Chapter 55

“You’re still not dating him?” Annie presses as she takes a large bite of garlic bread. “Esme, it’s been months of this incessant back and forth!”

“And that means I’m supposed to date my boss?”

“No, that means you should have fucked your boss.” Annie smirks at me, dancing her blonde eyebrows. “The tension is palpable.”

I roll my eyes and grab my water. “The only thing palpable is my never-ending lawsuits between going through a divorce and being assaulted at my job.”

Lily puts her hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “I’m still sorry we couldn’t help you,” she says gently. “I can’t imagine how you’ve been getting through.”

“Thank you.” My voice is genuine, and I pat her hand with my own before I look at both friends. “I’m just getting exhausted.”

The restaurant we’ve gone to is a staple. Mama’s Meatballs is where we end up finding ourselves at least once a month. No Italian in the city tastes better. Annie picks up her glass of red wine and sips while Lily butters a piece of bread.

“I still think you should sleep with him at least once,” Annie mumbles.

“And I still think that’s a terrible idea,” I monotone. “This is the best job I could possibly imagine having. You want me to fuck my boss and get fired by HR?”

“No one’s saying you have to get fired. Why does sleeping with him once compromise everything?”

I roll my eyes, knowing I can’t keep this secret no matter how much I wish to. “Derek knows about the baby.”

Annie chokes on her wine and starts coughing while Lily actually drops her butter knife with a CLANG.

“He what?!” They shout in unison, drawing some attention from around us.

“Shhh!” I demand.

“How is it you forget to tell us the juicy details?” Lily asks while Annie keeps coughing.

“Because nothing is going on!” I groan, rolling my head back. “Why do you two refuse to see that we’re just boss and subordinate?”

“The same way I read sexy smut about a billionaire boss sleeping with the female lead and the two falling in love like a Hallmark Christmas movie.”

“I’ll take ‘Clichés’ for 500, Alex,” I mock her.

Annie finally catches her breath. “Dude, we’re your best friends. You really think we don’t see through all of these excuses you lay out?”

“Let me just repeat it: Derek is my boss.”

“And let me just say that doesn’t stop anyone from growing feelings!” Annie flips back.

“You two need to keep this shit to yourselves,” I warn. “I’m already afraid of Ryan finding out about the baby and the defamation suit.”

“So, you want us to lie on the stand?” Annie feigns shock.

“You’re not going to be put on a witness stand, Ann.”

Lily picks up the joke. “So says you. Imagine holding that bible and swearing we know nothing when we’re the only ones who know the truth.”

I lean back in my chair and groan, huffing out air. “I need new friends.”

“We’re not saying anything, Esme, come on,” Annie teases, bumping her foot with mine. “Let us have a bit of fun.”

“My lips are sealed. I don’t even tell Pedro most of the stuff we talk about.”

Annie nods. “And I don’t tell Guillermo about the things we discuss. He just asks if you’re well, I say yes, we move on.”

Lily leans in with a much more serious expression on her face. “Esme, I do have to ask you something, though.”

“No, I don’t know the gender of the baby.”

“Oh, no, that’s not what I meant, though good to know that I have to bother you about that now.” Lily puts her hand on the table, her eyes fixed. “Is this actually the life you want?”

“What? What do you mean?”

Annie and Lily give each other a look, slightly annoying me.

“Look, Lily is just trying to make sure you’re actually happy with what you have.”

“We don’t want you to live your life in the shadow of your disgusting, scumbag, cheating-ass ex-husband.”

“And also, the fact that teasing you or not, we know you have feelings for your boss.”

I take my water from the table but refuse to say a word. Thankfully, it’s still busy and we haven’t gotten our food yet, so no one is paying attention to us now.

“What we’re saying is, do you think he actually wants this working relationship that you’ve had? Or do you think there might actually be more that he’s keeping from you?”

I narrow my eyes. Are they that astute? Or am I just not the first one to suspect Derek may actually have feelings for me? Because I still have no clue what I’m feeling for him. Maybe it’s the divorce or the fact he knows more about my past than Lily and Annie combined.

But maybe it’s just human nature—a man and a woman are always destined to push the boundaries in any friendship. That’s how it’s felt.

“Contrary to what you believe, I don’t want to hurt anyone with my actions. And if something could happen with my boss, would I want to risk everything I’ve worked for? Or what about everything he has worked for? Derek has two daughters to support full time.”

The two women just watch me as our waiter comes around to put down our pizza that we’re splitting—veggie pizza, hot and ready to eat.

Annie takes a slice and starts covering it with parmesan. “Look, we might love to get on your nerves, but the truth is, even if you don’t have feelings for him, I wonder if you’re scared to put yourself out there.”

Antsy is more like it. After Ryan’s betrayal, why wouldn’t I worry about any other man doing the exact same thing?

Lily takes a huge bite, chewing with her eyes closed as she enjoys every single flavor ever created for this pizza. But when she’s no longer got a mouthful of cheese and veggies, she says, “We want the best for you, girl. And you’ve been through the whole damn circus at this point.”

“I know,” I reply with a mumble.

“Whether or not you really do have feelings for him and that anxiety that may be stored away in that massive brain of yours, you deserve to actually do something that might make you the happiest you’ll ever be.”

I sigh. “And if it’s the worst thing I’ll ever feel?”

Annie sticks a finger up in the air. “The worst he can do is say no. He’s not going to fire you for asking him about his heart.”

“Or, better yet, he does fire you, then you can be together,” Lily gasps.

“I’d ideally like to come out of this without losing my job,” I reply dryly.

“Be honest with yourself then,” Annie instructs. “Ask your heart and your mind what you want and what it’s worth to get it.”

I give no response to this and start eating my own slice of pizza. This helps my friends move on from talking about my dating life and Lily starts talking about an event she has to participate in for her own job.

I do loosen up a bit, enjoying catching up with the girls after a few weeks. But I can’t shake the feeling of being unsettled. Something in my gut just tells me they’re right.

Maybe it’s the baby that I am still terrified of having.

Or maybe they’re right, and my heart just doesn’t know how to feel.