Chapter 58

I closed the door behind him.

He gave me a light peck on the lips, but I knew him well enough that something major was on his mind. He hardly looked at me, but his face was darkened with concern.

"How were the Elders?" I said. While he paced, I stood watching him my hands tightened to fists, and fear gripping my heart. I knew the nature of the news but it would still hit me like a blow to hear it from Ryan's voice, and I dreaded knowing his reaction to it.

He swung to face me, and took my hands in his. "I'll start with good news. The Elders have officially declared that I could be an Alpha candidate. I accepted. They even said that Jacob is showing some signs of deteriorating health all of the sudden."

Despite my turbulent mood, that lightened it ever so slightly. "Then the poison is working already."

He nodded. "My thoughts exactly. And they do assume it is the curse taking its toll as you said it would."

There was that part at least. I enjoyed hearing it.

"Congratulations. Becoming an Alpha candidate was what you wanted… what we wanted," I corrected. For sure, Ryan would be a better candidate that any other Alexander that I knew.

But there was bad news coming and I braced myself for it, even if I suspected it was regarding Diana.

"What else?" I said with a lowered gaze.

His eyes darkened. With a polite gesture, he led me to my room, and we shut the door. He had me sit on my bed beside him. I couldn't stand it any longer, I said, "What is it? You can tell me. I am strong."

He cleared his throat before he started, "Well, as an Alpha candidate, they tell me that I need a blood provider from Clan Clark."

My heart stopped beating; I couldn't look at him as he told me. I expected it to hurt, but it inflicted serious pain to my wavering breaths. I wasn't sure that he would accept their offer, but I also wasn't sure how he could have avoided it.

He continued, "They have chosen some she-wolf named Diana Clark to be my future mate. She's a little young as of now, but don't worry, I didn't immediately accept it."

He was trying to hold my hands, but I was pulling them away. "How did you not accept?" My voice ran cold enough that chills swept down my spine.

He wilted a little as I withdrew from him.

He explained, "I asked that I at least meet her first. It was odd to a few of them, and they were confident that I would like her with her quality of blood, but they agreed that I could pick my own mate from Clan Clark as long as she had adequate quality blood."

My insides were falling. I felt dizzy. I hated this kind of ultimatum; it violated the freedom I'd come to love in my new life. "And what if you don't?"

"What if I don't what?" he asked.

"What if you don't pick a mate from Clan Clark?"

"Then I can never be an Alpha of Crowalt Pack." He said. "They told me that if I don't pick someone by the time Diana is of age, and I want to be an Alpha candidate, I should take her as my mate."

I despised the casual way he told all this to me. Shouldn't he hate this as much as I did? When he told me, I'd expected some additional reactions from him, but instead he told me what happened as if he hadn't had any emotions about it.

"So?" I said coldly. He was searching for my gaze but I wouldn't look at him. "You put it off but what will you do?" Raging jealousy had taken over my insides. I could hear the low hum of Ariana growling inside me.

He paused, and it drove me mad. I could not stand for his calculated reactions when I wanted to know his feelings.

Before he answered, I said, "Diana is my cousin. She is sickly now, and I suspect that Jacob is already using her for her blood."

I finally looked at him, and he looked shocked. "I've seen her around though. It seems like she's free."

I knew that she seemed to be at the tea party of her own free will, and it perplexed me also. But I was even more angered by his words, "You see her around? Where? Have you met her?" Was he sneaking around meeting with this she-wolf who they'd matched with him?

When he didn't answer immediately, I stood up from the bed, and faced him, my arms crossing. "Where did you see her?"

His hands were out to calm me. "I've not met her. I just know who she is, and I saw visions of her before. That's what I meant. In my visions, she doesn't appear trapped or chained anywhere."

While it settled me for a moment that he was not meeting her or seeing her in real life, I spat back in the next moment, "So you're looking into her now? Trying to figure out if she'd suit you or not?"

He was shaking his head, "It's not like that."

"How is it like then?" I snapped. My eyes were starting to fill with tears and I didn't even know why. I was also seeking information about Diana, but it felt like my motives had to be different than his.

Ryan was gazing sadly up at me from his place still sitting on the bed. It seemed like he wanted to say so much but wasn't sure even where to begin. I felt crazy with swinging influx of emotions.

"Say something," I said, aware vaguely that I was being unfair, but I was too devastated to hold back.

