Chapter 69

I block any form of contact Ryan could possibly be giving me. His number, emails, and even my few social media accounts. I’m absolutely fuming, unsure where to put all of this excess energy.

I sit down on my couch, covering my face with my hands, wanting to scream into the ether. This is a nightmare that never ends. How am I supposed to move forward when Ryan won’t let this go?

He asked for the divorce. Now he’s begging me to stay. What about what I want?

My stomach churns, but I don’t know if it’s from the baby or anxiety. I shake my head, thinking about the pain these past few months have brought me, wanting to disappear into thin air.

God.

My phone starts to ring, and I sniff as I check the caller. Rolling my eyes, I pick up the call.

“Mom, now’s not a great time.”

She huffs into the mouthpiece. “Not a good time for your own mother?”

I pinch the bridge of my nose. “I don’t want to do this with you.”

“Then when is a good time? Because you continuing to run away from your marriage isn’t going to solve any of your problems.”

“Okay, Mom. Sure.”

“Esme! You think I don’t know a thing or two about marriage and keeping the peace?”

I snort now. “What are you even talking about right now?”

“Ryan! You two dealing with this messy, waste of time fight!”

“Waste of time? Mom, are you kidding me? You’re trying to talk to me about my marriage when you don’t know a single thing going on?” I throw my hand in the air, knowing she can’t see the disgust and anger on my face.

“I know what’s going on!” She shoots back.

“No, you don’t! Once again, you’re inserting yourself into a situation that doesn’t have anything to do with you!”

I want to throw my phone across the room, aggravated that once again, I have to deal with people that don’t understand what I’m possibly struggling with.

“You mind your manners, Esme. There’s plenty about others that you don’t know.”

I run my hands through my hair, growing more tense, more disgusted.

“If you knew what I was dealing with—” I cut myself off. There’s no reason to give her the details when all she wants to do is deny my feelings.

“You need to forgive Ryan for what you’re so upset about. He’s doing what he can to atone for his mistakes, for his sins.”

“His sins? Do you really just see them as some Godly-named words? It’s not just a sin, it’s a betrayal, it’s backstabbing and taking every piece of me that he can find and shredding it to pieces.”

Angie is quiet on her end, seemingly waiting to make sure I’m done ranting.

Her lack of compassion proves she never would have listened to me if I told her what I was dealing with. The nightmares and the family members I sought to avoid.

She refuses to see the damage that Ryan has done to not only our marriage and love, but to my person. And that’s so selfish of her to do.

“It’s part of marriage to forgive. To look within yourself and find the answers, even if it may not appear before you right away,” my mother tries, slower and assured.

I can’t help it. I start shaking my head like she can see me. “No, Mom. There’s no forgiving here.”

“I don’t understand why you’re being so stubborn, Esme, I didn’t raise you to be like this. You love Ryan. You exchanged vows in front of God—”

“Would you stop bringing God into this?” I snap back. “You and your uber religious beliefs! Thinking that the sin is in talking aloud about a man turning his back on me!”

Angie’s voice raises an octave. “How could you—”

I don’t let her finish again. “Divorce is what I’m choosing to do. I won’t sit here and be insulted by my own mother, having religion shoved in my face as though I’m some child without a brain cell to comprehend my own life.”

“Esme!”

“It’s true, Mom! You want to know why I’m leaving Ryan? The real reason behind all of this fighting, all the divorce talk? Because he cheated. He slept with Melinda, got her pregnant and then, she lost the baby!”

Mom’s gasp isn’t so easily muffled as she may think it is, but I only continue on, the train of thought not stopping.

“And guess what Ryan did? He left Melinda, because she had a fucking miscarriage. Now he comes crawling back to me like I’m the one who did wrong by him. You seem to believe that because we’re married, I have to accept every single flaw in Ryan.”

“Because you—”

“No!” I bark. “No more excuses. I’m never forgiving Ryan. He is stalking me, he is abusing his power over me, threatens me and those I care about. There is no good left in that man, Mom! Stop defending him, he’s not even your son.”

I storm into the bedroom, wanting to end this horrid conversation with Angie. “All you ever wanted was your family to be whole, Mom. But it’s never been like that for me. You’re so busy shoving our head up your own ass that you refuse to see how distraught I am, your own daughter.”

I grab a random book, hurling it across the room while my blood continues to pump faster and faster. I need more, I am so aggravated. This is the perfect time to punch a hole in the wall.

I don’t want to have to explain to Derek though why that might be.

“Baby, listen for a second. Hear me. You know, it took a long time for me to finally forgive your father. Years, in fact. But I knew it was the right thing to do.”

Forgive my father? The man I barely know? The one who refused to stick around after his kid was born?

“Mom,” I say through gritted teeth. “That’s like the pot calling the kettle black.”

“What?”

“My father and Ryan aren’t so interchangeable. They’re both low-life bastards who will never be good fathers, let alone good men. You’re blind if you refuse to see just how similar the men we chose are. Two washed up, pathetic, horrible men. And fathers.”

I bite my tongue, realizing I’ve just slipped. Shit, did she catch that? I haven’t wanted to tell Angie about the baby. Especially now that she is begging me to “fix” my marriage.

“There’s a chain of forgiveness you follow in life, baby girl. Right now, this is your time to forgive and move forward.”

I ball my hand into a fist. That’s it. I’m putting a hole in the wall.

But I don’t get the chance.

I hear the front door being knocked on, remembering that Derek and the girls are coming over for the rest of their things. Shit.

I take a deep breath, hurrying to get the door.

“As much as I’d love to continue having this shitty conversation, I need to go, Mom. I have company.”

I open the door, Derek’s gentle frame and smile the first things I see. It relaxes me, before I set my eyes on Bea and Tris, both grinning ear to ear.

“Just think about what I’ve said, Esme.”

“Goodbye, Mom.”