Chapter 59

Annie and Lily come over for the first time in a while. It feels so nice to be surrounded with my girls, and their hugs when first arriving feel like something I’ve deprived myself of.

“I wish you’d find out the gender,” Annie groans as she stretches herself out on the sofa. “I want to know if I’m gonna be the cool aunt to a boy or a girl.”

I snort. “The baby is healthy. Who cares what they come out as? Besides, all the woke parents these days don’t want a gender reveal. The baby will tell me how it feels once it knows.”

Lily glares at me. “Where’d you get this totally accurate information? You been scrolling through all your social media feeds until four in the morning?”

“What?” I gawk. “No! It’s the truth!”

Annie picks up a carrot in her salad, chucking it across the room at Lily. “Shush! You’re not pregnant, or even married! You don’t get a say yet.”

“How dare you!” Lily sticks her tongue out. “No one said I had to get married to be pregnant.”

“True, look at Esme.”

I snort. “I’m still married to that bastard!”

“Yeah, Annie! See? No labels are needed,” Lily teases. “I can do whatever I want with this baby-making machine.”

“Both of you are absolutely senseless today,” I moan into my hands.

I haven’t felt right since Derek left my office. In truth, I feel guilty, and like the worst person on the planet.

My heart has been screaming for an entire week. I couldn’t even sleep that night. Just tossed and turned, struggling to forgive my actions.

The look in his eyes was the trick. Everything he was trying to hide, trying to conceal from being revealed, it all came down to that look.

I imagine the pain and agony of becoming a single father. Two little girls and a man who has no clue what’s best. Struggling to understand each nuance, each emotion, and each fear from the two of them.

“Earth to Esme! Come in, Esme!” Annie throws a crumpled napkin, which hits me in the face, startling me back to the current moment.

“Sorry.”

“You thinking about your hot boss again?” Lily’s eyebrows dance.

“Lily, stop, I’m begging you.”

She must hear it in my voice, because Lily sits up straighter in her seat. “I’m sorry. I really was just teasing.”

Annie moves closer to me, her hand gently laying on my shoulder. “Hey, we’re not actually trying to make things worse, ya know?”

Lily nods, and the worry starts to grow on her face.

“Sometimes it’s just a good way to distract you from everything. Make some jokes, poke fun, all that jazz.”

I sigh, still feeling heavy emotions clouding my head. A fog I can’t lift.

“Why don’t we look up some baby names?” Annie suggests. “Maybe we can start helping make this pregnancy actually positive?”

“Or, we can go online shopping to find super cute clothes for the baby! Oh, or plan the nursery!”

Though I’m obviously keeping the baby, I don’t know if here is where I’ll be living. There is another room in the apartment, but it’s mostly sat full of things I didn’t really need to unpack. I guess that can be the room for the baby if I don’t leave?

Knowing Derek is the owner of the complex, though, doesn’t make the choice easier. The probability of constantly running into him when we’re trying to stick to work only is just so high.

“I don’t know what to do,” I finally tell my best friends. “I appreciate your support, honestly. But it’s just…I don’t feel like I know what to do anymore.”

Annie pulls me to her chest with a hug. “Sweetie,” she coos. “It’s all going to be okay; you know that.”

“I’m under an internal investigation with my boss for an affair that we’re not even having, pregnant with my psycho-ex’s baby, and I’m in the middle of a lawsuit against the man who sexually assaulted me!”

“You were what?” Lily gasps, covering her mouth with her hands.

I look at the two of them, realizing I’d never told them about Ken or the lawsuit we’re going through.

“When the fuck did you get assaulted?” Annie’s blonde eyebrows are nearly hidden behind her hair. She and Lily share a harsh stare that could cut glass.

I feel myself shrinking as I look between the two. This is the part where I give them the answers they ask for and tell them the truth about my abuse from when I was younger. But that’s not so simple.

Tears crowd my eyes, slipping down my cheeks. Fuck I really wish I hadn’t said anything because now I feel backed into a corner.

“Esme?” Annie asks quietly. “Who hurt you? Are you okay?”

But there aren’t answers. Just like Bea in the flower shop, I cry in front of the two of them, unable to speak about the past.

Lily comes to us, and instead of pressuring me to open up, the two just hold me in their arms, shushing me and making me feel safe.

“It’s okay. You’re okay. We got you.”

This wasn’t how our day was supposed to go, but I’m grateful for these two. How could I ever imagine my life without Annie and Lily?

