Chapter 180

My heart sinks at the thought of it, of Jackson seeing…that.

Because he’s not wrong – last night was incredibly important for Luca and I. Our bond now – it’s deeper than it was before, stronger and more significant. And he’s not wrong – Luca and I presented our relationship to the nation last night – to the world. And even though I have no idea what it looked like from an outsider’s standpoint or on television…

I do know that we came across as a strong couple, dedicated and powerful. A perfect match. How could we have presented as anything else, when so much of that is the truth?

But still…while the rest of the nation may have celebrated that – their champion paired up with their Princess – how did it look to Jacks?

“Tell me,” I murmur, leaning close and reaching for his face, cupping his cheek in my palm. Jackson leans into it, closing his eyes as he speaks.

“I went to the restaurant, like I said, with the guys I used to live with. It was…fine. It was good to see them, I guess.”

I smile a little, because Jackson has friends – friends outside of me and my family, even if he didn’t know to count them as such. He cracks his eyes open and laughs a little, shaking his head at me. “Would you come down here?” he murmurs, tugging me close again and turning so that we’re face-to-face again. “It’s harder to tell when you’re looming over me like an owl.”

“Yes, fine, I’ll look up at you like an adoring little mouse,” I murmur, pleased that he wants to be more casual about it. Because if he’s more casual, it means he’s not devastated. Right?

“Okay, little mouse,” he murmurs, pressing a kiss to my forehead before continuing on. “The whole thing was…fine, for a while. The television showed some screen shots and concentrated on you and your family for a bit – and I liked that.”

“You did?” I ask, smiling a little.

“Sure,” he says, nodding. “I knew the people on the TV. The guys I was with knew I’d been at the Academy, asked if I knew Rafe and Jesse. I said…a little bit.”

I burst out laughing at the understatement here, considering that he’s now basically part of the family.

“It felt like I had a secret,” Jackson murmurs, still smiling a little. But that fades away when he moves on. “It was…harder. When Luca came out. And then he pointed to you in the crowd, and kissed his glove and held it out to you? And you…smiled like that?”

Jackson exhales all in a woosh, and my stomach sinks with guilt. I’m devastated, suddenly, to have put him through that.

God, what was I thinking? He told me he’d be watching –

“Don’t,” Jackson murmurs, and my eyes flick back to him. I frown a little – I hadn’t even realized that I’d looked away. Softly, he strokes my face. “Don’t feel guilty, Ariel. That’s not…I’m not trying to make you feel bad.”

“I know,” I whisper, nodding. “And you should be able to tell me your experiences without worrying about how they make me feel.”

He smirks at me, still stroking my cheek. “It’s going to be hard sometimes. But I don’t…want to keep anything back. I want to tell you the truth, all the time. Is that okay?”

I nod, meaning it, even if it means that it will hurt sometimes. Somehow, it feels the only way through. “Keep going,” I whisper.

“The end was…really hard,” Jackson says. “The whole bar was on its feet, shouting at the TV, and even the restaurant patrons came over to watch. When Luca went down, I didn’t think they could scream any louder. But when you jumped out of the stands? God, the room exploded with cheers, and I thought I was never going to breathe again. The way you pounded on the mat? And called his name? And then he responded, and got up, and won, and it was clearly all because of you?”

Jackson exhales again and rolls away from me for a moment, covering his face briefly with his hand.

“Jacks,” I say, even though…well, there’s no meaning behind it. I slip my hand out, placing it solidly on his chest, wanting him to feel the corporeal reality of me right now.

Because I’m here. Right here. With him.

He feels the emotions behind my thoughts and turns his head back to me, nodding. “When you’re here, Ariel? With me, and I can hold you and look at you? Everything feels different – makes sense, feels possible. It’s only when I see you with him – see…well, see how much you love him…”

I press my lips together and keep my gaze on his face, not letting myself look away. But also not denying, at all, the way that Luca and I feel about each other. Because I don’t want to lie and Luca is…so important to me.

“So what do we do?” I whisper, desperate to make it better. I can’t go on with Jacks feeling like this – I don’t want to make him feel like this ever, ever again.

“I think…maybe I just don’t need to put myself in positions where I see it?” Jacks says, tentative.

“What do you mean?” I whisper.

“I mean,” he shrugs, “I…think I want boundaries. You have your space with Luca, and your space with me, and…I think I’d like to know as little about the details about the time you spend with Luca as possible. I mean, within reason,” he continues, giving a little frown. “It’s not like I won’t ever be in the same room with you two again, and hugging and holding hands seems…fine. I just…”

He exhales again, deeply, and looks up at the ceiling.

“Tell me,” I urge, wanting to know.

“I really…kind of wanted to kill him,” Jackson whispers, and I can hear the guilt in the words as he utters them. “And even though I knew that feeling was wrong, and that I’d never do it, and that it would only hurt you…” he turns his head back to me. “It was a visceral, bodily reaction to seeing someone connect with my mate, I think. I don’t…like feeling that way.”

“Okay,” I say, nodding quietly, understanding. “I…um. I don’t know how to work that out, precisely. But I will, all right? More boundaries. I promise. I’m sorry, Jacks.”

“Don’t be sorry, please,” he begs, rolling back towards me and taking me in his arms just the way I like him to. “None of it is your fault. You’re just…living the life you were handed, Ariel. You can’t feel guilty about that.” And then he wraps me up so safe, so secure, and tucks his head down against my shoulder as my heart breaks that he felt that way.

I comb my fingers gently through Jackson’s hair then, humming softly to him, pulling up feelings of comfort and softness and assurance and passing them all down our fully open bond, hoping they help him relax.

“It got a lot better,” he murmurs, his words muffled by his head still tucked down by my shoulder. “When you came and knocked on my door.”

I laugh a little. “Oh, yeah?” He presses a kiss to that spot on my neck before he lifts his head to smile at me.

“Yes,” he says, nodding. “I was…going a little crazy, wondering what you were getting up to with him all night. Partying, and having fun, and…dancing and stuff. All things I can’t do.”

I laugh a little harder now, shaking my head at him. “You can party, Jacks, everyone can party with as much liquor as we had. And I’m sure you’re an excellent dancer.”

He scoffs at me, lowering his head again and kissing that same spot like it’s his, like he owns it. “I’ve never danced a single step in my life, Ariel.”

“Yeah, but if you tried,” I say, a tingling starting in my core as Jackson keeps going, continuing to press kisses to my skin all the way to the edge of my shoulder, and then moving down. “I’m sure you’d be great at it.”

He flicks his eyes up at me for a moment before continuing to trail kisses back towards my throat, and then lower. “What makes you think that?”

“Because,” I say, my voice a little breathier now, even as I smile and drift my fingers through his silky dark hair. “I’ve seen you move, Jacks, you’re incredibly good at controlling your body. I’m sure you’d figure out rhythm in an instant.”

He hums consideringly, but like he doesn’t believe it, and my breath comes a little faster as he presses kiss after kiss down the center of my chest, and then down my stomach.

And then I can’t stand it – not any more – my mouth jealous of every other piece of me that’s getting attention when it is not. I sit up sharply, grabbing his shoulders, pulling him back up towards me. “Please,” I beg, leaning back, pulling him with me.