His African Queen Again

Beep! Beep! Beep!

That was the annoying sound that kept ringing in my ear. What was that? Can someone turn it off please. I felt too tired to open my eyes, so I did what I do best, went back to sleep.

Sleep has always been my cure for everything. When I am stressed up I take a nap, when I have a huge decision to make and I can't figure out the best option, I sleep on it. When am going through a heartbreak ,I take another nap and add eating in the mix.

A heartbreak. Why did that come to mind? I didn't want to think about it, so I forced my mind to focus on the silence and the darkness. Silence, there was no silence unless that thing making that sound would stop already. Seriously, what the hell was that?

I turned to my side to get into a more comfortable sleeping position. I found it easier to sleep on my side than on my back. Huh! Now that was the trick. I don't know what happened but the beeping sound stopped. Finally some peace and quiet.

Apparently that was all I needed because I woke up 3 hours later, feeling more energetic. I carefully opened my eyes and inspected my surroundings. The room looked very familiar, like the one I was in after the accident. It was possible that it might be the same room.

I saw the machine near the bed that was probably the cause of the beeping sound. Now it stood majestic but silent. That machine only signified one thing, I was in a hospital. Again. Seriously what happened this time round? I moved my right hand to scratch the back of my neck but my wrist felt sore and painful.

Looking at it closely I see an IV cannula which is used to deliver fluids into my body through my wrist. Following the cannula ,it was connected to an extension tubing going all the way to a normal saline bag. If they had to inject fluids things must have been terrible.

I pushed the head up button on the bed, that allowed me to sit up. The most important question was, why was I in a hospital? I remember going to the launch party with Zuri and John. I remember I was upset finding out that the party was being held at Hotel Royale which was Marcus's hotel.

I remember dancing, lots of drinking and going to the bathroom. I remember all the speeches until the very last one. I remember seeing Marcus for the first time in almost three years. I mostly remember how handsome he looked in a suit.

"Shit! Zawadi you need to focus!"

What else happened? I remember him talking , confidently as usual with that deep tone that made me want to jump his bones. I remember him calling a woman on stage. A frown started forming on my face as I remembered more and more details about that night.

I remember wondering where I saw her before, as she looked so familiar. I remembered his announcement. Oh! My God! He said they were having a baby together and to add salt to the wound they were engaged. From there I couldn't recall anything else.

Please don't tell me I blacked out from drinking, I didn't even drink that much. That would be so embarrassing. Perhaps that wasn't that bad, right? What could be worse than blacking out? Fainting. What if I fainted? In front of all those people. I felt a wave of shame stir inside me. Oh my gosh! I fainted, didn't I?

There of all places. I could have fainted anywhere else on this earth but no it had to be there. God! How humiliating. Now what was I going to do? I couldn't possibly face those people again after humiliating myself like that. I wish the earth would open and just swallow me whole because this was too much for me.

It was certainly too much for one person to handle. Why couldn't I catch a break? Just this once. Why couldn't the universe for once let me catch a break. Was I a bad person? Was that it? Was it why I was being punished? It felt like I was being punished.

My ancestors had a quote in our native language that talked of balance. That when you wish bad things onto another person ,the universe would give what you wished for to you twice as bad. Balance between light and dark, good and evil , the living and the dead.

Ancestors did I do something wrong? There must be something wrong if everything I do comes crashing down on me.

I remember his face when he called her to the stage. The love, devotion and admiration on his face was overwhelming. I have never seen his face like that before. The way his face grew brighter when he saw her and his smile grew wider as she approached him.

He was in love with her and he wanted the whole world to see it, including me. My mind could not comprehend what had happened. He has the capability of loving someone deeply, just not me. I on the hand, like the fool I was gave everything to him hoping and praying that one day he would feel the same way about me.

That a small spark of love would ignite in his cold black heart and his heart would burn with desire, devotion and love for me. Apparently the problem was me. I was the problem all along. I didn't deserve his love because in his eyes I was not worthy. I was never worthy. All my efforts were not enough.

And how could I be? I was not from a rich family nor was I a CEO of a big corporation. I don't earn a lot of money. I don't own a house. I don't have a car. Most importantly I was not the most attractive person, so what the hell was I thinking?

That his taste will change? That he will love me for my personality? Bullshit! That was all bullshit. I created all of it in my head. I wanted him to love me so badly that I started processing his actions as love. Now I see them for what they were. Pity. He pitied me.

Every single thing he did was out of pity. He needed someone to warm his bed and unfortunately I was there. Giving him everything I had to offer. At that point if he asked for my soul I would have given it to him willingly.

I remembered Jake's words* " Marcus will treat you right only when it's beneficial to him and as soon as he sees some new shinny toy, he will toss you aside."* I was the used toy that was tossed aside. I certainly felt like it.

I should have listened. Why didn't I listen? Why didn't I put all the clues together? Every clue was right there. People warned me left and right. The guy from Masai Mara tried to warn me but my ears were full of wax. I was not ready to listen.

Now I was ready to listen. What has happened cannot be changed. I needed to move forward with my life and close that chapter fully. I thought I closed it but in real sense I was holding onto hope. Hope that he will realize his mistake and come back to apologize.

I was convinced that he would come running back to me, apologetic and remorseful. That never happened though. In fact the opposite happened. He fell in love, impregnated the love of his life and now they were engaged.

While I had no one. I was all alone again. I was reminded once again why I closed myself from love. It was not worth it. A few days of the happiness followed by heartbreak was not for me.

I vowed from this day ,in this hospital room that I would never let anyone play me like that again. I noticed my phone on the table and I picked it up to check the time. It was 3pm in the evening. I have no idea what time I came in but I can place it to around 12am.

That was the last time I used my phone in the party. So that means I have been here for more than 24 hours. Where was Zuri though? I have been awake for while. Why has no one come to check up on me not even a nurse? Zuri might be at home as she is pregnant with their baby. I was going to be an aunt soon. They came to the event to have some fun and as usual I ruined it for them.

I must have ruined the event for everyone. Who does that though? Maybe I was a little dramatic because my ex was talking and announcing things that I was not ready to hear, but did I have to faint. I wish I could get a do over on the event.

I wish I had a time machine so that I could redo the whole scene and this time walk out gracefully and confidently. However we all know that is not possible. I was stuck with this for the rest of my life .

I pressed on the call button on the side of the bed that would alert the nurse, that I was awake. The nurse came immediately. She was tall, slender, had black braids that were tied in a bun to prevent distraction during work. She wore her uniform, white blouse with navy blue pants and black closed shoes.

" You are finally awake"