Chapter 79

A sleepless night. Tossing and turning, images of Derek next to me on the couch, and the words of Ryan replaying in my head.

I end up in the shower at 4am. The frustration of trying to understand Derek’s intentions is killing me.

My ankles are absolutely killing me. I sit on the edge of the bathtub, head bent forward as the water cascades over me.

The way Derek stood up quickly last night, essentially dismissing me from the apartment after handing me that necklace, makes no sense.

I can understand trying to avoid Sadie while she’s around the girls. But why me? He’s clearly been interested in me for a long time. I even tried to force him out of my life to ensure we could still keep our jobs and keep things simple.

Nothing about my relationship with Derek seems simple anymore.

“What the fuck?” I groan into my hands. “What the actual fuck?”

I stay in the shower, half wanting to fall asleep under the stream of warmth. I keep replaying moments between the two of us. Him saving me from Ryan. Me being there for him and the girls. Going to the doctor together. Holding memories tight of time we’ve spent together.

“Am I really so stupid?” I ask myself, wondering if I missed any signs. “What if there’s nothing left between us?”

Am I making up Derek’s feelings? Just because he was attracted to me before doesn’t mean he still carries a torch for me.

Finally, the water beginning to chill on my skin, I exit the shower, my head pounding as I rub my wet hair in the mirror's reflection.

“Just because he saved you from your marriage doesn’t mean he owes you anything,” I tell the image ahead of me. I wrap my robe around my body. Parts of my skin cling to the fabric as they’re still drying.

But the necklaces he’s given me. The kindness he’s shown. Those feelings aren’t just because he has a good heart. Not to me, anyway.

I flop on my back on my bed. Sammy jumps from his spot, rushing off the sheets to his food dish in the kitchen. He’s a blur of grey hair. I frown.

I growl, “Even my cat doesn’t care about my emotions.”

Glancing at the clock on my nightstand, I see that it’s almost six now.

I pick up my phone and stare at it, trying to will it to give me any ideas of what to possibly do.

There’s nothing. What would my sign be anyway?

Annie and Lily’s laughter fills my mind. I can almost hear both of them as though they’re right beside me. Annie’s voice trickles in first. “You need to get laid!”

Lily snorts. “Clearly, we can all see how long ago that was!”

Okay, that’s just weird but accurate to how they perceive my life. I stare down at my stomach, which has barely begun to grow. But the voices of my best friends do have a point.

The sexual tension between us is so palpable. Derek may not have feelings like before, but I know that I’m officially a horny motherfucker. It’s been months since I fucked Ryan. But I don’t think I can wait much longer.

Sitting up, I move toward my drawer. Hidden under a few other odds and ends is my vibrator. I’ve never been one to play with myself very often, but this dry spell deserves some much-needed rain.

I lie back down on the bed, suddenly nervous. Nothing to be nervous about, I know that much.

“Breathe, Esme,” I instruct my brain.

Slowly and carefully, I move to toy down to my already exposed flesh. Thank God I didn’t get dressed.

The toy touches my skin, and I quickly suck in the breath. I move it down and around my clit, feeling as my body grows wet and warm.

I let my head fall back against the pillow again, clenching my eyes closed as I imagine Derek being the one who’s on top of me instead of my own hand.

My pussy pulsates as the toy moves slowly into my body.

Biting my lip, I groan and whimper aloud.

“Oh God. Fuck.”

My mind shows Derek smiling down at me. His white teeth dazzle and glimmer. Then, he’s moving his free hand to his own pants.

“Don’t stop, don’t stop,” I whine.

Dream Derek leans his mouth into my ear. “In no world could I ever stop.”

My breathing grows ragged. “You feel so good inside of me.”

“I’ve been waiting to get my hands on you, Esme.”

I can’t stop myself from climaxing at those imaginary words. Crying out with pleasure, I feel my hand grow wet, and a shudder rushes through every inch of my body.

“Holy shit,” I murmur into Dream Derek’s shoulder.

“Esme?”

As if a cartoon, the bubble of my hot, sexual fantasy pops. My eyes snap open, my vibrator still going, my hand still soaked, and my heart slamming against my chest.

“Derek?”

He comes walking into my bedroom with a baseball bat and no shirt on.

Oh my fucking God.

I’m too stunned to move, my eyes wide and my breathing becoming erratic.

“I heard noises and thought you were getting attacked, I grabbed the first thing I could find—”

That’s when Derek’s eyes finally look over my entire body.

I might die from embarrassment because this is…oh God, I don’t even know what to say.

“Oh.”

I slowly pull my hand away, Derek’s eyes following the vibrator as I turn it off. The room becomes eerily silent after that. The only thing I can hear is my pulse in my head.

“I’m fine.” The words sound choppy.

He moves to drop the baseball bat. I stay in my spot, happy to have the robe on my body now.

I wonder how red my cheeks are. Because they’re burning right now.

“Couldn’t sleep.” More choppy words. As if that will make it better.

“I heard you on the other side of the wall. I’m sorry. I knocked a bunch, but when you didn’t answer I came in.”

“Did you bust my front door open?” I ask, seemingly forgetting what Derek’s seen me doing.

“I have keys.” He grabs the key ring from his pocket and jingles them. “Remember?”

Needing an excuse to not be laying down on my bed while still having a wet hand, I force myself to get up off the mattress. I move with purpose toward the bathroom.

I should close the door and tell him to go home now. But he seemingly follows me. Once I’ve got my hands under the water at the sink, I take several pumps of soap before lathering up my hands.

For his part, my boss moves into the bathroom and up to me while I wash my hands.

“Is everything okay?”

I snort without even thinking.

“Esme.” Derek’s voice is quieter now. When I turn off the water and try to get a hand towel, he stops me by gently taking my wrist.

“Just forget everything you saw. I understand you were worried, but I’m fine, no one is here, and no one is hurt.”

The words just fall from my lips. I can’t even look up at the man’s soft eyes. Instead, I focus on the marble countertops next to me.

Then, to my shock, Derek’s other hand touches my chin. He lifts my face and forces me to look into his kind eyes.

I can feel his breathing even now. My heart is screaming to be heard, but I’ve grown quiet again.

The main problem I’m having is I’m still very horny. And five minutes ago, I was imagining this man pleasuring me. Now we stand here, his hands holding two different parts of me, and I’m frozen in place.

“Are you sure you’re just ‘fine’ here?” He whispers.

Derek’s head bows toward me, but my entire body starts to scream.

“Or is there something frustrating that you can’t get right now?”

Oh my God. Holy shit. Am I dreaming? Is this real?

“Uhh, I umm…”

I can’t even speak.

Is Derek going to kiss me?