Chapter 5 FINN

“The sitting area is this way,” I said as I passed the shelves and noticed her still standing there, looking around like she wasn’t sure where anything was.

She followed me without saying a word. When we got there, it was already almost full. There was only one seat left at the far corner near the window.

I turned to let her take it while I figured something else out, but before I could say anything, she stopped. She just stood there, staring at the room. Then she turned around and left.

Just like that.

Okay… I don’t know what that was about. I thought about calling after her, but I didn’t. Something about her didn’t seem like the type that wanted to be stopped. So I figured it was best to just let her be.

I took the last seat and opened my books, forcing myself to focus. I can’t afford to fail any of my classes again. If I do, Dad will start all over again reminding me how much of a disappointment I am to the Hollis name.

And with the mid-term tests coming up, I don’t have the luxury of messing up. I still remember the last time I failed. I remember how angry he was.

Mom had just died of cancer, and everything still felt… unreal. I couldn’t believe she was gone.

That morning before school, I sat by her bedside. She held my hand, hers was weak but still warm, and her skin looked pale.

“Don’t let him decide your life for you,” she whispered. “Be more than what he expects… not less.”

I didn’t fully understand what she meant at the time. I just nodded.

I went to school that day holding onto that moment, thinking maybe she was getting better, that maybe things were going to be okay. But when I got home, everything changed.

Dad was home early. The nurse was there too.

That alone should’ve told me something was wrong. I went straight to her room. She was lying there, her hands were cold and she wasn’t breathing.

That was two years ago.

And when I failed my classes not long after that because I couldn’t focus on anything but her, Dad didn't offer comfort. He offered the beating of a lifetime to make sure I "remembered my priorities."

By the time lunch was over, I had barely processed anything I’d read.

I packed my things and headed back to class. The rest of the day passed in a blur, like it always does when my head isn’t really there. Eventually, school ended and I went home.

“I’m back, Maria,” I called as I stepped into the kitchen.

“How was school, Finn?” she asked, stirring something on fire.

“It was fine,” I replied, already heading upstairs.

Maria has been with us since Mom got sick. She stayed even after… everything. She’s a bit older than Dad but not too old. She’s the only person in this house I can actually talk to.

The only one who doesn’t feel like a stranger.

I slumped into my bed and forced myself to finish my assignments before Dad got back. By the time he arrived, Maria had already gone home and I’d eaten dinner alone.

I don’t like running into him. We’ve never really gotten along. He’s just my father and I’m his son; we have nothing in common. Our relationship only grew worse after Mom died.

We don’t talk unless we have to. Now, every conversation somehow circles back to the same thing… his company, my future and his expectations.

He talks like it’s already decided. Like I don’t get a say in any of it. Like my life is already planned out for me.

If only he knew what I actually do…

He’d stop talking like that.

On how I'm going to take over his company and I'm sick of it. I've never really gone to his company before so I don't know why he keeps pestering me. If only he knows what I do he'll stop repeating that statement.

I looked out my window and hadn't realized that it had gotten dark. I laid down on my bed and tried to sleep but I couldn't possibly fall asleep. I went to my drawer and brought out the drug and held it in my palm.

I promised myself I wouldn’t use it again, but I didn't have a choice. My mind was racing too fast to stop. I popped two pills into my mouth and waited a few minutes

A few minutes passed and nothing happened. I let out a breath and reached for my notebook instead. If that didn’t work… this might. Then I started writing.

It was fast and messy. I wrote without stopping, pouring all my pent-up emotions onto the paper since I couldn't show them to the world. I wrote until my hand cramped, trying to ease the pain, but it never worked.

By the time I slowed down, my hand was aching. The page was full and somehow… I felt worse.

I grabbed my hoodie and my spare key and stepped outside. The cool night air hit me instantly. Good, I needed that. I started running without a destination or plan.

The faster I went, the louder everything inside me got and somehow, quieter at the same time. My legs screamed. But I didn’t stop until I physically couldn’t anymore.

By the time I slowed down, I realized I was a few blocks away from home. I bent slightly, catching my breath. That’s when I saw a small roadside bin. I walked over and, without thinking too much about it, knocked it over with my foot.

The clang echoed in the quiet street as trash spilled out slightly. I stared at it for a second. Then I ran back home.

When I got home I didn't go inside yet. I went straight to the backyard where the pool was. I pulled back the heavy thermal cover before entering the water quietly to avoid attracting attention.

The water was cold. Good. I didn’t dive in or swim. I just let myself float. My arms were loose., my eyes closed as I let the water carry me wherever it wanted.

When I stepped out, my hoodie and clothes were completely soaked. I used my keys to open the back door and stepped into the kitchen for a glass of water.

I saw Dad already there, standing by the window with a glass of scotch, staring out at nothing like a king surveying a kingdom he didn't like.

I ignored him, grabbing a glass and filling it. The water was halfway to my lips when he spoke.

“You’re dripping water on my floor.”

I didn’t respond or even look at him. I took a sip, then turned and walked out.

I went up to my room and changed into dry clothes and dropped onto my bed. Sleep came instantly this time.

The effects of barely sleeping hit me hard the next morning. My head throbbed and my body felt heavy. Everything felt… slower.

I stood in front of the mirror in my bathroom, staring. All I could see was Dad, twenty years younger. I hated my reflection. I hated that every time I tried to find myself, I just found a younger version of the man I was trying to escape.

I forced myself into the shower, letting the water run over me until I felt somewhat human again.

Downstairs, Maria was already setting the table.

“Good morning, Finn. Did you sleep well?”

I nodded slightly and sat down. I started digging into my eggs almost immediately, trying to finish before the air got too heavy. I was halfway through when Dad spoke without looking up.

“Where were you last night?”

I looked up at him, my fork still in my mouth. I looked skeptical, trying to figure out if he was actually talking to me which was dumb, since we were the only two people at the table.

“Out,” I said. “Went for a swim.”

“In your hoodie?”

“Yes.” He stared at me for a second before scoffing.

“You’re starting to act careless,” he said. “Walking around at night like you have nothing to lose. That kind of behavior doesn’t belong in this house.” I clenched my jaw.

“You think because I’m not watching you, you can do whatever you want?” he continued. “Start acting like someone who has a future.”

That was enough. I pushed my chair back and stood up. I left my half-finished food on the table because my appetite was officially gone.

I headed upstairs and grabbed my bag without another word. A few minutes later, I was out the door. On my way to school.