Ice and Fire

Ice Queen.

Heartless Bitch.

Siberian Witch.

Jackie Frost.

Are just some of the more loving names my colleagues have given me throughout the years. Does it bother me? Fuck no! I care nothing of what people may think of me. I may be tough and even seem cold, but I get the job done and that is all that matters to me.

I’m a cardio-thoracic surgeon not a social worker or a shrink. When I ask you how are things, I am only being polite. Take for example one of the nurses in the children’s ward, I was stupid of me to ask about her night and right at this moment is blabbing to me about it. Going into details of a guy she met, of what they ate, drank and even talked about. The whole conversation without breathing once. She's even showing me her text conversations and pictures they had shared since their meeting. I have too many things to do and my time is precious to be wasting it on people that waste theirs talking instead of doing their job.

“Hum, excuse me…Jeannette, is it?” She bobs her head eagerly expecting me to comment, but I don’t. “I am sorry but I am not interested in your private life. I have work to do. Good day to you.” Grabbing my computer tablet, I turn and walk away.

She whispers loudly enough for me to hear, “Heartless Bitch.”

It makes me smile how people are so fucking predictable. You would think that with my sunny disposition I would be more apt to work with the dead than with children. Now why would I be someone you would expect? Where would the fun be in all that?

Today my day is going to be nightmare, I can feel it. It is only 10 a.m. and I have for the past three hours made my rounds, consulted and scheduled three operations for the rest of the week. Now I’m on my way to announce a young couple that their 5-year-old son is in need of a heart transplant.

I walk into the hospital room and the little boy upon seeing me stretches out his arms to me. My heart breaks to see such tragedy. Life sometimes isn’t fair. I put my arms around him and give him a small peck upon his hair. “Hello sweetie. Now how are you feeling today?” He smiles up at me and hands me his blanky, a nasty looking thing that seems to hold on to dear life by one single thread.

“Bobby seems better today. Doesn’t he look better, Doctor Thornsdale?” Bobby’s mother says hopefully with shaking hands.

“Mrs. Chace…”

“Please call us Lisa and Jim.” Motioning to herself first and then to her husband.

“Lisa, Jim…Bobby may seem better, but his heart is very weak. There is not much we can do and after all the different scans, blood tests and examinations there is only one solution…a transplant.” Lisa began to cry in her husband’s arms. I continue to play with Bobby. The poor angel is not even aware of what is going on. How can you explain to a kid that at his age his little heart is not working right and that he needs an operation?

“I know it's not easy to hear the word transplant, but this way Bobby will have a healthy new heart and will be able to be a regular little boy. Even grow up to be the man you have always wished him to be.” I took a few moments for them to hear my words and let them sink in. After Lisa has calmed some I said, “It is his only hope. Think about it. Here… this is my number, my direct line and my cell phone are on the back. You can call me anytime you want to, ask me any questions that you may have and if you have decided on what we have discussed, but do not take too long. We would need to get him on the transplant list. The sooner the better.”

I give Bobby another kiss and walk out of the room. I kept my eyes straight forward not looking at the people passing me by. I needed air. I quickly stopped at the nurses’ station and asked to be kept informed of Bobby’s status at all times. Without waiting for the nurse to respond I just turned and walked away. When I was finally outside the winter air hit me hard. I had to take a big gulp of air in order to control my emotions. I lit a cigarette, one of the few I light up once in a while, when I just need to pull back down painful memories. After a few minutes of the cold air and my nerves finally calmed I walked back into the hospital.

I took the time think of what my life would have been if things were different. Where would I be at this moment? God how life changes in a matter of minutes, seconds…moments.

My thoughts were brought back when my name was called through the loud speaker. “Code Blue Room 507. Doctor Thornsdale room 507 STAT!” The voice had not finished saying my name that I was throwing my cigarette bud and ran towards Bobby’s Room. God, I thought we had more time. Why had his heart stopped? There was no reason for it to stop this way. I knew I should not have taken Bobby’s case. It was too heart-breaking and it brought forgotten memories to the surface. Memories I was not ready to relive even after 5 years. I needed this case to be done and be done quickly. Hopefully Lisa and Jim would make the right decision. It was the only way to go if they ever wanted their son to have a shot to a normal life.

