Chapter 4 WHAT I HAVE BEEN MISSING

TASHA'S POV

Grabbing some cheese and sandwich on the way I walked back to the class. 

Argh ... .it took longer than it should so I could swore it. 

My heart still raced drastically and my legs jellylike. Still trying hard to mask the fact that I was drawn to Jeremy. 

I know ... .I know I had argued with him with a straight face but heaven can't un witness his presence.

The way his jaw had tightened when I got too close. The way his hands had gripped my wrist, careful even when he was angry, like some part of him was terrified of hurting me by accident.

Maybe ... .or maybe not but regardless ... .I loved it…such strong, firm abs. 

Finally got out of the classroom. I had taken a moment to breathe. My face would probably have turned red now.

I'd spent two lifetimes looking past Jeremy Walker, and somehow it had taken dying once to actually see him.

The warmth of his chest pressed against my palms when I'd hugged him. The firm line of muscle under that stupid hoodie he always hid in. 

His lips….. God, I'd kissed him in front of the entire school and I still hadn't let myself really feel it, too busy proving a point to Roman, to Elsa, to everyone watching.

What had I been doing for fifteen years, looking the other way?

Hell of a succulent peach lips.

I shook my head hard, trying to knock the thought loose before it embarrassed me further, and pushed open the classroom door.

It was empty. Almost.

Roman sat at his desk, arms crossed, watching the door like he'd been waiting for it to open since the moment I walked out on him in the hallway.

Of course he was here. He never could let anything go.

I didn't say a word. I walked past him, dropped into my seat beside Jeremy's empty desk, and pulled out my notebook like he wasn't even in the room.

"You're not even going to apologize?"

"For what." 

"For humiliating me in front of the entire school." His chair creaked as he leaned forward. "You owe me an apology, Tasha."

I almost laughed. 

"I owe you," finally lifting my eyes to his, "nothing."

"Excuse me?"

"You heard me." I set my pen down with deliberate calm. "I don't owe you an apology for breathing with your nostrils, Roman. That ship sailed the day you decided we don't know each other, remember? Your words. Not mine."

His face darkened. "Don't twist this. You're doing all of this just to spite me."

"Wow." I tilted my head, mock-impressed. "You really think everyone was just as jobless as you. That's adorable."

"Watch your mouth."

"Or what?" I leaned back in my chair, completely unbothered. "You'll throw a tantrum? Cry to your mommy? Tell me again how you'd never love me…. oh wait, you already did that this morning. Keep up, Roman, you're repeating yourself."

He shot up so fast his chair scraped against the floor. "You think this is funny."

"I think you're funny," I said sweetly. "Sit down before you embarrass yourself further."

"You ungrateful…" He cut himself off, breathing hard through his nose, fists clenched at his sides. "I have done nothing but try to be civil with you, and this is how you repay me? Acting like a…."

"...bitch?" I stood too, closing the distance between us. "Finish that sentence, Roman. I dare you."

I wasn't sure where that confidence came in, such a temper boiling in my body.

"You're a joke," he spat. "Running around kissing that demon like it means something. You'll come crawling back the moment he gets bored of you, and I won't be here to catch you."

"Good." I picked up my bag. "I don't need catching anymore."

I turned to leave. That was apparently the wrong move, because the next sound was a chair slamming into the floor behind me, then the crash of the table flipping, books and pens scattering across the tile.

I didn't flinch. I didn't even turn around.

"Take one more step out that door," he said, voice shaking with a fury he couldn't disguise as control, "and I swear to God, Tasha, I will end everything between us."

I paused at the door, hand resting on the frame, and looked back at him over my shoulder. His chest heaving, a table overturned at his feet like a tantrum thrown by a child who'd never once been told no.

"There's nothing between us to end, Roman." I said it softly. Almost gently. "There hasn't been for a while. You just haven't noticed."

I walked out and let the door slam shut behind me.

With a loud bang that even I felt a sharp pain in my ears. 

My hands were trembling by the time I made it outside, though not from fear. Something closer to disbelief. I had stood in front of him…..the man who once strapped men to my body like a punishment, who laughed while I screamed …..and I hadn't broken.

Not even a little.

I needed air. I needed to not think for five minutes, so I let my feet carry me toward the field, where the chant of boys running drills echoed across the grass.

Practice was in full swing. I spotted him instantly, dark hair damp with sweat, sleeves shoved up to his elbows as he drove the ball down the field with an ease that didn't match the quiet, broody boy who buried his face in a desk all morning.

I sat on the low concrete steps at the edge of the field and watched, my chin in my hand, and let myself just... be still.

My head replayed over and over my past life or future like a movie.

The sheet trembled between my fingers. Roman's laugh. Four sets of hands.

Elsa's heels clicking closer. The acid burning through skin like it wanted to eat me alive.

The bomb. The wires. The ten seconds left on the clock.

Was I really here? Was this real, or was I still strapped to that bed somewhere, dying, dreaming this whole second chance because my brain refused to let go?

"Tasha!!" 

“Fuck…who!?” I couldn't help but snap back to reality the moment I heard my voice so loud.

Turning to the voice I couldn't help but sigh in disappointment.

“Else what's you doing here?" 

“You slut,"