Chapter 197

Despite the rather dramatic way in which Jackson carried me to his room, about half an hour later the vibe is very different – calm, easy and simple, honestly like we do this every night. I’m freshly showered and dressed in another ridiculously large set of his pajamas as he comes out of the bathroom in his own set of pajama pants, towel-drying his hair.

I grin, delighted, when I see that our pajamas match.

Jackson just raises his head and smiles at me, glad to feel my happiness down the bond, not really needing to know the reason. Just…happy I’m happy.

“You come here,” I murmur, opening my arms as I lean back against the headboard. To my distinct pleasure, my mate obeys, neatly draping his towel over his desk chair and crawling onto the bed, turning so that his back is to me and I can wrap my arms around him from behind.

I take a long, deep sniff of his delicious scent, clean and fresh now after the shower. “You smell amazing,” I murmur, a little drunk on it.

“So do you. I know everyone teased about it today, but I think your scent improves with a little of mine thrown in the mix.

I hum my approval, kind of wishing I could smell it, thinking that it’s a shame that one can’t smell their own scent. I’d like to know what it was like – honey, and clove, and pine, and ember. It sounds…nice.

“It is nice,” he murmurs, nodding. I smile. And then Jackson leans more of his weight back against me and lets me feel – a little – how tired he is. But still, tired as he is, he takes a minute to check in.

“Are you all right?” he asks. “I feel…you’re unsettled. Or something.”

I smirk a little. “It’s been an unsettling day,” I murmur, tracing my nails lightly, passively, over his skin. He shivers a little and hums, giving me time to find my words. “I guess I felt…a little stupid tonight.”

“Stupid?” he asks, going still and turning a bit sharply to look up at me. “What? Why?”

I grin at him, pleased slightly that he’s angry even at the idea that I’d ever feel stupid. “Well, all of you were really in on the planning – you, and Rafe, and Jesse, and Ben, and Luca, when he could lift his head up. But especially you and Rafe. I…didn’t have anything to add. I felt…well, kind of left out, and like I was not as good at being a Cadet as you all.”

“But you’re espionage,” he replies, frowning at me as I start to run my fingers through his damp hair, my nails scratching gently against his scalp. “Ariel, this is what we’re trained for. I know that sometimes Warrior cadets get marked as brutes who just run around all day, but we do a lot of studying too. Not as much as you, granted, but we read military theory and study strategy for a reason. Plus, I’ve been studying military history since I was a child – I was literally raised for this.”

I frown a little, Jackson’s words having – I think – the opposite effect. “Well, I want to learn all of that too,” I say, feeling left out. “I want to be…helpful. And not just know a bunch of chemistry and poisoning stuff.”

“Ariel,” he growls, shaking his head at me, and I grin at his frustration. “Do you distrust Neumann?”

“What?” I frown at him. “No, absolutely not.”

“Do you think he’s easy on you? That he gives you less work than the rest of us?”

I guffaw at him a bit at the understatement, because I work way harder at my studies than anyone in our little group – and I let Jesse and Rafe put me through my athletic paces. If he were actually accusing me of taking it easy in the Academy then I’d truly give Jackson a real piece of my mind. But, I’m aware that his question is rhetorical.

“Exactly,” Jackson says, nodding solidly as he holds my gaze. “Trust your course, Ariel. An effective military needs people with many branches of expertise. Neumann is requiring you to learn your stuff because that’s what he believes you need to know – not military strategy like the rest of us. He will turn you into the spy this nation needs.”

“Fine,” I sigh, resting my cheek down against his head as he turns his face away from mine, respecting his logic and deciding to just trust the process, as he suggests.

“What about you? You okay?” I whisper, genuinely wanting to know. “Are you like…afraid? Of what’s to come?”

“Afraid?” he muses, truly considering it. But then he shakes his head. “No. I’ve been preparing for war my whole life, Ari. It feels…inevitable. Like this was always coming.”

“That’s not a reason to not feel afraid,” I whisper, my mind wandering as I tighten my arms around him.

“Are you afraid?” he asks, raising a hand to rub slowly over my forearm, up and down, a soft, comforting motion.

“Yes,” I whisper, knowing it’s no good to lie. Our bond is open again, like it was last night, and he can feel all of my emotions as I have them. “I’m afraid…of losing people. You, my family, my friends. Luca. I…don’t think I’m ready for this.”

“We won’t let that happen,” he murmurs, warm and utterly assured.

“You can’t promise that,” I whisper. Not doubting him just…knowing that it’s impossible.

Jackson takes a long moment to respond.

“What?” I prompt.

He takes another few seconds to gather his thoughts, and when he speaks, I listen quite closely.

“I’m not particularly religious, Ariel,” he says, soft. “I mean, we know that the gods are real – you yourself, bizarrely enough, are proof enough of that. But in general I don’t think they care too much about the majority of mortal lives – and I never thought they cared about mine. But after all of this? Of finding you in one of the darkest moments in my life, and then coming here, and finding myself in a war council with the King and all of his advisors?”

Jackson shakes his dark head and I consider him carefully, seeing the situation anew from his eyes.

“It just feels…bigger, Ariel. And it all feels very possible. And I don’t think that…that she would have brought all this together if there wasn’t some bigger purpose.”

“Well, what if that bigger purpose is to win the war?” I whisper, tightening my arms around him, my fear welling up in me again. “And what if the price of that win is…us? Some of us, all of us? A sacrifice, to save the lives and freedoms of many?”

Jackson is still for a moment, but then he turns so that he faces me, slipping an arm around me, raising his other hand to cup my cheek. “No,” he murmurs, quite simply, looking seriously into my eyes. “Goddess plans or not…we’re living through this, Ariel. I just got you. I’m keeping you, and you’re keeping me.” He shrugs, like that’s the end of it.

I grin, and decide to believe him, because…well. What’s the point, if you don’t have faith, and something to fight for?

And Jackson…he’s worth fighting for.

So I lean forward, and kiss my mate, and let him wrap me up tight in his arms. A short while later I fall asleep that way too, with Jackson curled up around me, happy and safe and perfectly content.