The Love I Couldn’t Keep

"Hold still! Your collar is all messed up," Alex said, reaching up to fix Ethan's shirt. His fingers brushed against Ethan's neck, and something fluttered in Alex's stomach.

"Thanks, man. I'm so scared I can't even dress myself," Ethan laughed, looking in the mirror. "Do you think Olivia will like this blue shirt? Or should I wear the green one?"

Alex stepped back and looked at his best friend. Ethan was tall with messy brown hair that never stayed in place. His brown eyes sparkled when he smiled, which was almost always. The blue shirt made those eyes look even friendlier.

"The blue one. Definitely," Alex said quietly. "You look great."

Ethan grinned and punched Alex's shoulder lightly. "What would I do without you, Rivera? You've been saving me since first grade."

Alex smiled, remembering when they first met. Ethan had forgotten his lunch, and Alex had split his sandwich with him. Since that day, they'd been inseparable – through elementary school, middle school, and now in their twenties, sharing an apartment while Ethan finished college and Alex worked at the neighborhood bookstore.

"So, tell me about Olivia again," Alex said, sitting on Ethan's bed while his friend put on cologne. Too much cologne.

"She's amazing," Ethan gushed. "She's smart, she loves climbing, and she has the prettiest laugh. I think she might be the one, Alex."

The one. Ethan always said that. With Rachel. With Megan. With Jessica. With every girl he dated. And every time, Alex heard and nodded and smiled, even though each time those words felt like tiny needles poking his heart.

"Spray any more of that stuff and she'll run away," Alex joked, changing the topic. "You smell like you fell into a perfume factory."

Ethan sniffed his wrist and made a face. "Too much?"

"Way too much. Go wash some off."

While Ethan was in the bathroom, Alex looked around the room they'd helped each other arrange. Photos covered one wall – Ethan and Alex at their high school graduation, camping at Lake Willow, dressed as superheroes for Halloween when they were twelve. So many memories.

Alex picked up a frame from Ethan's desk. It showed them with their arms around each other's shoulders, grinning after winning the three-legged race at the town fair last summer. Ethan had insisted on getting it made and framed.

"That's my favorite," Ethan said, coming back into the room. "We were so muddy but so happy."

Alex put the photo down quickly. "Better now. You only smell half as desperate," he teased.

"Ha ha. Very funny," Ethan said, checking his phone. "Shoot! It's already 6:30. I told Olivia I'd pick her up at 7:00."

Alex gave Ethan his wallet from the dresser. "Don't forget this. Remember last time?"

Ethan groaned. "That was so embarrassing. The waiter had to call you to bring money to the restaurant."

"And I'll never let you forget it," Alex smiled, but it didn't reach his eyes.

They walked to the front door together. Outside, the evening was cool, with pink and orange streaks coloring the sky as the sun started to set.

"Wish me luck!" Ethan said, checking his pockets to make sure he had everything.

"Good luck," Alex said. "Though you don't need it. Anyone would be lucky to be with you."

Ethan looked at Alex for a moment, his face soft. "You're the best friend anyone could ask for, you know that?"

Alex swallowed hard. "Just go. You'll be late."

With a wave, Ethan jogged down the steps and toward his car. Alex watched until the red taillights disappeared around the corner.

Back inside, Alex slumped onto the couch and stared at the ceiling. The apartment felt too quiet without Ethan's loud laugh and nonstop chatter.

"What is wrong with me?" Alex whispered to the empty room.

He'd felt this way for months now – this weird sadness whenever Ethan went on dates. At first, he thought maybe he was jealous because Ethan had less time for him. That made sense. They'd been best friends forever.

But it was more than that. The hollow feeling in his chest when Ethan talked about Olivia wasn't just about missing hang-out time.

Alex went to the kitchen and made a lunch, but he wasn't hungry. He turned on the TV, but couldn't focus on the show. Finally, he grabbed his sketchbook and started drawing. Drawing always helped him think.

Without planning to, he found himself drawing Ethan's face – the way his eyes crinkled when he laughed, the tiny scar on his chin from falling off his bike when they were nine.

Alex stared at the picture. His heart was beating fast, and his hands felt sweaty.

"Oh no," he whispered as understanding crashed over him like a wave.

He wasn't just missing his friend. He was feeling something else. Something bigger. Something frightening.

The sound of his phone ringing made him jump. Ethan's name showed on the screen.

Alex took a deep breath before answering. "Hey, what's up? Forget something?"

"Alex!" Ethan's voice was terrified. "I need your help. I spilled red wine all over my shirt! The whole restaurant is staring at me!"

Despite everything, Alex laughed. "Where are you? I'll bring you another shirt."

"Mario's on Main Street. You're a lifesaver!"

"I know. Be there in ten minutes."

Alex hung up and went to Ethan's room to grab the green shirt. As he was leaving, the picture on the desk caught his eye again. He picked it up, studying their happy faces.

Best friends. That's what they were. That's all they would ever be.

So why did his heart hurt so much?

Alex put the picture down carefully. He couldn't think about this now. Ethan needed him.

As he drove to the restaurant, a million thoughts raced in his head. What was happening to him? Why was he suddenly seeing his best friend differently?

And what would happen if Ethan ever found out?

Alex parked and sat in the car for a moment, the green shirt folded nicely on his lap. He had to act normal. He had to be the same Alex that Ethan had always known. His best friend. His fan. Nothing more.

Taking a deep breath, he stepped out of the car. Whatever these feelings were, he would push them down. He would ignore them until they went away.

Because losing Ethan as a friend would be worse than any pain.

Alex walked toward the restaurant, practicing his casual smile, unaware that this night was just the beginning of the biggest change in both their lives.