Chapter 1 Prologue

Bree

“What’s he doing here?”

I’d heard the whispers already, and ignored them but I couldn’t ignore them now. Neither could I bring myself to turn away from the shining oak coffin that lay on the flap of fake grass in front of me.

Why was it so shiny?

Beneath my sun glasses my eyebrows pinched together so tightly that I knew I was going to give myself a headache.

Oh who was I kidding? I had a migraine anyway, a solid week of crying would do that to you. The sunglasses might shield my eyes from the glaring sun but they also had another job.

They hid my swollen bloodshot eyes from the small crowd that had gathered to lay the better half of my soul to rest. 

But why was his coffin so shiny, why did the brass handles shine so fucking brightly even through my dark lenses.

Why did they have to make everything so damn clean? There was nothing clean about our life before and there sure as hell wasn’t anything shiny about it now.

We were dirty.

A sob ripped its way out of my throat and next to me my mother clutched at my hand. Her own shaking was so hard that it felt like I was being electrocuted. I swallowed back the next sob that threatened to engulf us both in grief and tightened my fingers around hers,

I had to be strong for her now because I was all she had now.

Because the best of us, the strongest, smartest and -

I turned my face away as the coffin was slowly lowered into the ground. It all happened with agonising slowness almost like they were trying to drag it out and make ig suffer.

And who could blame them. We were dirt. Every single one of us apart from him and they were about to place him in the ground.

So I was guessing he was now dirt as well.

This time instead of a sob a manically giggle tumbled from my lips before I could bite the sound off.

Strange how the world worked because out of my entire family he was not the one who was meant to die first.

Brennan was meant to live. 

He was the one with the future and now it was gone.

Because of me.

People told me it wasn’t my fault but deep down I knew the truth. 

If I hadn’t got into trouble, If I'd listened to him then all of this wouldn’t have happened. 

Brennan had always known the truth but did I ever listen to him. 

Did I hell?

I thought I knew better and it had killed him.

“You have to -“ someone said behind me but I didn’t look behind me because if I did that then I would see him. The one person who I didn’t want to see. 

“Mom.” Clutching her hand a little tighter I led her forward. Shuffling us towards the coffin that was already nestled into the hole in the ground that would be Brennans final resting place. “We need to-“ pausing I searched my brain for what we were meant to do but came back blank. 

We’d gone through this, I had told them that I would remember and help my mom through this and here I was , frozen with paralysing fear.

Just like I had been that night. 

Bending down I threw the handful of dirt that I didn’t remember picking up on to the coffin. It splattered on the shiny wood and a wave of relief flooded me.

That was better.

Death shouldn’t be shiny, it should be dark and dirty and full of the despair that we were feeling.

Straightening I glanced through my eyelashes at the cloudless sky and winced back. It seemed the sky hadn’t got the memo. The day was glorious, warm, sunny. The kind of day we should have been out and enjoying before Brennan went off to live his dream and I went off to college. 

It shouldn’t be this sunny on the day we lay him in the ground. 

I hated it.

“I’m so sorry for your loss.” 

My eyes narrowed as my hand was grabbed from my moms and squeezed between two thin ones. “I mean it Bree, if there’s anything I can do please just let me know. We all loved Brennan and-“

Hypocrite , I wanted to scream it into her overly made up face. She wasn’t going to be there for me or my mom. In fact the only time she had ever given me a second look was when she was making my life a total misery.

I was too poor, too chubby, too shy.

Yvonne macalister was a class A bitch, of course Brenna was all the things she bullied me for as well but that didn’t matter to Yvonne and her posse of bitches because he was Brennan, the golden boy.

Being poor was only a sin when you weren’t  scouted by a national team in your senior year.

“Thank you.” My mom reached up and kissed her cheek. “I know Brennan would be happy you are with us. He cared about you dearly. Please don’t be a stranger.”

“He was the love of my life.”

Behind my glasses I rolled my eyes. Love of her life , sure. But only when it suited her and rumours were she had already moved on because when you were the kind of girl Yvonne was the love of your life was always the boy who was going to get you somewhere.

And that was no longer Brennan.

“I hope you will come and see us-“ My mothers voice finally broke. Yanking her away from supreme bitch number one I wrapped mu arms around her. Pulling her head down into my shoulder to muffle the strangled sounds she was making. 

No one else came to say goodbye to us. 

No one wanted to see the scene that was about to unfold.

“Is there a wake?”

“I mean,” someone snipped. “Did you see what they are wearing? Fatty was almost spilling out of that blouse.”

I could almost hear the eye roll but I didn’t loosen my grip ok my mom. She needed me right now, she needed me more than I needed to throw my fist into Yvonne’s lying smug face.

Brennan was dead and she still couldn’t be a decent human being for half a day.

Bitch.

“I mean even if they did have a wake, Miss piggy would just eat all the food.”

Barely whispered laughter bubbled up behind us. 

They couldn’t even go a day without being bullying pricks.

“I heard that they are like a month away from losing their house.”

In my arms my mom stiffened. “Ignore them mom.” I whispered. “They don’t know what they are talking about. Let’s go home.”

She didn’t want to leave and honestly neither did I. Walking away meant walking away from everything we had worked towards. 

What were we meant to do now? 

As much as I hated to admit it, they were right. Without Brennan we were going to lose the house.

I’d sleep in a box if I could have him back though. I’d give anything, even my own life because at the end of the day it was always meant to be me in that box. 

“What are we going to do Bree?” My moms voice cracked.

“I don’t know.” I whispered right back. “But I’ll work something out. I’ll look after us, I promise.”

It was a promise I planned on keeping because it was a promise I knew Brennan had made to her and he wasn’t around anymore, so I would keep it for him.

I had to.

Finally she let me turn her, and that’s when I saw him. Huddled under a tree , he looked completely out of place in his sports wear. His packed duffel bag at his feet.

The cold grief that had been filling me turned into a torrent of lava. Heating me from the inside.

“Mum go to the car.” I gave her a little shove forward, and heading in his way. 

“Honey don’t,” She called after me but I was past caring about making a scene. For the girls who had made my life hell for the last few years I could hold my tongue but for him- no way. It just wasn’t going to happen.

“What are you doing here?” I hissed.

“I just wanted to-“ he’d taken half a step forward like he was coming to comfort me when I came to a stop.

“You’re not wanted here.” I said through gritted teeth and then I smashed my closed fist into the boy who had killed my twin brother's face.