Chapter 1 Grief

ARIANA'S POINT OF VIEW

"You need to eat, honey."Mom's voice was gentle, almost pleading, as she set the tray down on my bedside table. The soup had gone cold a long time ago, but she placed it there anyway, as though she still hoped I'd surprise her.

I didn't look at her....I couldn't.

Instead, I tightened my grip around the blue shirt resting in my lap, my fingers bunching the soft fabric until my knuckles turned white.

It still smelled like Gerald.Not as strongly as it had two weeks ago.

The scent had faded a little every day, and that terrified me more than I wanted to admit. I wasn't ready to lose the last trace of him.

"Ari..."Mom sat beside me on the bed, careful not to touch me immediately. She had learned that over the past two weeks. Whenever she hugged me, I either burst into tears or pulled away.

Today, she simply sat there.

The silence stretched between us, heavy enough to crush us both.

"You can't keep living like this."The corner of my mouth twitched into a bitter smile.

Living???That word didn't feel right anymore.It sounded too... normal....Too hopeful.

Nothing about my life felt normal,Not after the phone call,Not after watching strangers lower my brother into the ground while everyone around me whispered words that refused to make sense.

"He jumped."

"Such a tragedy."

"No one saw the signs."

"He must've been struggling."

Each sentence had echoed through my head so many times that I wanted to scream every time I heard them. They were talking about Gerald......My Gerald.

The boy who laughed too loudly at his own jokes.The boy who could never finish a movie without spoiling the ending first.They spoke about him as though they knew him...... but they didn't. No one did.

"Ariana."Mom's voice pulled me back to the room.She was looking at me now.

The dark circles beneath her eyes had grown darker since the funeral. Her once neatly styled hair was tied into a loose bun that had almost come undone.

Grief hadn't spared her either.It had simply chosen different ways to hurt us.She reached toward me hesitantly before resting her hand over mine.

The warmth of her fingers should've been comforting.Instead, it reminded me how cold Gerald's hand had felt at the funeral....I quickly looked away.

"I made your favorite soup."

"I even added extra pepper, just the way you like it."

"I know, mom"

"Then please..."Her voice cracked.

"Just a few spoonfuls."I swallowed hard.

"I can't."

"Why?"Because eating meant accepting that life was still moving.Because the world expected me to wake up, eat breakfast, return to school and smile again but none of those words left my mouth.Instead, I whispered,

"I'm not ready."Mom's shoulders slumped.She looked down at the untouched tray before letting out a slow breath.

"I miss him too."The words settled heavily between us and I finally turned to look at her.

There were tears in her eyes,Not loud sobs......Just silent ones she'd clearly become used to wiping away before anyone noticed.

"I still expect him to come running downstairs every Friday evening," she admitted with a sad smile.

Despite everything.......I smiled.

Gerald never came home from boarding school quietly.He'd throw his duffel bag near the staircase, kick off his shoes wherever he pleased and immediately begin complaining about me before he'd even said hello.

Mom would scold him,Dad would pretend to agree with him just to annoy me and somehow...The entire house would feel alive again.

Now the silence was unbearable.

"I keep thinking I'll hear him," Mom whispered.

"The front door opens and..."She couldn't finish.Neither of us could and immediately my little smile disappeared.

I lowered my gaze to the shirt in my hands and absentmindedly smoothed out one of the wrinkles.

"You know what the worst part is?"My voice came out barely above a whisper.Mom looked at me.

"I can't wash this."She frowned slightly.

"The smell..."I blinked quickly.

"If I wash it..."My throat tightened.

"...I'll lose the last thing that still smells like him."Mom covered her mouth as another tear escaped.

Finally, Mom stood.She picked up the tray again but didn't move toward the door.Instead, she looked back at me.

"Your school called."I didn't answer.

"They said your classmates have been asking about you."Still nothing.

"They miss you."I let out a humorless laugh.

"They'll stop."

"Ariana..."

"They will."I looked down at the shirt.

"People always move on."She shook her head.

"Not everyone....You need to go back to school"

"I wish I could."The confession slipped out before I could stop it.

"I really wish I could."Mom walked back over and gently brushed a strand of hair behind my ear.

"No one is asking you to forget Gerald."

"It feels like they are."

"No."

"It does."I looked up at her, my eyes burning.

"Everyone keeps saying the same thing."

"He was depressed."

"He was struggling."

"He couldn't take it anymore."I shook my head.

"They keep talking like they knew him."Mom opened her mouth but hesitated.

"They didn't."My voice was firmer now.

"They didn't know my brother."The room fell quiet once more.

Mom stared at me for several seconds before speaking carefully.

"The police investigated the case."

"They lied."

"Ariana..."

"They're lying! Every single one of them!"Mom closed her eyes.

"There were witnesses."

"I don't care."

"The school submitted their report."

"I don't care."

"It was ruled a suicide."I slowly stood up.

"No."

"Ariana..."

"I know Gerald."

"You need to let him go."I shook my head.

"No"I looked at Gerald's shirt one last time before lifting my eyes to hers"

If no one else is willing to uncover the truth..."I met her eyes.

"...then I'll be the one who does."

"Ariana......please"

"...because my brother didn't kill himself."