For once in our friendship, my friends don’t pressure me to open up with them. They just protect me. I’m not used to such behavior from my sarcastic, goofy friends. It’s nice, because ever since I left Ryan I’ve felt as if the entire world has demanded answers, even if I’m not ready.

It’s not until I’ve finally stopped crying that the girls decide to distract me.

“Come on, let’s go look at your spare room. We’ll imagine a beautiful nursery for you,” Lily insists. She wipes a rouge tear off her own cheek, and I can’t help but smile.

“And we’ll pick some baby names,” Annie adds. “Traditional boys and girls names, and maybe some fun gender swap ones, too.”

“I love you both.”

Annie pushes some of my blonde locks of hair from my face. “We love you, too.”

Lily smiles and messes with her brown bangs. “Let’s go distract you with happy baby things.”

It’s a smart idea, and the three of us drag chairs into the nursery.

“I can see this entire wall decorated with zoo animals,” Annie gushes, waving her arm across the blank canvas.

“That’s so cute!” Lily claps her hands.

“It’s a good theme so that way it doesn’t matter what the gender of the baby is.”

I nod, telling myself it’s best if I get into it. The two of them are doing everything to help me feel better. Besides, I’m almost three months along. I have to start making decisions sooner or later.

My smile appears. “Zoo animals is a great idea. Or maybe the circus?”

“I know when I was little my parents had Winnie the Pooh stickers up in my room.” Annie giggles. “Oh my God, that’s so cringy to admit.”

Lily taps her arm. “Not silly! I think everything was pretty much pink and frilly for mine, though.”

“I honestly don’t even remember mine; I’d have to ask my mom.”

“Angie probably just put your crib up against their bed,” Lily taunts me, sticking her tongue out. “The way she’s talked about you as a baby.”

“I was fussy, that’s not my fault.”

Annie sits back down with us, shrugging. “Nope, definitely your fault. How dare Esme as a newborn acted fussy! What were you, every other baby ever?”

I can’t help it and snort a short laugh. “You guys suck.”

Lily reaches out and squeezes my hand on my leg. “Yeah, but you love us. Plus, we’re the best friends ever.”

“Laying it on thick,” I roll my eyes.

“So, are you going with the zoo animals, then?”

“Maybe, but I don’t know where to start.”

Lily opens one of her shopping apps. “Got to start somewhere, let’s see what we can find.”

While Lily and I look at what’s being offered in the baby section, Annie starts asking how I feel about names.

“Maple?”

“Is my kid a tree?”

The blonde shakes her head. “What about Opal?”

“Ruby would be really adorable!” Lily insists.

“I’ve always really liked Damian.” I can’t help but admit the truth.

“Oh, or do something classy like Harrison. I don’t know, that just feels like a cool name!”

I hear a knocking on my front door. Who could be coming over?

“Let me go answer the door, you two fight about baby names.”

Bea has only come over once since I last talked to her dad. It was a short visit, but I think even she knew something happened between the two of us.

“My Dad’s been really sad. He just takes care of us and then goes to his room every night.”

I’d lied to Bea about knowing anything. But she’s so smart that I’d be convinced that she could pick up on everything we haven’t said.

I’m just protecting her. She doesn’t understand and won’t for some time.

All I can do right now is this. One day at a time.

I open the door without looking to see who’s on the other side. Bad, terrible, shitty idea of me.

Ryan stands at my door, arms crossed and brooding.

Initially, I jump back. What the hell is with this man? A restraining order exists for a reason!

“You do realize if I call the police, you get arrested and then your court battles become much more difficult, right?” I don’t even bother to hide my frustration or annoyance. “Leave me alone!”

“You’ve been lying to me, Esme. I think that constitutes as a tradeoff.”

“That’s not how this works. You really think you can say anything that can counter your fucking legally binding document? I’m calling my lawyer, the police, everyone. Maybe you’ll finally grow up and learn to respect my boundaries.”

“Just admit you’ve been keeping secrets from me!”

“What the fuck secrets would I not tell you? You’re the one who fucked my cousin, asswipe!”

Annie and Lily must hear our arguing, because the sound of their footfalls quickly follows.

“And you haven’t told me that you are pregnant with my kid!”

My jaw grows slack, and I can’t stop myself from being horrified. My mouth is hanging open. My heart is racing.

How did Ryan find out that I’m pregnant?!