As I quickly walked in I looked to my left and saw Lisa crying, hysterically in Jim’s arms. The crash carte was pushed to one side and immediately we began working on bringing him back to life. I gave my orders as everyone around the young boy worked their stations. I asked Jim what had happened all the time trying to pump life back into his son’s body.

“I left a moment for the bathroom and when I got back he wasn’t breathing. I asked Lisa and she said that he was playing with toy and he wanted to get down from the bed. When she told it wasn’t possible he began to get agitated. She went to the bathroom to get him some water and when she got back he was having a spasm and stop breathing.”

While he talked I tried to think of all the possible things that could have happened, the symptoms, the medication that he was being administered. Nothing seemed to add up. When finally, the monitor attached to his body beeped we all stood and waited for the beeps that followed. Complete silence. And then an other beep and then an other. A sound of relief was heard from all in the room. I asked for a thoracic scan to be done quickly. I needed to see the damage done to his already weak heart.

“What happened? Why did he stop breathing?”

A very agitated sobbing woman looked at me as I said to her husband, “Jim. Like I mentioned earlier Bobby’s heart is very weak and the only way we can save him is by doing a transplant. I have asked some test to be run. I will know more after I get the results.” I looked at the couple before me, they looked distraught, but something was not adding up. “I do not mean to push you, but have you made up your mind?”

“Put him on the list.” It was all I heard from Jim. Lisa said nothing with a blank look in her eyes.

I put my hand on his arm and told him it was the best decision. I left them alone with their son and began to make calls right and left. I needed to get him on that list. After 30 minutes of answering stupid questions, arguing and some screaming I finally was able to get Bobby Chace on the transplant list. Now we had to wait for a donor. That was the hardest part of the situation. A child had to die to give life to another. Life was really not fair.

Before I left I received the test results. Looked through them twice. Nothing! His heart just stopped. How can it be? There was no logical explanation, but there had to be. I walked back into room 507 and Jim was alone with his son.

“Where’s Lisa?”

“She went out for a smoke.” He looked extremely tired. The poor man working two jobs and still finds time to come to the hospital and visit with his son. If all fathers could be so devoted.

“Inconclusive.” I said looking over him and then at bobby who was sound asleep in his iron bed.

“What’s inconclusive?”

“The tests. I mean there was no apparent reason why his heart to stop. Even if his heart is weak it would not stop like this. It would normally gradually, during a long period of time and then stop beating. We will have to keep an eye on him.” I looked over the tests again, trying to see if I had missed something, but nothing. “I was able to get Bobby on the donors list.”

“Already? That was fast?” I nodded with a slight smile. “Thank you Doctor.” He threw his arms around me and gave me a strong hug. I patted his back and waited for him to let go.

“This is great news. Now we wait, right?” He looked at me and I only nodded, there was nothing for me to say or do…besides wait.

I took myself towards the cafeteria and once I get there the lines are remarkably small and I was able to chose a random dish. This was going to be my first true meal of the week and I was going to enjoy every last bite. I spoke too soon cause as I sat my ass on those uncomfortable vomit green plastic chairs I got paged to ED. I guess it will be an other time. It still amazes me how the human body can stand so much and yet be so fragile.

The ED was, like most days, packed. Almost every bed was occupied and at least a doctor, an intern or a nurse administering some kind of aid. In the back of the pit was my intern Doctor Michael Lewis waving me over. He was a good kid. Makes no stupid questions, goes strait to the point and gives me as much information I need before I get to see the patient. That way when I am before my new patient I have already a treatment in mind and that saves my time and can even save lives. He’ll go far and I might even take him completely in to the program.

After 9 new consultations, 1 emergency coronary artery repair and 13 hours my shift was finally over. But before doing so I headed over to Bobby’s room. I needed to make sure he was doing well. The room was empty except for Bobby that was peacefully sleeping. I checked his vitals and once everything looked normal I headed out the door.

It was time to go home.

Home?

If you can consider a hotel room not far from the hospital home so… be it. Grabbing my bags, I headed out of the hospital towards my car. As I drove out of the parking lot I saw Lisa and Jim Chace in deep conversation and from what I could tell neither of them was happy. Through my rear view mirror I kept eyeing them until they headed back inside. I could only wonder what that was about.