Chapter 80

Derek’s eyes change suddenly. He drops his grip from both my wrist and chin and takes a large step back. “Sorry, that was…sorry.”

But now that I’ve given myself a piece of pleasure, I’m not about to let him get off that easily.

Pun not intended.

“You’re such a coward.”

My neighbor’s brows furrow. “What?”

I don’t know where all this anger has been, but I don’t waste any time in answering his questions. “You’re a coward. You spent all these months being there for me, taking care of me when no one else could, growing closer to me than my best friends, and confusing me for so long I don’t even know how to explain it!”

“What does any of that have to do with being a coward?” He demands to know.

“I don’t want to dance around whatever this is anymore!” I shoot back. I roll my eyes and huff, so tired of all of this. “I know you’ve had feelings for me, Derek. And those feelings started long before our first kiss at the pool. I wasn’t ready, I couldn’t be anything more than a friend to you.”

He doesn’t speak to me. I clench my hands into fists at my sides. “But now we’ve walked out of that courtroom. Ryan is no longer a threat or even allowed in my life. And I’ve been waiting for you to finally tell me what I’ve known for so long.”

“You’re accusing me of pushing you away when we both know that you did that first!”

I groan. “Because I was still in the middle of a divorce! Your girls don’t need to be exposed to any of that shit, especially after Ryan tried to hurt us. But I was mentally not ready for anything. I was still dealing with trauma and flashbacks and confusion and hormones and a fucking abusive, evil man to whom I married!”

“And I understood that part—”

“No, you don’t,” I interrupt. “You would have thrown everything away before I pushed you. But I knew you were doing everything to be a good friend, neighbor and boss. Now when I make it very clear to you what I want, you hand me a present and kick me out of your apartment.”

“The girls were in bed, I hadn’t wanted—”

“You keep gifting me jewelry. You come to me for advice on what to do for Bea and Tris, and Sadie. You continue to join me at baby appointments, but you are no longer interested in being with me?”

Derek takes my face in both of his hands. They’re gentle and soft yet still strongly callused. I don’t fear his touch or his caressing me. I almost close my eyes against his warm hands.

“Esme,” he whispers so gently it might actually break my heart.

“I know I’m right, Derek. You know exactly what you’re doing.”

He sighs heavily, still keeping me in his direct sight. “You’re entirely correct about me. About all of it.”

My eyes widen as he drops his hands.

“I’m a coward. I’ve been afraid of...I’ve been worried about what could happen here. I can’t remember a time before I had feelings for you. I respected your marriage, I never wished to make my feelings clear or make you uncomfortable. But since the day you told me you were divorcing Ryan, I’ve battled my own feelings for you.

“And then we got to know one another outside of the office. Bea and Tris have trusted you since day one. You call me out for my bullshit while at the same time allowing me to call out yours. So not only was I infatuated with you to begin with, but I also started to fall for the woman behind those sapphire blue eyes and the soft, blonde hair.”

Derek’s hand seems to be fighting what to do next. Keep to himself or touch me again.

“Yet even if my feelings ever present, I am that coward. Sadie and I were each a powerful fire capable of destroying everything around us. And I told myself I’d never let my heart break that way again. So, I developed commitment issues. Created walls and challenges that could easily push away someone that I knew couldn’t reciprocate.”

I look for somewhere to sit. I trade off which leg holds more weight because my ankles are sore. Plus, my heart and mind are egregiously heavy from each sentence I hear.

Derek watches me, before he stands aside. “Swollen ankles? Go, sit.”

I raise a brow, shocked he’s interrupted his speech to let me sit down.

Once I’ve sat on my bed, Derek joins me, sitting across from me. He keeps plenty of space, but I can see the pained look on his face. The sunlight is starting to come in through the apartment windows, so his features become bathed in golden light.

“Esme,” he whispers finally. “I bought you the necklace all those months ago as though it was a gift for your raise. In truth, it was the only way I felt I could show you my heart. Learning more and more about the real you has solidified my feelings.”

I bite my lip, feeling like all these things will lead to a painful twist in my stomach.

“I have commitment issues because of my marriage to Sadie. That has still sat at the forefront of my mind. But I’ve also grown so much these past months. Being around you, spending time with you, and hearing your wisdom and, at times, powerful positivity have opened up doors in me that I never even realized were closed. I can’t beat around the bush with you, Esme. You always know where I stand.”

I feel like crying. My emotions are running in every direction for this man.

I shudder a long, painful breath. “So, where does all of this lead us?” I whisper to him. My eyes dart to the bedspread below. “Are you telling me I’m not what you need?”

“Hey.” His voice is gentle, but it does bring my eyes back to him. He once again puts his hand under my chin, but then, takes my right cheek in his right hand. Warmth and a thick cloud of emotions move through me like a hurricane. “You are exactly what I need, Esme.”

I want to kiss him. I want to be held by his strong arms and feel his beating heart between our skin.

“I just need more time,” he adds on. “There is nothing I wouldn’t do for you. But as much as your heart matters to me, I must ensure my heart won’t be broken. I’ve fought these emotions for longer than you know. Losing you as even one of my closest friends and confidants would kill me.”

I want to argue with that point, but I can’t. I understand exactly what he’s saying.

“I don’t want to lose you, either.”

His genuine and soft smile return. “You are right, Esme. I’m a coward when it comes to my feelings for you. But I just can’t throw caution to the wind before I’m all in.”

I nod at my neighbor. There’s nothing I can add. There’s nothing I can say.

Derek leans in, plants a light and sweet kiss on my forehead. It feels like a dam has broken inside of me as he stands up, grabs his bat, and leaves me in my room.

I hear the front door close, knowing he’s locked it behind him.

I flop down on my back for the second time today to look at the ceiling.

“I’m a coward when it comes to my feelings for you.”

What do I do about this now? I’ve never seen my boss so vulnerable with me.

That makes me unsure of any possible steps toward a future that may include Derek.