Chapter 18

Alyson's POV

We returned back to the Starstream pack's territory. I was so pleased to see Donna again, but Ryan disappeared till later that night.

I wasn't sure how we would act now that we were back home after spending the night together, platonically. Especially with Donna around a lot.

Ryan returned to his cabin late. His clumsy big feet seemed to trip over a few items and crash around. I got out of my bed and crept into the main room.

The smelt of alcohol hit me first.

"You're drunk?" I said.

He grumbled.

I teased him, "You know, it's boring to drink alone. Next time, invite me to drink with you."

He turned very fast in my direction, also stepping back a bit to catch himself. I had never seen him like this. He came over to me, and before I could react further, one of his large hands came to my face. I expected gentleness, but gripped my head and pressed me firmly into his chest, a rather aggressive form of a hug.

I leaned in, hugging around his waist, wondering if he needed my love, wondering if I should tell him about my feelings. I hadn't yet. I breathed in his scent, tainting heavily with the smell of hard alcohol. I held him more tightly, enjoying the moment of me and him together. He had been gone all afternoon and I had missed him- thinking all day about our night sleeping together before. More unspoken words that I could not admit.

Something was bothering him. I could hear the rhythm of his heart beat was faster than it should have been. He seemed to want to kiss me but his breath was foul and there was something really off about the look in his eyes.

"Ryan, what's...?" I was pulling back.

Suddenly, he gripped my jaw, his hand was large enough to cup my whole face. He forced me to look at him. His eyes were cold and hungry. He was so powerful, but it was rude and it hurt.

I wanted to wine, but I looked kindly into his crazed eyes instead. I felt sure he couldn't mean to be so rough.

What kind of expression was this? There was a desperate craze boiling in his eyes. I'd seen that before, but there was more this time- there was sadness and hurt. I wondered if the sadness had anything to do with me.

I softened my expression, sure that I could reason with him.

But he put more force into his grip. He was panting like he might shift- as if his wolf might take control and devour me.

"Ryan!" I cried out to him. "You're hurting me!" It was the one thing he promised he never wanted to do. How could he not see that I was becoming scared?

Those words reached him. The tautness of his body released me. He stepped back still clumsy and drunk.

I retreated back from him, putting a table between us. Trying to remain calm because I felt like I knew him enough that he wouldn't actually hurt me, but at the same time wary of betrayal.

"I'm sorry," Ryan put his hand over his face and rubbed his eyes. His voice came out with so much pain that it shocked me. "I never want that."

He was turning back towards the door to leave.

Even if he scared me, despite myself, I rushed to him. I wanted to share my warmness, make him feel better, but what could I do. "Are you sick again? Do you need my blood? Do you want to talk? I know that something is wrong. This isn't you."

Ryan shook his head and moved my arm away from him. He left anyway.

I stood at the doorway, wondering where he'd go this time of night. For a second, I considered following him, but that might cause more problems. I felt distrusted, abandoned and isolated. The sound of nighttime was hollow outside the cabin with the whole pack sleeping and only the sound of distant crickets and frogs chirping.

I closed the door slowly. Standing in the dark room dazed and confused at all the emotions. He had rejected my help like he didn't even want me anymore. Why was he so angry and sad? Could it all have to do with me, or was there something more? I realized I didn't know him as well as I thought I did, and I was surprised that it made me want to know him more. I wanted to understand him.

I had been so cold to him every time he'd been warm, surely it had to do with that. And now, he was cold with me. What if I couldn't fix it? What if this would be how things were now and it was all my fault because I couldn't just tell him that I even liked him. The thought scared me. I had fallen for him more than I wanted to.

I slunk to the floor, completely alone. I would be alone like this forever, like in the prison I was forced into in my last life without the warmth of love. And now, I'd done it to myself. I had ruined everything; I just knew it. If only I had shown more affection and offered him some of my blood sooner before he was so desperate and aggressive, then I wouldn't be here like this. I was convinced it was all my fault.

"Everything all right?" Donna must have woken up; she was peering into the main room of the cabin from her little adjacent sleeping quarters.

It was dark so I knew she wouldn't see the tears in my eyes, although she could probably smell them.

"Yeah, it was just a nightmare," I said, trying to not sound as shaky as I felt. It wasn't even really a lie. "I'll be ok." That felt more like a lie.

Tears were falling down my cheek.

"I'm sorry. I don't know what's wrong with me," I said losing composure in my voice. There were so many meanings to that statement. So many things wrong with me. I felt bitter resentment towards my past life again and everyone who had ever done me wrong. It was all their fault I was like this- it was their fault I didn't know how to love normally, and now I might have lost Ryan's love.

Donna rushed to me, embracing me with a gentle tight squeeze. She tucked her head into my shoulder and I felt like a small child weeping with her mother.

"It's alright, just give him some time." Donna said.

The next morning, I looked in my mirror seeing my eyes all puffy and swollen from tears the night before. It felt like a distant memory that still hurt. I wondered how such a stupid thing could hurt so much after the torture and imprisonment of my last life. But it still did.

There was a slight bruise on my jaw.

Donna knocked on my door, "Dear? How are you this morning?"

"I'm better," I said, not really believing it as I looked at my sad pouty face in the mirror, the purple eyes a lot less pretty with how bloodshot they were beneath the swollen lids.

"Come have breakfast with us?" She invited sweetly.

Us? Was Ryan back? I fumbled for my brush.

"It's just Michael and I this morning. Alpha Ryan stopped by, but he said he wouldn't be back for lunch or dinner." She sang sweetly. "He seemed to be ok, though, just preoccupied with something."

My spirits darkened. While I wasn't eager for him to see my tear-ravaged face this morning, I had wanted to reconcile, or interact, or know that it would be ok! I became angry, how should I know that we were going to be fine if he avoided me. After being rough with me last night and then leaving, he should have come to see me. I would not feel better till we interacted and I knew it was all back to normal.

I asked Donna as I exited my room. "Did Alpha Ryan say anything about me?"

She brushed a strand of hair from my face, looking so sympathetic to my pathetic face that indicated obvious crying all night. "He stood outside for a while, but didn't come in. I asked if he wanted me to wake you up, but he wouldn't permit it."

"Oh," I said bitterly, slumping at the breakfast table, grabbing some bread and shoving a large piece into my mouth.

Michael was sitting across from me with a full plate. He'd stopped to stare at me.

"What?" I challenged him. "Is there something wrong with my face?"