The reality of dreams

Since I can remember he's been haunting my dreams like a distant vivid memory. I always looked different and he did too, but my heart always knew it was him no matter what form he took. My soul felt his no matter what body he was in. Could it be that he is my soulmate, the one I'm destined to be with? Or is he just a figment of my overreactive imagination? Whatever or whoever he may be, he has plagued my thoughts and dreams all through my 2.5 decades of existence on this planet. One dream in particular has stuck with me the most. It's the dream that re-occurs the most. Him with his ocean deep blue eyes, brown hair as light as sand and a perfect pearly smile. Though he would never look the same in other dreams, always different, but I always knew it was him. I've had relationships and flings in my years, but never felt for them the way I do him. Nor do I feel this strongly for my husband. But I long since learned to keep this to myself. How could I possibly tell anyone that the love of my life is someone made up and not real? They will all think I'm crazy or say it's just a dream, just like my parents have done many times before. But it has never felt that way. Never has if felt like a dream or something created in my mind. It has always felt completely lucid, completely vivid, almost real.

I've had more than my fair share of trauma through my life and have long since given up trying to die. I've tried more than a dozen times and clearly never succeeded. I just chalked it up to its not my time. So I've been idling by, patiently waiting for that sweet and blissful forever sleep, where I can drift away into the endless abyss of nothingness. Maybe something big will happen. Something life-changing. Something that will give this unrelenting and tortures life of mine a purpose. Perhaps I'm hoping for the impossible. Perhaps my soul purpose of living is for others to use me as their punching bag, arousal relief dummy, or just to mentally insult. I've always had this hope that he would come and rescue me away from this life, sweeping me away from all the pain but my wishing has been futile. I will keep on hoping for change until my last breath because my hope is the only asset I have left, besides my 3 year old son, Riley of course. I must hold on to it or insanity will take control. I must find another reason to live for the sake of my child.

My husband is okay. He has always treated me fairly and is good with his stepson. However, he's very lazy and unromantic. Kisses and hugs are minimal in our relationship, and if I don't keep up with the housework, it becomes extremely burdening. There is only so much time after work to get things done. I'm always chasing after my son while he plays, to trying stay ahead of everything. Then I have every other weekend when Riley goes with his dad.I usually spend the whole weekend fixing the house and meal-prepping for the next two weeks.  The only time I get to myself is at night, when I can watch one or two episodes of a C-drama. The current drama I'm watching is called Rising Moons, a 'xianxia' series. The male lead is played by my favorite actor and celebrity crush Mèng Chénxī. I loved him the moment I saw him in the first drama I watched, another 'Xianxia', named 'Loved in fire'. Though he wasn't the main male lead he was more of the antagonist in that one. He just makes my heart beat a different kind of rhythm. I'm not sure if it's his ability to step perfectly into a roll or his beautiful dark brown eyes but I am completely infatuated with him. Perhaps I will have the opportunities to meet him and get his autograph one day. Until then, I will just keep on trudging on day by day with no purpose or self-esteem. Hopefully there will be an opportunity to change that. But who knows, I may just die without ever having a purpose in life. Maybe my only purpose is to raise Riley to become the next leader one day. At least then my life would mean something. This reasoning has been keeping me alive for the last few years. At times I feel grateful to have Riley, and at other times I question whether or not it was ever truly worth it.

Note from author-Hey, Sorry this is quite dark guys, but it comes from a very dark place in my heart, I relate to this character in many ways. Some of you may see yourselves in her also, I promise lighter days are to come for yourself and this novel. I hope you all will enjoy it <3