Chapter 79

Angela has basically blown my mind and I’m totally speechless. There’s no way that she’s trying to tell me I could go after Neil if I want, but the way she’s talking, clarifying how little they do with each other romantically, I’m not sure how else to interpret it.

“He’s a good man,” Angela says. “He’s been through some shit, and sometimes he can be a bit too much. But he means well.”

Now I’m even more confused. This sounds a lot like she’s pitching her boyfriend to me.

And yeah, I mean, I know she’s screwing around with Beau and that she doesn’t actually love Neil, but this is just too weird. Is this how rich people live? They just trade around guys and girls and fuck each other?

“So you can understand what I’m trying to tell you?” Angela asks. She looks so earnest, all bright eyed and eager.

I don’t understand at all. I want her to clarify. But also I’m kind of afraid to know the answer.

Besides, it’s not like it matters any. Neil has made clear where I rank. I’m beneath him. I’m a subordinate. I’m off-limits.

My fantasies about Neil are just that. I don’t have a clue what he’d actually be like in bed. And I shouldn’t think about it! Since it is impossible! Since I am off-limits!

Angela’s waiting for an answer. I don’t know what to say, so I just say, “Okay.”

“Good.” Angela reaches out and touches my wrist. She gives me a kind smile, and if I had any clue what the hell she is talking about, it might have been a nice moment. As it is, I am confused as fuck.

Angela’s very nice and she doesn’t press. We deposit my money back into the bank and the topic doesn’t come back up again.

At least, not between Angela and I.

Me personally? I can’t stop thinking about it.

Like right now, when I’m standing in Neil’s room trying to teach him once more to hold Mia gently enough for her to fall asleep.

He’s getting better, cradling the head. He even has the gentle rocking down. She’s fussing some but not near as much as before.

“I’m doing it,” he says, and he’s proud of himself.

I should praise him, I guess, but I just feel weird. Should I praise him? Is that appropriate? Is he expecting me to make a move? Is Angela?

Or maybe praising would be too much? Despite what Angela might have said, Neil made his opinion of me clear when he had talked to Archer. I should just stay quiet, right?

Or should I be myself? What even is myself anymore?

I’m so deep in my own head that I’m totally lost. Neil can tell, probably because I’m quiet and likely making a slew of strange facial expressions.

He gives me a weird look. “Did you hit your head or something?”

“I just have a lot on my mind, I guess.”

“Well, focus,” Neil says, like it’s as simple as that.

“Right.” Maybe it is that simple. I’ll try.

Neil’s annoyed with me. His mouth twitches and his arms go stiff. Mia notices and starts to shift uncomfortably. Neil’s eyes go wide. He’s definitely panicking.

“Here,” I say, holding out my arms. “Give her to me. I’ll calm her down and you can try again.”

Neil watches me. “Are you focused?”

“Yes, I’m focused.”

Assured, Neil gently passes me the baby.

I do focus, as promised, cradling her in my arms until she gently falls back asleep. I continue to rock her and coo at her. Then I lean in close and nuzzle her a bit.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

“What do you mean? These are all things I’ve shown you.”

“Not that.”

“Oh. Babies like closeness. And she’s so cute, sometimes I can’t resist pressing my cheek to her.”

Neil hums, and it doesn’t sound pleased. “You’re close with Mia.”

I shrug. Yeah, that’s true. “I am her Nanny.”

“You don’t act this… tenderly with anyone else.”

“No. Of course not.”

The look on his face confuses me. Gods, I’m having a day. Did everyone get together behind my back and decide to have a confuse the hell out of Chloe day?

I must be out of my mind but I swear he looks… jealous?

“You don’t show this level of kindness with anyone else,” he says. “Not with me, and not with my brothers.”

That comment irks me straight down through my skin into my nerves. When have they ever deserved kindness from me?

“Maybe if I received one iota of kindness from you or any of your brothers, you would receive kindness from me in return.”

“I’ve been kind.”

“You’ve tolerated me, when it’s convenient. That’s not the same as being kind.”

“No, I have been kind.”

I look at him.

“You know I have,” he says.

I continue to look.

“Chloe.”

“Name one time,” I say.

He crosses his arms and huffs out a breath. “I made alterations to the schedule.”

“That was a compromise, not a kindness!”

“That’s the same damn thing!”

“No, it isn’t! A compromise is when you still get something. A kindness is when you do something without expecting anything in return!”

“Everyone always expects something in return!”

“No, they don’t!”

Our voices raised, we’ve come nose to nose. He’s taller than me, has to peer down. Our chests our heaving.

Gods, he’s so hot when he’s unfettered, like he’s a tiny bit crazed.

But the baby in my arms doesn’t take so kindly to our raised voices and starts to fuss.

We both look down. Regret fills my gut.

I don’t want to deal with him right now. I don’t want to deal with any of this.

“I need some space for a while. I got to clear my head.” I am all over the place. At this point, I am a menace to myself and others. “Can you watch her for a minute?”

He looks at Mia and then at me. He holds out his arms. Gently, I place Mia into them.

He holds her like a taught him and rocks her back and forth. He only cringes a little as she rubs her nose against his shirt.

Maybe he thinks this is a kindness. Maybe it is? I don’t know. I just have to get away.

I can’t think when I’m around the brothers. So I turn, and I run. And I don’t stop until I’m locked into a bathroom and splashing cold water on my face.

What. Is. Wrong. With. Me.

I want to blame Angela, for putting thoughts of actually attaining Neil into my brain. But that’s not fair. Truth is, I’ve been fantasizing about Neil since before she gave the green light.

Every time he loses control makes me want to jump him, or fall to my knees, or let him do whatever he wants.

When did I get to be such an absolute slut? But for him and Archer, there’s no denying it. If either one of them gives me as much as a look, I’m most likely to just drop my panties and beg.

Archer likes to be called Daddy. Don’t you want to be good for Daddy? I do. Oh, Gods, I do, the bastard.

What does Neil like? Is he into the BDSM too? I really need to purchase those books Debbie recommended. I don’t know enough about it to even guess.

Those hands though. And that body. If I could feel it pressed up against me…

No!

I hit my face with more cold water. I’ll stay here all night if that’s what it takes to calm my out of control libido!

I cannot and will not fall in love or in bed with any of these brothers. That must be my vow!

I look in the mirror and call myself a liar.