Chapter 62

As I stand with the Hayes brothers in our makeshift classroom for that week’s Nanny Lessons, I feel incredibly awkward. This is the absolute last place I want to be. I hoped to avoid the brothers as much as I could, possibly forever, but there is no avoiding this.

At least they all showed up, even if they don’t look particularly happy about it. I suppose, though, they never really seem happy to be here. They still show up. We are all committed for the good of Mia, so I can’t fault them for that.

I can fault them for everything else, though.

“So for today, I thought we should practice how to help calm Mia down when she gets upset,” I say, claiming the attention of the room.

Neil’s display when Mia began to wail gave me the idea. He held her so far away from him, like she was contagious, despite knowing that close contact is better when holding a baby.

“She shouldn’t be upset to start with,” Archer say. I get the feeling he is being obtuse on purpose.

“She is just a baby,” I tell him, biting back the more cutting remark that sits poised at the tip of my tongue. These are supposed to be lessons. I can’t let him veer me off track two minutes in. “Everything is new and scary to her. She will react accordingly.”

“A better nanny would make sure she wouldn’t cry,” Archer says.

“A nanny has nothing to do with it.” That isn’t entirely true, though I certainly can’t protect her from the entire universe, no matter how hard I try. “Perhaps if some people wouldn’t raise their voices so much.”

Archer’s eyes narrow. “If some people would listen, they wouldn’t need to be yelled at.”

“If some people weren’t so hard-headed and –”

“Can we please move forward with the lesson?” Neil rubs at his temples.

“No, no. Let them keep going,” Beau says. “I’m enjoying the show.”

I force myself to take a deep breath. They are all purposefully trying to goad me. I know this. I am better than this.

“Babies will get upset – regardless of the reason.” I hold my hand up, stopping Archer before he can begin. “It’s important to know how to calm them down.” I glance at Neil. “Holding them as far away from you as possible is not a sound strategy.”

Neil doesn’t reply, though his jaw clenches. At least he can recognize when he’s done wrong.

“If the baby is crying, the correct move is to hand it to the Nanny,” Beau says.

“I won’t always be here.” Like in two months.

“Someone else, then,” Beau says with a shrug. The cutting remark hurts more than it should, slicing right into me, especially when Archer huffs a laugh.

Realistically, I know they will replace me. They’ll have to because I’ll be long gone, focusing on pursuing my dreams. But the thought that I would be so easily replaced fills me with a kind of sadness. It’s a weakness, giving a shit about any of this, and I hate it. But I still feel it.

I’m such a goddamn sap.

“That someone else might not always be around either.” When they don’t immediately argue that point, I move toward the playpen and lift Mia up into my arms.

“This lesson is pointless,” Archer says.

“I don’t know Arch,” Beau laughs. “This is the one place we should actually listen to the Nanny, since this is what she was made for.”

“Beau,” Neil says, scolding.

“Tell me I’m wrong, Neil.”

Neil doesn’t. That hurts too.

I press on like it hadn’t. What else could I do? “When Mia begins to get fussy…”

I continue the lesson, showing the correct way to hold and rock Mia. Eventually, she falls asleep in my arms.

“You should take turns trying to rock her,” I say, speaking softer now. Mia doesn’t like raised voices. “See if you can keep her asleep.”

I move toward Archer first, since he has been the most combative for the entire lesson and therefore likely wants to leave first. I would have no problem with him leaving after his attempt here.

But he looks at Mia and then up to me and says, “No.”

Simple. Definite.

Infuriating.

“I know you care about Mia,” I say. “Do this for her. Try it.”

He looks at Mia again, and his eyes soften. Yet just when I think he might cave, he moves away from me, and storms out of the room.

Beau laughs. “Guess that means the lesson is over for today.”

“Now, wait –”

Beau waves on his way out. “Do a better job next time, Nanny.”

“Guys, wait,” Steven says, but he’s not very assertive about it. When he looks at me, he seems a bit helpless. “Chloe…”

“It’s okay,” I tell him, even though it isn’t. Not by far.

Beau and Archer have undermined me and belittled me, and I let them make me feel like less than dirt.

Steven looks at me like he doesn’t know what to do or say. I don’t know what I even want him to do.

“Just, go,” I finally decide.

He nods, gives me an apologetic glance, and exits the room.

This leaves only one man standing: Neil. The person who probably needs the lesson the most.

Slowly, I approach him. He’s the oldest, I reason. He should have the most sense. That hasn’t always been the case with him, he can be just as pig-headed as his brothers. But I’m hoping, for Mia’s sake, he’ll be willing to try.

“Will you hold her?” I ask.

He nods and holds out his arms. He knows how to properly hold her by now, I’ve showed him enough, but he still moves slowly, as if scared of waking her.

The transition takes a long moment, but eventually, I pass the baby over to him without waking her. Mia settles in nicely, curling up against Neil’s chest.

“Now, rock her like I showed you,” I say. “Gently.”

He does as he’s told, and Mia relaxes even further. She’s totally conked out.

“Congratulations,” I tell him. I can’t help smiling, seeing how well he’s doing. “You are rocking her to sleep.”

Neil’s smile is tender, softer than maybe I’ve ever seen. He’s watching Mia with curious, adoring eyes. She’s tiny in his big strong arms, but he’s cradling her like she is the fragile little being she is. He sees her as a treasure, to treat her like this.

Watching Neil makes my wounded heart melt just a little. He’s totally charmed by Mia, and Mia clearly adores him as well. It’s special and it’s perfect, and I can’t help but look at Neil differently than I had before.

He’s a caretaker. A provider and a protector. He carries a lot of weight on those wide shoulders, but he holds it so well. He’s still a Hayes, but maybe he’s so much more.

At least, he can be, if he tries.

Neil glances up at me. His eyes go wide a moment, and he moves slightly. I don’t know what he sees in me but it startles him.

Mia notices. She begins to fuss.

Neil looks down at her, panicked.

“It’s okay,” I say, soothing. “Continue to rock her, just as you’ve been doing.”

He tries. I know he does. But it’s not enough. Mia gets more and more upset. Tears fill her eyes.

Neil shifts her in his hold, until he’s pulling her away from him again, much like he did before.

“Neil, wait –”

“I can’t.” He holds Mia out for me. I quickly take her to soothe her myself.

He was doing so well! What could have changed in him?

Mia cries against my chest. Her tears dampen my shirt.

Neil looks at that damp spot like it has personally offended him.

Then he turns and leaves the room.