Chasing the Sunset

Lena

I’m having doubts again. They’re bubbling and swirling around like boiling water, and I can’t seem to turn the heat off. On the outside I appear calm but on the inside, my heart is like an emotional detective: digging, diving, questioning everything, and I’m afraid I’m making a huge mistake. I want to believe my life choices have led me to romantic satisfaction, but I always come to the nagging conclusion that I don’t believe that… not really. I’m caged, trapped in the illusion that I’m happy in my relationship. I flip on my favorite youtube channel, an astrologer who forecasts the celestial climate weekly. If my life is like a computer, then the planet's shifting alignments are the programs setting the stage for possible events; influencing my emotions and potential choices. And while the predictions are not always meant for me, which seems like a lot lately, I still like to have a heads up of what could occur. The familiar voice plays in the background as I continue packing for Cancun, making sure to grab several sun dresses, shaws, and bathing suits to throw in my suitcase. “On Tuesday, venus moves into…” the video drones on while I fold my clothes. I’m only half paying attention as I browse my closet and carefully select a variety of shoes and casual wear I want to take with me. Oh no, Tuesday? I missed Monday’s report but at least I can hear the rest of the week starting with tomorrow. “This is a great day for new love, new relationships, and endeavors… So if you are single, get out there!” Scoffing, I once again understand this week will have nothing to do with me.

When I agreed to have this week-long, joint bachelorette-bachelor party trip with Jasper, I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t reluctant. The idea is for my friend group and his to spend time on our own, but to also meet up periodically to make new memories together. If things between us weren’t so rocky, it would be an amazing way to come together before the wedding. However, the stress of planning the ceremony alone, work being busier than usual and family unease over when to have children, where to honeymoon and when to merge bank accounts, there is more tension between us than normal. So much so that we’ve bickered back and forth the past few weeks over petty opinions, and with each disagreement, I've wanted to pack my bags and walk away for good. Fuck, why haven't I??? I never have a solid reason to leave, yet the mediocre affection and lack of deepening connection leaves me unfulfilled, caught in a loop of longing for something different, something more. Our wedding day is only six months out, and as much as I want to ignore the tinges of cold feet, they’ve made a home in my heart like glue stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

I replay the beginning of our relationship as the youtube video continues into Wednesday, catching only bits and pieces from the sweet British accent speaking. I lose myself in waves of nostalgia as he continues, "uncharted territory, new beginnings, drama and conflict." Jasper and I met during my senior year at NYU and those days had been like a dream. He was spontaneous and a bit of a rebel, and I was wildly free. Our energy was lighthearted and eccentric, and he would show up outside of my classes often to court me around the hidden gems of Manhattan. We’d spend hours wrapped in the embrace of one another, and it felt as if I had found ‘the one’. He showed me what love could be, and I was content to gaze in his crystal blue eyes for the rest of my life. Where did it take a turn? After college? When the pressure to be successful and make full use of our degrees inflicted stiffness? That's when our spontaneous outings became less frequent, and he would either devote all of his waking time to me or ghost me for work. No in between. In the same house, we’re practically strangers at times. I know moving back home isn’t as thrilling as being in the big city, but damn it really sucks if this is a glimpse into our next 50 years together. Growing pains are a normal part of any relationship, obviously I’m not an idiot… The more you know someone, the more their character flaws appear, and no one is perfect.

When he proposed to me last year, the flame between us rekindled, and it reminded me of the magic we shared in New York. He made more of an effort to get home early, turning our boring routine into something more meaningful. We’d cook together, then settle in for cozy movie nights or board games filled with friendly competition. His desire for spontaneous dates returned and one time, he even surprised me with a home cooked meal in the middle of our back patio, surrounded by candle light. He led me into a slow dance under the stars after we ate, and despite clumsy me stepping on his feet several times, it was perfect. He was perfect. That was exactly four months ago however. Overtime returned, solitary meals returned, lackluster sex returned, the unbearable gap between us returned- and I’m tired of shining light on the distance to no avail. These days while he is preoccupied with corporate life and never ending business trips, I’ve done the same by also allowing my work to consume me. Embodying the passive, people pleasing persona that’s inhabited my body is more comfortable than the risk of starting over. It's like I've gone mute, morphed into a hermit crab and returned to the safety of my inner shell and blended right into his background.

A deep breath escapes me as I scan my room for anything I missed. I drag my feet to the bathroom to gather the skin care items I can't live without off the counter, to the living room for a book and earbuds for the flight. I pull out my phone to double check the uber's arrival time, when a text from Jasper pops up. "Going to the airport straight from work. Meet you at the gate." Great, can't even ride together to the airport. I scan the room and double check the bedroom, but don't see his luggage hiding anywhere. "Okay, see you soon. Do I need to bring your suitcase with me? I don't see it here." I type out quickly, before trying to control the frustration manifesting through a clenched jaw. "Meet you at the gate,” I mock outloud while zipping my suitcase shut. My phone dings again."No, I brought it with me to the office. See you soon Len." I set my phone down to throw on a comfy hoodie, then make my way to the living room to shut off the lights.

“By the end of the week…” the astrology report continues, and I pause to hear the conclusion. “You will have the courage to manifest your dreams, to turn them into something practical and tangible. Allow yourself to create the life you've been envisioning. You just need to reach and trust a little further because your entire reality may be shifted to a new timeline!“ I side eye the TV as my finger hesitates over the off button. “It’s best not resist any of these changes! Let go of what was, and bravely step into a better version of you. That wraps up this week’s report. To learn more about the full moon approaching, you can check out my other videos below.” I turn off the TV and grab my suitcase, just as my phone chimes with an alert that my uber driver is here. New reality, huh? I like the sound of that.