Tell No One I Like Boys

01

Rowan

Tonight reminded me exactly why I don't drink. I avoided it so strictly because my life depended on that one rule: whenever I drank, the night always became messier and more embarrassing than anything else. Even though the incident occurred exactly two years ago, anytime I entered a club or even passed by one, my mind walked me through that memory lane I wanted to forget. Or maybe I didn't, because it felt like it was happening all over again in the present moment.

I wasn't sure what pounded harder: my heart or the jolting music. My back pressed against the wall as if the man pinning me wanted to merge our bodies into the bricks. The kissing was total bliss. I hadn't taken a man's lips like that before. Or maybe it was just the alcohol in my system. My head was spinning, and I could feel the heat radiating between us. He tried to shove his tongue down my throat, but I halted him, sweeping mine back into his mouth and coating his lips with my saliva. Fuck, what was I doing? Had I forgotten how to kiss? My head throbbed. Even with my eyes shut, the floor rushed up to meet me as if it were about to swallow me whole. Jesus, what is this feeling?

Suddenly, cold air replaced the warmth of the body that had been against mine. The lips were gone. Where did the kiss go? I forced my eyes open, but my vision had dissolved into a blurry mess. I could just make out a man with a muscular physique holding the other guy by his shirt, his feet barely grazing the ground.

“My kiss? Where did my kiss go?”

It happened as fast as a scene in a movie. He punched the guy, hurled him to the ground, and then turned to face me. He was coming for me now. I tried to retract, but I only hit the wall harder.

I managed to glimpse the other guy scrambling to his feet and bolting away. Oh no, I needed help. This man neared me so quickly that I didn't realize I had stopped breathing. I squeezed my eyes shut.

“Does this look like a gay sex club to you, kid?” He was so close that I mistakenly released a breath and inhaled his sharply. That scent. That cologne. His breath smelled oddly familiar.

His voice fanned my ear warmly, nearly lulling me to sleep. “Max?” I swallowed hard.

I tried to open my eyes, attempting to focus, but I could only see blurry shadows. “Max?” I called again. He pulled away from my ear and moved back into my line of sight.

I rubbed between my eyebrows, desperate for my vision to steady. Just a glimpse. I just needed one clear glimpse.

“Is this a gay club to you, Rowan?” I felt a faint graze against my pants, so close it made my slightly hardened crotch flinch. “Rowan,” he whispered.

“Rowan?”

“Rowan?”

“Man?” Someone tapped me amidst the echo of my name, and I jolted out of the reverie.

For two years, I had been left to chew on the memory, wondering if the man that night was really Max, my stepbrother.

“You alright, man?”

The thrum of the club music made me more grounded and aware of my surroundings. “Yeah, yes. What's up?”

“You spaced out. Sure you're good?” Jayden asked tentatively.

From the corner of my eye, against the sweep of the strobe lights, Max took the rim of his solo cup to his lips and pretended to take a gulp.

“I'm fine, J—,”

“Leave the kid alone, man,” Max interrupted.

Kid. The way that word always rolled out of his mouth made me clench my fist whenever I heard it. I was no kid, but I didn't tell him that. There was absolutely no reason to give him the satisfaction of a reaction.

“You were saying, Jayden?” I dragged my eyes purposely from Jayden to Max and pinned them on him.

Max let out a short snort, his gaze averting to the crowd of people dancing and swinging their hips to the music.

My focus was still subtly heavy on him when I heard Jayden say over the music, “You’re so tense, man. One drink isn't going to kill you. Loosen up for once.”

I didn't hesitate as I looked back at Jayden. “I'm fine. I’m just not drinking tonight.”

Truth be told, I was forced to be here. Mom and Dad wanted me to go out more often with Max to see if we could get along, or at least to see if he could learn to tolerate me. They hoped it would repair a bond I didn't even break or care enough to fix. Or maybe I did care, but that was just to say Max was a total pain in the ass. Asshole.

“He can’t,” Max chimed in, finally looking over with a lazy, mocking grin. “He’s on a leash, remember? If he comes home smelling like gin, he’ll have to answer to Mommy and Daddy. Let the kid play it safe. It’s adorable, really, how much he follows the rules.”

The air in my lungs turned sharp. He was poking at the very thing I hated, the idea that I was some fragile puppet for our parents. My throat was suddenly dry, causing my eyes to dart toward the table of empty glasses and the water I had settled for. Max was an ass, and I needed to prove something right away… right now.

I reached for the liquor and tightened my fingers around the bottle so hard that, if I were strong enough, it would have snapped into pieces and shredded the skin of my palm. With stupid bravado, I didn't settle my gaze anywhere else but on Max. He shot a look back at me like he didn't believe I would do it, his expression a mix of a dare and equal parts concern.

I should have stopped then, but hell, I wanted to prove to this prick that I wasn't a kid. I tipped my head back and downed a large amount of liquor, swallowing hard. My face contorted into wrinkles as it burned from the inside of my mouth down to my stomach. Maybe I had drank too much too fast.

Jayden couldn't seem to find the right mindset to shut his mouth; his jaw hung wide open. “What?” I asked him, then looked to Max, glancing between them.

I didn't know what I was expecting, maybe praise or something, but I only got a snort. Before I knew it, Max rose to his feet, wading away toward the dance floor.

Stupid. Stupid. Stupid. I am so stupid.

I gulped at the humiliation as I watched him grab a random blonde by her small waist. I wasn't sure what I was feeling or why I felt such tightness in my chest, but I was suddenly hurt. Sore. Hot. The blonde didn't retract or deny Max access as he whispered into her ear, earning a giggle. With a sick smile on his lips, Max’s eyes swiftly reached our table. I instantly averted mine.

“Let’s get another round, Jayden.” That was when I realized Jayden wasn't there.

Where had he gone and when? I darted my eyes around and saw he’d run off to a random girl and was dancing.

Shit. I indeed looked like an abandoned kid now. Maybe Max had always been right. I wanted my thoughts to consume me and take me away. The last thing I should have done was stare at Max pressing his lips into the blonde, but my eyes had betrayed me already. If not, how would I have known?

I tapped my shoes on the ground, the music now drilling inside my head. I had to do something. Ro isn't a kid; I should act brave. I decided almost immediately, waiting only a split second. Once Max caught a glimpse of me, I bolted toward a couple making out.

Not caring if he was still staring, I tore the couple aside and yanked my lips into… who even was it?

I didn't even get the taste of his lips before a strong grip jerked us apart and sent me tumbling to the floor.

“What the fuck?” I rose instantly and saw Max extending his fist through the air, landing a punch right on the guy's face.

The crowd separated, and the gasps that filled the air were louder than the music. Almost like everything had slowed down, Max walked hastily toward me. I caught a glimpse of the person I thought was a girl, now holding a bleeding nose while a few people surrounded him in concern.

Suddenly, I was jerked by my wrist. “I will not let you embarrass my family’s name,” Max gritted out. He jerked me so hard I forgot how to walk, tripping stupidly behind him as I tried to keep up. He dragged me away like a little kid caught shoplifting.