Chapter 358

I gasp, pain flaring in my neck, my wolf howling and scrambling away in my soul as I put my hands on Luca’s chest and shove him away, hard.

He gasps too, his eyes flying wide as he falls to the side and I pull myself from beneath him, huddling up against the headboard and staring at him, my hand slapped to my bleeding neck where –

Where he marked me –

“Ariel,” he whispers, panting, staring at me in utter shock and fear. “What – what’s wrong?!”

“Luca!” I gasp, tears springing to my eyes – half betrayal and half pain. “Why – why did you do that!?”

“What are you talking about,” he breathes, leaning closer to me, horrified. “Ariel, I’m so sorry – did I do it wrong?” He reaches for where my hand is still pressed too my neck, where I can feel blood slipping from between my fingers.

“You weren’t supposed to do it at all!” I cry out, tears starting to streak down my cheeks as I stare at him, shaking my head. “I didn’t – I wasn’t ready, Luca!”

“Wh-what?” he whispers, scootching closer, still reaching for me, clearly desperately upset to see me reacting like this. “Ariel, I’m sorry, I didn’t know – obviously, I’ve never done this before – was I supposed to wait? I’m sorry, you’re right, I should have waited until towards the end – I didn’t know it would hurt that much –“

“No, Luca!” I sob, shaking my head at him, anger welling in me now too. “I wasn’t ready for the mark at all! I didn’t – I didn’t want it today –“

My wolf howls, anxiously darting back and forth, shaking with her pain and anxiety, throwing herself down to the ground and rolling around like she can get the scent off of her. Luca’s wolf just stands by, perfectly still, watching her in horror.

The scent – the new scent – my changed scent, so it’s mixed with Luca’s now –

Oh, god, everyone will know. I hang my head and begin to sob.

“What…what are you talking about, Ariel?” Luca asks, his voice harder. I raise my eyes and see his face ghostly pale. “You didn’t want my mark?”

“Luca, I love you,” I say, shaking my head, willing him to understand. “But I wasn’t ready for this – the consequences –“

“Are you talking about him?” He bites out, angry now.

My mouth turns down in a desperate frown as I shake my head and look up into his eyes. Because yes, yes of course it’s about him – of course Jackson is at the front of my mind right now –

How betrayed he’s going to feel, how desperately jealous and sad and broken by this –

But there are other things at stake right now – my heart, for one.

“We weren’t there yet, Luca,” I say, snappier than I mean to be, shaking my head at him. “We’re not connected enough – our wolves barely know each other –“

“Then why did we have sex!?” he bursts out, throwing his hands to the side.

“Because we wanted to!” I yell in return, tears still streaming down my cheeks. “Because I wanted to be with you, Luca – I wanted to feel good, and wanted you to feel good, and wanted to get closer! But it doesn’t mean I was ready to be marked!”

“No, Ariel,” he snarls, glaring at me and leaning closer. “That wasn’t the deal and you know it.”

I stare at him, a little shocked, forgetting to breathe. “What deal?”

“The deal we all struck! The fucking – sex pact, or whatever!” he shouts, throwing his hands again to the side, completely losing his temper. “In fucking Jackson’s bedroom the night after my big fight!”

I just stare at him for a moment because honestly – honestly I forgot about that in the past few hours that I’ve been in Luca’s room. But even if I remember it now I don’t remember any deal being part of it. What the hell is he talking about?

“Remember?” he says, leaning forward and staring at me, his voice slightly condescending and making my hackles rise. “We said no sex with either of your mates to avoid the possibility of one marking you!”

“So!?” I say, leaning forward in turn and matching his tone, my hand still clamped to the wound on my neck.

“So – so we had sex!” Luca shouts, baffled and freaked out and afraid. “So – you picked me! You picked me, Ariel! I gave you my mark because you picked me!”

I go perfectly still as I stare at Luca, my mouth slightly open.

Because that…that is not at all what happened.

I mean, we just had sex – we had a horrible few days, and had a bunch to drink, and we took refuge in each other –

And I love Luca desperately, but I did not choose him.

“Luca,” I say, quite slow, “I did not pick you. I am not rejecting Jackson. We just had sex –“

“It’s the same thing!” he roars, staring at me like I’m insane, or that he might be going insane, or that the world itself is broken and horrible and he’s somehow just lost in it.

Luca snarls and shoves himself up from the bed, grabbing his underwear and hastily pulling them on before striding away from me, his hands getting lost in his hair as he turns his back to me, attempting to put the shattered pieces of his reality back together.

I start to cry again, gathering the blankets to my chest and looking down at my shaking hands. Because even if Luca and I greatly misunderstood what was happening today, I see his side of it – I see what he means. He thought that breaking the stupid sex pact was not just us having sex, but me fulfilling the terms of it: choosing him, deciding to reject Jackson, wanting his mark.

And that may have even been the wording – god, I don’t even remember – that I wouldn’t have sex with one of them until I’d decided.

But so – so much has happened since then – so much has grown and changed –

“This was supposed to be special for me too, you know,” Luca snaps, turning back towards me suddenly and drawing my eyes up to him. “A man only gets one chance to mark his mate. I never precisely imagined that the moment I did it that you’d say ‘no’ and shove me away and start crying.”

I hang my head and sniff hard then, because he’s right. It shouldn’t have been this way for either of us.

“You should have asked me,” I whisper, shaking my head and starting to tremble, grief hitting me again for everything that has been lost and ruined in these past few days. I tried to escape it, to run from it, but god…god, I’ve just made it worse.

“Asked you?” Luca asks, a nasty tone in his voice now. “Why, because that’s what he would have done?”

“Why are you being like this?” I cry out, turning my head back up to him, my lower lip trembling in my agony. “Why are you even talking about Jackson – this is about us –“

“It’s never just about us,” Luca snarls, glaring at me like he hates me. His wolf snarls in my soul, prowling towards mine. “It’s always about him – he’s always there – between us – ruining this –“

“That’s not what it’s like – Jackson would never do that -“

“Well then maybe you should have slept with him, Ariel!” Luca shouts, vicious. “If he always does everything right and he’s so fucking perfect, maybe you should have had your first time with him! And then everything would have been great!”

I just stare at Luca, dread coiling within me, and slowly close my mouth.

Silence echoes in the room between us as Luca reads my reaction.

His face again pales, and his shoulders drop, his hands falling limp at his side.

I clench my jaw and raise my chin, refusing to apologize for it.

Because it was – it was perfect. I wouldn’t have wanted to lose my virginity any other way than on a soft, quiet afternoon in my bed with a man who loves me very, very much. And as much as it breaks Luca’s heart, I’m not going to be ashamed of it.

“Oh…oh my god…” Luca murmurs, gaping at me, unblinking. And then he moans, and covers his face with his hands and turns away.