Chapter 489

I scootch forward on the window seat, making room behind me. Jackson takes a moment to dip low, pressing a kiss to Marigold’s cheek and then to her hair, telling her how much he missed her and how glad he is to see her. The little girl laughs, beaming up at her father, and I can feel both of our hearts wrench at how incredibly precious she is.

Then Jackson sighs and slips in behind me, his back against the wall, pulling me back so that my back rests against him.

“Here, Goldie,” I whisper, placing the picture book firmly in her lap. “You play with this.”

She looks down at the book for a moment before her eyes stray to the collection of little plastic ponies that Seraphina gave to her. I laugh and give her a little nudge, encouraging her to go play with those if that’s what she wants.

I cuddle close to Jackson as we watch our little girl scurry over to the toys, dropping to her knees in front of them and beginning to play.

“How are you?” Jackson murmurs, his voice heavy and low, his mouth close to my ear.

“I’m okay,” I reply, turning my head to gaze up at him, all tingly and warm curled up in his arms like this. “How was the meeting?”

“It was…fine,” he says with a little frown, his eyes searching my face. “It was difficult to pay attention. I kept thinking about you.”

“Very unsoldierly of you,” I say, giving him a smile, teasing.

He smirks and rests his cheek against my hair. “It was miserable. I felt horrible the whole time. I’m so sorry, Ariel.”

“Don’t be sorry, Jacks,” I whisper, letting my eyes flutter shut. “You’re just protecting your family.”

“No, I should be sorry,” he says, shaking his head. “When the exact same question was poised to me – whether or not I should continue to attend school now that I’m a father – you jumped to my defense. Not a single moment of hesitation before you were on your feet, defending my rights to continue my education. And I…completely failed you. I regret it.”

A little bit of grief coils in me there, because he’s right. But I forgive him instantly. Jackson’s had a challenging life and the past few months have asked him to grow so much. He’s doing beautifully and I love him for constantly, always stepping up to the challenge, for wanting to grow.

“Do you think it’s different?” I ask quietly. “Since like…you can leave the kids behind and go continue your education? And I’m kind of…attached to them right now?”

“I don’t know,” Jackson says, heaving a sigh. “I’m not trying to be evasive – I just…honestly do not have an answer for that, Ari. I need…a lot of books. I may not sleep again until I’ve read them all. What do you think?”

“I think that things are different,” I whisper, settling my hands on my stomach and looking down at them. “But I’m not sure I can get behind any policy that says a woman is too pregnant to continue her education. Not for me and not for any of the women in our nation. It’s not right.”

He hums, nodding, agreeing with me. “I’m sorry I didn’t think of it that way this morning.”

“I owe you an apology too,” I say quietly, looking up at him. “I’m sorry I huffed out of there and didn’t tell you to come talk to me. It wasn’t fair.”

“I think we both needed space,” he murmurs, nudging my cheek with his nose. “Emotions were high. We needed time to…figure out what we were thinking.”

I nod, agreeing with it, but still meaning the apology very much. Jacks – I only want to be fair to him. And I can be temperamental and willful. I don’t ever want him to suffer for that.

He snarls a little, playful and wanting, brushing his cheek against my hair and letting me know, down the bond, that he likes me quite temperamental and willful.

I smile, relaxing back against my mate, letting the issue settle for a moment. I send a silent request for him to tell me everything that happened in the meeting. My mate complies, giving me all the details he can, telling me about how the Academy will shift its focus from tactics appropriate for fighting against Atalaxia to those more necessary for an internal fight against the Community.

It’s complicated, of course, by the fact that they’re our people too. And further tricky because we know very little about what’s going on up there in the North. But as Jackson continues to detail the kind of training that they’ve got planned, and tells me how central espionage will be to the efforts, and reveals that volunteer units of Cadets are actually going to go north to participate in real action…

I can’t help it. I just get incredibly jealous.

“Tell me,” Jackson urges, feeling the shift in my emotions, tightening his arms around me.

“I just want to do that,” I say, laughing a little, shaking my head, feeling petulant. “It sounds so cool, and important, and…vivid. I want to do that work, Jacks. I want to help.”

He nods, humming his understanding, letting me have the space to speak.

“I just…Jacks, I don’t know if I’m going to be a very normal kind of mom,” I say quietly, worried about it. “I don’t think I can do it.”

“What’s a normal mom?” Jackson asks, genuinely curious.

“Like my mom,” I say quietly. “Dedicated to raising the kids and keeping the family together. Letting the man in the house take charge.”

“She does more than that.”

“I know,” I say on a sigh. “But…mom and dad fall into some really normal gender roles. It works for them. Family has always come first for mom – she loves it.”

“You don’t think you’ll love it?”

“I think I will,” I say quietly, looking out the window at our vast and beautiful country. “But I love other things too. I think I’m more like my dad. I think I want and need to have more balance. Are you okay with that?”

“Of course I’m okay with that.” Jackson gives me a warm little nudge with his nose, letting me know that he means it. “If it helps, I don’t think I’m going to be a normal dad either. Mostly because I have no idea what that entails.”

I laugh, turning to him, smiling up into his face. “You’re going to do great, Jacks.”

“So are you, Ariel.”

I cuddle closer, pressing a kiss to his jaw.

“What I do know is that you and I are going to do everything we can to love and raise these girls,” Jackson murmurs. “And…I don’t have any knowledge to back this up with, but I think that’s all that really matters. And I think they’ll be proud to have a badass warrior mom.”

“And if they don’t?” I ask, a little smile playing at my lips.

“Then I’ll…punish them…” Jackson murmurs, his voice clearly belying the fact that he has no idea what he’s talking about. Or what that punishment would even look like. Or how he’d ever actually have the heart to enact that threat.

I burst out laughing and Jackson snarls, snatching me close, pressing me to him and letting me feel precisely how much I’m loved. Which is a great deal. Marigold looks over at us at the noise and smiles, two little pony toys clutched in her hands.

“We’re going to be great at it,” Jackson whispers, kissing my temple. “I can just feel it.”

“Yeah,” I say on a sigh, resting against him. “We are, aren’t we?”

He hums, confidence running through him alongside his very real worry that we have no idea what we’re doing. But the confidence wins. We’re going to figure it out and love the hell out of our kids.

“Only question is,” Jackson says. “What do we do now?”

“What do you want to do?” I whisper, turning my head to look at him.

He shakes his head at me. “You lead on this, Ariel. What do you want?”

My lip quivers a bit as I look up at him, so touched in his faith in me. “I want to go to school,” I whisper.

Slowly, his lips break into a smile. And then I shout with surprise as Jackson moves fast, hoisting me up into his arms and standing all in one big movement. Marigold squeaks as I burst into laughter, shaking my head at my mate as I secure my arms around his neck. “What on earth are you doing!?”

“Taking you to school!” he booms out, laughing and striding for the closet. “Come on, do you have any cadet uniforms in here?”

I laugh harder, shaking my head at him, spilling out protests that it’s ridiculous and we have time and there’s no rush.

But he pauses and grins at me, eager and kind. “If you’ve decided, Ariel…why wait?”

I bite my lip, going still in my mate’s arms, and then burst into a wild grin. “Let’s do it!”