He said, "I actually found her in visions under your guidance. I was looking into Jennifer, and I saw her with Jennifer. In my visions, I heard your sister say the name Diana, so I put two and two together. That's all. Alyson? I promise you, that's all. I have no interest in Diana, or taking any mate but you."

My insides wilted at the hopeless situations. I flopped back down to the bed, defeated. "That makes sense." I said wearily. "And I will not be your mate, or admit that I'm a Clan Clark she-wolf."

Tears fell from where they'd been collecting near my eyes. I was so upset and confused. I couldn't sort through all my emotions to know what to do. How should Ryan have responded if he was to keep my secrets in front of the elders and avoid another mate? Could I ask him to give it all up for me when I'd denied being his mate so many times?

I felt guilty for the place I put him in, realizing how the situation was the problem, and Ryan had acted as best he could in this rough place.

He reached over and stroked my back. I threw my arms around him in a deep hug. I scooted my body into his, embracing him for all the comfort it would provide. For that moment, I felt safe in his arms, and I wished that we could stay like that forever and avoid the world and its problems.

"I'm sorry I got so angry," I said.

"It's ok," He whispered back. "Alyson, I love you so much it hurts, and I could never accept any other she-wolf even if we're never mates. I would be miserable to deny my heart. I could not."

And I loved him even more, because Ryan was all integrity and sincerity, and I wanted all of him while I could have him. I wanted to believe that he would never take another, but it seemed unfair on my account to ever ask that of him.

"I'm sorry that I cannot be your mate," I said with a kiss to his neck.

He winced from my words, but said, "I understand your fears after hearing your story."

It was the sweetest comment he could make. More tears fell down my face from all my frustrations and anger, fear and jealousy. It all seemed so unfair.

This incredible man loved me more than I ever deserved. And I loved him, but I was too scared to become anyone's mate. And I could not imagine that changing.

"I need you," I said, cupping my hands around his masculine jawline and kissing him fiercely.

He responded with equal ferocity as he clung to me with his strong arms our bodies pressed together. I wasn't even sure how he could undress me and himself in a matter of seconds, but soon we were naked together, entangled and gasping for breaths.

All the mounting pleasure in my body was amplified with all that rage building up under the surface. I was angry at the world, and the Moon Goddess. I was angry at the elders for the Diana situation, and Jennifer and Jacob. I was most angry at myself for not loving Ryan like he deserved.

But in this moment, I held back nothing from him.

"Take all of me," I said as he entered me. "I want you to take me like you'll leave nothing behind."

The wolf in his eyes was hungry and lustful, and he threw my body up against the wall. I wrapped my legs around him, the rhythm of his body into mine was fast and strong, and I cried out from the pleasure.

He turned me onto the bed face down and entered me from behind, deeper and deeper, and I screamed into the pillow. It was all too much, and too wonderful all at once.

He flipped me over to face me, and fall over my body, kissing my breasts and neck, his fangs grazing the jugular at my neck as if he were also hungry from my blood. I shuttered with pleasure, at the thought of him feeding on me and growing powerful. In the heat of the moment, I was swept away with irrational desires.

Even as he pounded into me, I grew a little sad. He needed blood and he rarely took any from me. I met his hungry gaze, and I put one hand up to the other, with my claw, I stroked my wrist and cut it open.

While at first, he withdrew with surprise, he also winced as the smell of my blood overwhelmed him. Even as he kept thrusting into me, he pulled my bleeding wrist to his mouth and sucked on the cut till I was slightly bruised and it stopped bleeding.

I felt dizzy from the pain combined with the pleasure. It was so intense I was mad from desires.

When we finished, the intensity and ferocity was unlike any other mating session. It was intimate, but not like the profound sharing of our minds, instead it felt like I'd truly given him all of myself.

Even if I enjoyed this new mating ritual, I was tired, and sad, and withered from the experience.

Gazing at Ryan, he looked as if he was on fire, his bright eyes burning the power that raged like a storm inside of him.

I reached out and stroked his incredibly beautiful face. While he often looked a little gaunt, he now radiated health.

"Are you ok? Did I hurt you?" he asked.

"I'll be fine, maybe I will need some Blood's Bane tea." I said.

He rushed to make me some, and as I sipped it, I felt the strength returning to my body, confirming how good the stash from Starstream Pack really was.

We lay together, and he cradled me. "It doesn't seem right for me to take from you like that." He said.

But I hushed him, wanting to feel like we were all each other needed.