Chapter 33

Alyson's POV

Ryan wasn't there when I woke up, and my chest tightened till I saw that he was outside the cabin. He hadn't disappeared, but I knew he was likely getting ready and I would go with him.

My heart needed him. I might tell him at some point, but for now, I knew I was going with him.

I began to pack a small assortment of dresses and clothes. I wasn't sure what was best to pack, and I asked Donna for some guidance. We spent the day getting ready, keeping tabs on Ryan to make sure he hadn't gone far.

"We need to talk about the trip," I told Ryan in passing.

He nodded, "I have a few things I need to take care of now, but I will come and find you this evening."

That made me feel sure, and I wanted to be ready, although it was hard to get ready without knowing the plan. How should I prepare? The more I evaluated the contents of my pack, the more frustrated I became that he hadn't talked with me yet.

Later that evening, Ryan came into my room. I had laid out a few different clothes, and I wanted to be ready for anything. After we spoke, I would make final decisions.

"Oh good, I'm glad you're here. How light should I pack?" I asked. "I've been fretting all day about what to bring or not, and if we're taking a carriage, or traveling as wolves." My nervousness was so apparent by how much I was jabbering on. "I also thought that maybe, if traveling as wolves, we'd buy a new wardrobe once we arrive."

He touched my arm lightly, and I gazed up at him. I could see the love in his eyes. His usually rough expression was soft, making me weak in the knees. I knew that I loved him, I just had strange ways of showing it and hardly expressing it. Vulnerability was too scary.

It was time. I would never feel ready, but I was heading towards my revenge with the most powerful wolf I'd ever witnessed. I would have my revenge, and I would have my peace. It felt right. It felt like destiny.

"I love you, Alyson," he said, and he kissed me. I let him, folding myself into him, my anxieties from the day releasing as my body flushed and grew warm. He leaned back and looked me in the eyes from only a few inches away, he stroked my cheek, "Do you love me?"

I had only told him one time that I did, and of course he wanted to know it was still true. I grew angry at myself that it was so difficult. I buried my face in his chest, and whispered, "You know that I do."

He smiled, his hands running up my body, but I could see something was far away in his eyes. He held me more tightly, I could hear him breathing as he buried his face in my hair to take in my scent.

"What? There's something you want to tell me?" I asked. "Is it about going to Crowalt's territory. You haven't answered a single one of my questions."

He seemed too quiet, and I knew that something was wrong.

"Yes," he said. "I'm going alone."

"What?" I ripped myself away from him, every muscle in my body tensed. "I'm going with you, you said so last night."

"I never said that."

"You did! I need to go with you, you can't leave me. Why are you leaving me?" My voice fluctuated between rage and sadness. "I can't…" I almost told him that I couldn't possibly live without him, that my heart would die.

"It's safer, I might die. I need to go alone. I can't risk your safety too. It's better this way, Alyson?"

I had turned away from him and when he touched my arm, I yanked it fast from him. "I have my revenge too." I said. "I don't care if I live safe, or die for my revenge, I need to go with you. It's not an option that I stay here."

I turned back to him furiously.

"Please see reason," he said, softening his tone, even a little pleading which sounded odd for his low baritone voice.

"I do see all the reasons to go with you. If you leave me, I will never forgive you. I won't be left behind, you can't." Even though I didn't want to, my voice cracked and a tear fell down my cheek. "I can't let you go. What about my blood, you will need it?" I couldn't imagine if he left and I stay here wondering what is happening to him. I would die by his side if needed, I could not stay here.

"Please," he said again, wanting me to look at him. I did, right through my teary eyes. "You always leave me behind," I said. "How many times will you leave me like this on some mission that you never tell me about? I don't need your protection, I've already died, and I live again for my revenge. I do not fear death."

I hoped that my confession sounded more hyperbolic than me sharing some dark truths. I was so upset, I couldn't stand the harshness to my tone, or the feelings that he would abandon me and then go off to die by himself.

My wounded look burrowed into his soul, and I recognized that leaving me killed him too. He never wanted to leave me, he truly believed this was best. And just like that, I needed to be as close to him as possible because I could never let him go.

He cupped my teary face in his hands and we looked deep into each other's eyes in ways that we were never able to express with words. He kissed me lightly, and I could not stand to be apart from him, or cold to him, I needed him more than I needed air.

I grasped at his shirt like I could never let him go, the hunger of my wolf's mating desires raged inside me, and he was responding to me with equal ferocity. We ripped at each other's clothes as if our human nails had become sharp claws. Our bodies pressed into each other, our heartbeats thrumming in our chest following each other's rhythms.

I bit at his ear and his neck till he made a grunt of pain, and he pushed my face away from him. I opened my legs to him, needing him inside as quickly as possible with my whole body flushing with desires, every inch of me responding to his touch. He mounted me, and I wanted him inside me so badly, I twisted and bent for him to have access. When he entered me, I gasped, I responded with wanting.

"Don't leave me, ever. Don't leave me," I said between moans.

We beat on each other, all anger and sadness coming out in the fast pace of mating. Once he entered me, I didn't let him leave, I pressed my body up to his, and we rocked like that, shifting positions.

Our rhythm seemed frantic, I was setting the pace too quickly, even though I never wanted it to end. He slowed us down, and I only moved faster against him, I couldn't contain how badly I wanted him.

I orgasmed terribly hard, crying out and screaming as if it hurt me, but in reality, it felt amazing and I couldn't contain it. Ryan kept going, he was slowing down, looking at me with such sadness that I could hardly bear to see it.

He turned me on my side, and kept the pace till I orgasmed again, and my body released all its tension. I wanted to cry, and complain about him leaving me, but I felt a false sense of safety and relaxation. We spent so much of our angst and energy, that we both fell asleep, sweaty in each other's arms.

Sometime in the night, I pulled away from him, too hot, needing a little more air.

In the morning, I woke up with the sunrise, and Ryan was gone.

I sat up quickly, and barely covering my body, ran out into the rest of the cabin. I could sense that Ryan was gone. Out on the porch, I smelt the musky odor of his wolf, he had shifted hours ago and headed out away from me, possibly towards his death. I might never see him again, but I needed him.

I slumped down on the front steps, pressing my face in my hands, and wept. I felt the chain with the wolf pendant he'd gifted me that hung around my neck and ripped it off, throwing it off into the bushes in anger.

I couldn't believe that he'd left me. My heart broke. I had to follow him, or die trying. Regretting my actions, I scrambled to the bushes and found the necklace again, clutching it so tightly into my hands that it cut me and I bled.