Chapter 4 WHAT I HAVE BEEN MISSING

TASHA'S POV

I grabbed some cheese and a sandwich on the way back to class, though it took longer than it should have. I could've sworn under my breath at how slow my own legs were moving.

My heart still raced, my legs still jellylike, and I was trying hard to mask the fact that I was drawn to Jeremy. I knew it. I'd argued with him straight-faced not ten minutes ago, but heaven itself couldn't unwitness that closeness. 

The way his jaw had tightened when I got too near. The way his hands had gripped my wrists, careful even in anger, like some part of him was terrified of hurting me by accident.

Maybe. Or maybe not. Either way, I'd loved it. Strong, firm arms wrapped around something that felt like relief.

Once I was finally out of the classroom, I let myself breathe. My face was probably still red.

I'd spent two lifetimes looking past Jeremy Walker, and somehow it had taken dying once to actually see him. The warmth of his chest under my palms when I'd hugged him. 

The firm line of muscle beneath that hoodie he always hid in. His lips, God, I'd kissed him in front of the entire school and still hadn't let myself really feel it, too busy proving a point to Roman, to Elsa, to everyone watching.

What had I been doing for fifteen years, looking the other way?

I shook my head hard, trying to knock the thought loose before it embarrassed me further, and pushed open the classroom door.

It was empty. Almost.

Roman sat at his desk, arms crossed, watching the door like he'd been waiting for it to open since the second I'd walked out on him in the hallway.

Of course he was here. He never could let anything go.

I didn't say a word. I walked past him, dropped into my seat beside Jeremy's empty desk, and pulled out my notebook like he wasn't even in the room.

"You're not even going to apologize?"

"For what."

"For humiliating me in front of the entire school." His chair creaked as he leaned forward. "You owe me an apology, Tasha."

I almost laughed.

"I owe you," I said, finally lifting my eyes to his, "nothing."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me." I set my pen down with deliberate calm. "I don't owe you anything for breathing the same air as you, Roman. That ship sailed the day you decided we don't know each other. Your words. Not mine."

His face darkened. "Don't twist this. You're doing all of this just to spite me."

"Wow." I tilted my head, mock-impressed. "You really think everyone's as bored as you are. That's adorable."

"Watch your mouth."

"Or what?" I leaned back, unbothered. "You'll throw a tantrum? Cry to your mother? Tell me again how you'd never love me, oh wait, you already did that this morning. Keep up, Roman. You're repeating yourself."

He shot up so fast his chair scraped the floor. "You think this is funny."

"I think you're funny," I said sweetly. "Sit down before you embarrass yourself further."

"You're ungrateful…" He cut himself off, breathing hard through his nose, fists clenched. "I've done nothing but try to be civil with you, and this is how you repay me? Acting like a…”

"....bitch?" I stood, closing the distance between us. "Finish that sentence, Roman. I dare you."

I wasn't sure where the confidence came from, some kind of temper boiling under my skin that hadn't existed in me before.

"You're a joke," he spat. "Running around kissing that demon like it means something. You'll come crawling back the moment he gets bored of you, and I won't be there to catch you."

"Good." I picked up my bag. "I don't need catching anymore."

I turned to leave. Apparently the wrong move, the next sound was a chair slamming to the floor behind me, then the crash of a table flipping, books and pens scattering across the tile.

I didn't flinch. I didn't even turn around.

"Take one more step out that door," he said, voice shaking with a fury he couldn't disguise as control, "and I swear to God, Tasha, I will end everything between us."

I paused at the door, hand resting on the frame, and looked back at him over my shoulder. His chest heaved, a table overturned at his feet like a tantrum thrown by a child who'd never once heard the word no.

"There's nothing between us to end, Roman." I said it softly. Almost gently. "There hasn't been for a while. You just haven't noticed."

I walked out and let the door slam behind me, hard enough that I felt the sound in my ears.

My hands trembled by the time I made it outside, though not from fear. Something closer to disbelief. I had stood in front of him,  the man who once strapped other men to my body like a punishment, who'd laughed while I screamed and I hadn't broken.

Not even a little.

I needed air. I needed five minutes of not thinking, so I let my feet carry me toward the field, where the chant of boys running drills echoed across the grass.

Practice was in full swing. I spotted him instantly dark hair damp with sweat, sleeves shoved to his elbows as he drove the ball down the field with an ease that didn't match the quiet, broody boy who'd buried his face in a desk all morning.

I sat on the low concrete steps at the edge of the field, chin in my hand, and let myself just be still.

My mind replayed my past life like an old film reel. The sheet trembled between my fingers. Roman's laugh. Four sets of hands. Elsa's heels clicking closer. The acid burning through skin like it wanted to eat me alive. The bomb. The wires. Ten seconds left on the clock.

Was I really here? Was this real, or was I still strapped to that bed somewhere, dying, dreaming this whole second chance because my brain refused to let go?

"Tasha!"

"Fuck….. who…." I snapped back to reality so hard my own voice startled me.

I turned toward the sound and sighed, disappointment settling instantly.

"Elsa. What are you doing here?"

"You slut.”