t understand this. One minute you're telling your friends that you don’t love me, and the next you’re starting fights to defend me. Either you care about me, or you don’t.”

His wince was audible. “Celeste–”

“Let’s stop lying to each other,” I said, forcing myself to look at him. “I know you blame me for everything that’s happened. I’m just a thorn in your side. Your life would be way better if I never existed.”

“No, it wouldn’t,” he said, leaning forward in his seat. His green eyes bored into mine. “Celeste, I never said I don’t love you. I said some terrible things. Things I didn’t really mean. I can tell you that I had my reasons, but I know you’re tired of hearing that.”

“I don’t understand.”

“Celeste, it’s my job to protect you. Not just because I’m your brother. My methods have been cruel.” He paused to take another sip. “I shouldn’t even be talking to you about this.”

“Please, Jack. I’m tired of being in the dark.”

“It’s for your own safety. I wish…God, I wish I could just be your brother. Things would be so different. Maybe we’d be friends. We could do things like normal siblings.”

“I know you’ve had to be a mom and dad to me, too. I can’t imagine how hard that must have been.” It suddenly dawned on me that I was having a heart-to-heart with Jack, of all people. I never could have seen this coming. We didn’t do honestly. We certainly didn’t do feelings.

“It’s not just that. There’s something more going on here, but I can’t tell you. Not until you’re twenty.”

“But–”

“That’s just how it has to be. I wish it was different. Trust me.” I believed him, but that didn’t make it any easier.

“And Matt? You’ve been horrible to him.”

Jack clenched his jaw and looked away. “You know, you two make sense as a couple,” he admitted. It shocked me into stupefied silence. “In another world, I don’t think I would have minded your relationship so much.” His eyes met mine again. “But that’s not the world we live in. Matt isn’t who you think he is.”

“I know exactly who Matt is.”

His expression twisted. “Well, if that’s true, then I’ve already failed you.”

“How can you hate him like this?” I demanded. “He’s your best friend. He cares about you, and I know you care about him. Don’t throw that away just because you're hell bent on hating what he is. He’s still just Matt.”

I could tell he knew exactly what I was driving at. “Did he tell you what he was? Did he show you?”

I nodded.

“And you don’t have nightmares?”

“Why would I?”

He snorted. “Wow, maybe keeping you in the dark all these years was a mistake. I’ve practically driven you into his arms myself. I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be sorry.”

He turned his face away, his jaw tight. “I wish things could be different. I hope one day you can forgive me.”

I swallowed hard, not liking the look on his face. He looked guilty and a little remorseful. “Jack, what did you do?”

He just looked at me for a moment, then leaned forward and turned the volume back on. The sound of the game drowned out whatever I was about to say. He turned his focus to the screen, and I took the hint.

I jogged upstairs, my heart racing. I hadn’t considered it before, but what if Jack was planning to harm Matt? What if our family hurt him? The thought kept me up all night. I didn’t think I could survive if something bad happened to either of them.