Shadows of Ivy

I stare at a gray wall, thinking about the hell my life has been. Yes, my entire life feels like one big mistake after another. No one to love me. No one cares enough about my welfare to check in on me. Well, John called, probably to make sure I didn’t kill myself. That was nice of him. He is a good guy, after all.

But it seems to have gotten worse the last month or so. I wish I could go back to that one mistake I made and yell at myself, saying it's not worth the pain! Just leave town and don’t look back! Of course, then I would probably think I had gone insane and just laughed myself to a hospital, which, in all honestly, may have been the best option! At least if I was in a hospital, I wouldn’t be sobbing here in a bathroom over the disaster that is my life.

Two weeks ago, I came out of the doctor's office so excited. It was the happiest day of my entire life! I was finally worth something! I had such big news to tell Chris. I was sure he would be happy once I told him and things would be good with us like they were six months ago. He would start caring about me again… At least, that was what I had naively thought. I know better now!

He’d been acting off lately, and my being sick didn’t help much. He had been pushing me away and spending long hours at work, saying he was trying to save up money or that he had a big project he had been working on. He would take a break in a few weeks, and we could go on a vacation. That was all legit, right? He couldn’t possibly be lying to me! He loved me! He even asked me to marry him, so why would he lie to me?

We’d been married for six months… And yes, getting married at 20 does seem young, and I was naive. I was in love with him, (or at least I thought I was) and he’d showered me with attention. He told me I was the most beautiful woman he’d known, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me! That had to mean something! Especially when no one ever told me I was beautiful. I was a nuisance and a burden… Not someone to marry just because.

But to be quite honest, I had nowhere else to go. I was so clingy and needy that I didn’t see what he was doing to me until it was too late. I should’ve run when I’d had the chance. I guess that makes me stupid… At least, that is what my parents would’ve told me.

I wish I had a relationship with my parents, but I don't. They kicked me out of the house the moment I turned 18, claiming I was a burden to them. They had used me just like everyone else. They pretended to be loving parents out in public, and at home, I was in hell. They never laid a hand on me, that would’ve got the school involved and eventually the cops. No, it was their words and their neglect that tortured me the most. They would never miss a chance to tell me how useless I was, and I was the reason my twin sister died. Well, if it had been me that died instead of Violet, would they have loved her instead? I guess I’ll never know.

My twin and I were almost identical. We both had flaming red hair, only her eyes were blue, and my eyes were green. She died of pneumonia when I was 5 years old. I have no idea how that means I made my sister die! I was sick too, only I came out of it and she didn’t. All I know is that I miss her and I’ve been lonely since she left me.

I’ve been working odd jobs since I was 12 and have money saved in the bank my parents can’t touch. My grandparents helped me open it without my parent’s knowledge. I wish I could’ve gone to live with them, but they left to travel the world. They didn’t care about me enough to take me with them, only to make it so I could have enough money to fend for myself.

After they kicked me out, I went to my best friend, Michelle, and her family took me in for a few months. I will forever be in their debt. Michelle’s parents, Lidia and Joe were always nice to me and never treated me like I was dead weight, and when we’d saved enough money, Michelle and I got our own apartment.

And then Chris came along like a knight in shining armor… At least that’s what I thought at the moment. 

He’s a few years older than me, and he’d already graduated college. He works in finance and had been doing well for himself when he met me at the diner I was working at. I thought it was love at first sight… I definitely should’ve had my eyes checked! But how was I supposed to know? I was so love deprived, I was willing to follow him blindly.

We dated for a total of a month, and I was head over heels for him. He told me I didn’t need to work anymore and I could move in with him. He would take care of me and we could be happy. We could start a family together and grow old… All the fluffy happy dreams floated in front of my eyes, blinding me to reality.

I didn’t know that the moment I agreed to marry him was the first of many mistakes. Why would I agree to something like that after only knowing the man for a month? It sickens me to even think about it now. I am so stupid! I hate how I can be such a pushover! (Well, I guess I’ve learned my lesson now.)

We had a rushed wedding, got married the next week at the courthouse, and I moved in with him. I quit my job just like he’d asked me to and put my money into his account for safe keeping. I know! Why didn’t I see the red flags? They were more like sirens blaring at me to get the hell outta there! And yet, I didn’t listen, thinking he would love me forever. I only have myself to blame for not noticing sooner!

The moment I said “I do,” everything changed. He became controlling and angry. He had to have everything perfect, or he would hit me. Even sex was a form of control, a punishment. I could never do anything good enough for Chris. He would belittle me in front of his friends when he took me to parties and flirt with all the single girls, acting like I wasn’t right there watching the whole thing playing out. And still I couldn’t open my eyes! What is wrong with me? Why didn’t I realize then that no matter what I did, I would never be good enough for his love and affection?

So when I came home that day, with my big news, only to find my husband on the couch with my best friend straddling his naked body, I freaked out. I yelled at them and cussed at them.