Chapter 3 Complicated Feelings

I woke up thinking about Chase Hendricks, which was so annoying because I'd spent most of Friday night telling myself not to.

I poured cereal and poured too much sugar in it. Ate standing at the counter while staring at the cabinet above the sink and replaying Thursday in my head—the hallway, Tyler, the way Chase had just crouched down next to me without making it weird.

What he said was bullshit. I shook my head and ate another spoonful.

My phone buzzed.

Priya: why did you look weird in my dream last night? like you were hiding something

Priya: are you hiding something zara

Priya had been my best friend since eighth grade, when she'd leaned over during English class and whispered, "this book is terrible" about something the whole class was pretending to love. She was also dangerously perceptive, and I wasn't ready for her at eight in the morning.

Me: I'm not hiding anything go back to sleep

Priya: its 8am im not sleeping

Priya: also you took too long to reply which means you ARE hiding something

Priya: who is he

I put my phone face down on the counter.

It buzzed four more times.

I finished my cereal.

Karen texted me at eleven asking if I could come in at noon instead of four. Micah had a playdate that fell through and she needed coverage.

I showed up at eleven fifty-eight.

Micah opened the door before I could knock, still in his pajamas.

"You're early," he said.

"You're in pajamas."

He looked down at himself like he'd just noticed. "These are my day pajamas."

"That's not a thing."

"It is. In this house."

Karen appeared behind him, car keys in one hand, purse in the other. She had the same brown eyes as Chase and the kind of face that made you feel comfortable immediately—soft around the edges, warm.

"Lunch is in the fridge," she said, already halfway out the door. "Micah knows the rules. Chase should be back by three." She kissed the top of Micah's head. "Behave."

"I always behave."

She gave him a look that said they both knew that was a lie, then she was gone.

Micah grabbed my hand. "Want to see something cool?"

The something cool was a fort in his room.

And it was actually impressive—blankets stretched over chair cushions, three flashlights positioned like stage lights, a cereal box repurposed as a side table. There was a sign taped to the entrance in green crayon: NO GROWN UPS. Below it, a drawing of what was either a monster or a very angry person.

"I built it yesterday," Micah said, crawling inside.

I crouched down to look. "Micah. This is incredible."

"I know." He settled into the cushions, looking proud. "Chase helped me with the roof part. But the design was all me."

Something in my chest did a small, stupid flip at the mention of Chase helping build a blanket fort.

I crawled in after him.

It was cramped and smelled like stale Goldfish crackers, but the flashlights gave it this warm, glowing feeling. Like being inside a secret.

"This is where I go when I need to think," Micah said seriously.

"What do you think about?"

"Stuff." He pulled a notebook out from under one of the cushions and opened it. Inside were drawings—spaceships, dinosaurs, a very detailed rendering of what I assumed was supposed to be a dragon. "I'm making a comic book."

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It's about a kid who finds a portal in his closet and goes to another dimension where everyone has superpowers except him, so he has to use his brain instead."

I looked at him. "That's actually a really good idea."

"I know," he said again. Then, "Do you like my brother?"

I blinked. "What?"

"Chase. Do you like him?"

"I—" I didn't know what to say to that. "He's... nice."

Micah made a face like that was the most boring answer I could've given. "He talks about you sometimes."

My heart did something complicated. "He does?"

"Yeah. He said you're smart." Micah turned a page in his notebook. "And that you don't take crap from people."

"He said crap?"

"He said a worse word. But I'm not supposed to repeat it."

I laughed. I couldn't help it.

Micah grinned. "You should come over more. Not just for babysitting. Like, to hang out."

"With you or with Chase?"

"Both." He shrugged. "Chase doesn't have a lot of friends. I mean, he has Devon and those guys, but he doesn't really like them. Not the way he likes—" He stopped. Looked at me. "Never mind."

"Micah."

"I'm not supposed to say."

"Say what?"

But he just shook his head and went back to his comic book, and I sat there in the glow of three flashlights wondering what the hell that meant.

We played in the fort for another hour—Micah narrating his comic book while I drew accompanying illustrations that were significantly worse than his. Then we had lunch. Then he wanted to watch a movie, so we set up on the couch with popcorn and put on something animated about talking animals.

I was halfway through the movie, Micah leaning against my shoulder and nearly asleep, when I heard the front door open.

I looked up.

Chase walked in carrying a gym bag, hair damp with sweat, wearing basketball shorts and a t-shirt that clung to his shoulders in a way that should've been illegal.

He stopped when he saw us.

"Hey," he said.

"Hey." I tried to sound normal. Like my heart wasn't doing something stupid in my chest.

Micah lifted his head. "You're back early."

"Practice got cancelled." Chase dropped his bag by the door and walked into the living room. "What are you watching?"

"Talking animals," I said.

"Classic." He sat down on the other end of the couch, leaving a careful amount of space between us. "How was he?"

"Good. We built a comic book."

"You mean he built a comic book and forced you to draw."

"Basically."

Micah was fully awake now, sitting up. "Chase, can Zara stay for dinner?"

"Micah—"

"Please?"

Chase looked at me. "Do you want to?"

I should've said no. I should've said I had homework or plans or literally anything else.

Instead I said, "Sure."

Dinner was pizza.

Chase ordered it while I helped Micah clean up the fort, and by the time it arrived, the three of us were sitting around the kitchen table like this was normal. Like I hadn't spent the last two days trying not to think about Chase and failing spectacularly.

"So," Chase said, handing me a slice. "Micah told me about the comic book."

"He's very talented."

"He's a menace."

"I'm right here," Micah said.

"I know." Chase ruffled his hair. "Eat your pizza."

We ate in comfortable silence for a few minutes. Then Micah said, "Zara, do you have a boyfriend?"

I choked on my pizza.

Chase looked up sharply. "Micah."

"What? I'm just asking."

"That's a weird thing to ask."

"You asked Devon if he had a girlfriend last week."

"That's different."

"How?"

"It just is." Chase's ears were turning red. "Eat your pizza."

I took a drink of water, trying not to laugh. "It's fine. And no, I don't have a boyfriend."

Micah looked satisfied. "Good."

"Why is that good?" I asked.

But he just shrugged and took another bite, and when I looked at Chase, he was very deliberately not looking at me.

After dinner, Micah wanted to show Chase the improvements we'd made to the fort. I started cleaning up the pizza boxes, but Chase stopped me.

"I've got it," he said. "You don't have to."

"I'm literally here to help."

"You're off the clock. Technically you've been off the clock since my mom left."

"So why am I still here?"

The question hung in the air between us.

Chase looked at me and for a second, something passed over his face—something careful and uncertain and maybe a little bit hopeful.

"I don't know," he said quietly. "Why are you?"

I didn't have an answer for that.

Or maybe I did, and I just wasn't ready to say it out loud.

Upstairs, Micah yelled something about needing assistance with structural integrity. Chase's mouth twitched.

"I should—go"

"Yeah. Go."

He headed for the stairs, then stopped and turned back. "You can stay. If you want. We're probably going to watch another movie or something."

"Okay," I said.

"Okay."

He went upstairs.

I stood in the kitchen of a house that wasn't mine, holding a pizza box, and thought about the way Chase had looked at me.

Like maybe I wasn't just the babysitter. Maybe I was something else entirely.

My phone buzzed.

Priya: You're still hiding something

Priya: I can feel it

I looked at the message for a long time.

Then I typed: maybe

And hit send before I changed my mind.