Love Me Then Destroy Me

Lana's Point of View

Before I could run away, the night met  me.

As I move quickly and unevenly, cold air cuts my face and my shoes make sharp, wrong sounds that echo too loudly in my ears. The darkness  around me doesn't scare me as much as not knowing why I'm running. I only know that it feels impossible to stop. It feels like stopping would break something inside my chest that is already under too much stress.

It's hard for me to breathe. Every breath  burns as it leaves my mouth, and when it gets cold, it turns white and disappears. My chest doesn't hurt yet, but it feels like invisible hands are pushing in, getting tighter with every step I take. The street smells like rain and wet dust, which is old and sharp. The road under my feet feels slick, like I can't trust it.

A light on the street above me flickers. On. Off. Again on. Its weak yellow light makes my shadow long and thin across the road, and it shakes as if it might break.

"Lana."

The sound comes from behind me, suddenly and close enough to touch.

I slow down without meaning to. My legs are heavy, and the ground feels strange, too soft, like it might give way if I lean on it too hard. My heart beats hard and fast, hitting my ribs. I turn my head a little, not all the way to face the sound, but enough to know it's real.

"Lana."

The voice of a man.

Too close. Too close.

My body reacts before my mind can catch up. My hands started to shake, and my fingers trembled as I lifted one a little and then let it fall again. I can open my mouth, but my tongue feels thick and useless, like it doesn't belong to me anymore. I want to know who he is. I want to tell him to stop. I want to shout.

Nothing comes out.

The sound of the road changed. A low hum gets louder and louder until it fills the night. White headlights bloom in front of me, cutting through the dark like a knife. The light spreads out, covering the street, the rain, and even the air.

The night screams.

I stepped back without even thinking. My heel slides on the wet road. My arms fly out to the sides as I try to find balance and reach for anything. The light comes at me quickly, big and bright, and the sound gets louder and louder until my head is full of noise and I can't think.

Then comes the hit.

Not hurt. Not yet.

It feels like a hard shove, sudden and violent, like the world itself has pushed me away. The ground comes up too quickly. My head jerks to the side, and bright, sharp stars explode behind my eyes. I can't hear my breath leave me in one long sound. My mouth is wide open, as if I'm screaming into silence.

The world falls apart.

Cold presses against my face. My hands get wet. The road is hard and rough on my back. I try to move and sit up, but my body doesn't respond. It feels like my legs are far away from me, like they are no longer part of the same whole. My fingers curled and uncurled on their own, slowly and strangely, like they belong to someone else.

There are a lot of voices around me.

A lot. Too quickly.

"Call..."

"Don't move..."

"Oh God.."

Heavy, hurried footsteps are close by. A shadow blocks the bright light above me, making it less bright and more shadowy. A man drops to his knees next to me so quickly that I barely see him move.

His face comes in and out of focus. Hair that is dark and wet from the rain. Long lashes stuck together. He opens and closes his mouth, as if he is trying to find words but keeps losing them. His hands are close to my face, but he's not sure what to do. They're shaking as if he wants to touch me but is afraid to do the wrong thing.

He says, "Lana."

When he says my name, something sharp hurts deep in my chest. His voice is soft but broken, like glass that has been held too tightly. I looked at him and tried to figure out why hearing my name come out of his mouth makes me feel different.

I look at his face, but my eyes slide over his features without stopping. I try to fit him into my memory and put him somewhere I know, but there isn't any room for him there. My head hurts with a steady, low drumbeat that gets louder every second.

"I..." My voice sounds weak and thin, like it's just air. "Who are…"

The night is moving around me. The sky turns slowly, and I can taste metal in the back of my throat.

"Hey," he says quickly, and his voice drops as he leans in closer. Then he stops short, as if he is afraid of getting too close. "Look at me." Please. "Look at me."

I looked at him.

His eyes are big and bright, and they are full of something heavy and raw. Fear is there, deep and still, and I know without knowing how that is fear for me, not for him. That information makes my heart skip a beat.

Once more, my body does something without asking. When his shadow fell on me, I felt warm. My skin leans towards him, pulled in by something I can't put into words.

My mind is pulling back hard.

"I don't.." I tried again, and my jaw shook. "I don't know you."

The words dropped between us like something heavy.

He jumps back quickly and sharply, as if I had hit him. For a second, something breaks open on his face, and pain flashes there before he hides it.

"That's okay," he says right away, too quickly, as if he is afraid to let the silence grow. His voice gets softer, more careful, and more calm. "It's fine. Just don't move. There is help on the way.

Sirens started off far away, then got closer, then farther away again, their sound bending through the rain-soaked air.

A drop of rain hits my head. Then one more. The sky slowly opens up, and the rain falls harder. The road started to shine, and lights smeared across it. I blinked hard, my eyes hurt, and my chest gets tighter as it gets harder to breathe.

"Please," I said, and the word came out without me thinking about it. I didn't know who I'm asking.

He heard it.

"I'm here," he says in a calm, low voice. "I'm right here."

His hand moves slowly and carefully towards my face. He waits and watches me, giving me time. I nodded but I don't know why. He touches my cheek with his fingers.

They are warm ,not dangerous.

And I had a wrong feeling, all at the same time.

My breath stops and something breaks inside me. Without warning, a picture flashes through my mind: dark stairs, my feet slipping, and my mouth open in a cry that never leaves my throat. The picture goes away as quickly as it came, leaving only the sound of fear behind.

I gasped.

He quickly pulled  his hand back. "I'm sorry," he says in a thick voice. "I'm sorry."

Rain drops on his hair and runs down his pale face. He swallowed  hard, and his throat moved. "Just breathe," he says to me. I am with you

He shows me by breathing slowly. In. Out.

I tried to keep up with him. My breath shakes and stumbles, but I tried again. The world swarms, and as people get closer, the edges of things get blurry. Someone puts a heavy coat on me. The weight is strange and grounding.

"Ma'am," a voice says softly. "Can you hear me?"

I nod, or maybe I think I do.

"What's your name?"

I opened my mouth. Nothing comes out. Panic flared up quickly and sharply. I looked  back at the guy next to me. He looked at me like the answer is the most important thing in the world.

"Lana," I finally said.

The man closes his eyes for a moment, like a prayer that was said too late.

He says, "That's right," in a soft voice. "That's right."

My neck is getting a lot of hands. A board is pushing against my back. They told me not to move, but I can't even if I want to. As they lifted me up, the man stayed close by, walking next to me and keeping his face in my sight as if he was afraid I would disappear if he looked away.

"Stay with me," he says.

Sirens are screaming now, and red and blue lights are flashing through the rain, making the night look like fire. My eyelids are getting heavy, too heavy to keep open for long.

"I don't know you," I whispered again, holding on to the words like a shield.

He nodded, and his mouth shook. "I know."

As they put me in the bright mouth of the ambulance, his hand found mine. He holds on gently and steadily.

I didn't pull away.

Before I could hesitate, darkness rushed in. I couldn't ask him who he was or why I felt I already knew his name.